DD and friend issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
DD and friend issue
3
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:48pm

Hi everyone,

Well, now that DS (18) is on the road to adulthood, problems with the DD13 and her friend.
To condense this, she has been friends with "A" since age 3. "A"s mom actually babysat DD and we became fast friends and still are. DD and "A" were good friends for awhile but are starting to drift apart more and more as they get older which is too bad but not a big surprise.

Anyway, for DD 13 birthday 2 weeks ago, I took DD, "A" and "A"'s mom away for the weekend. I paid for most of everything - ended up costing me about $600 which was fine - it was my treat and I had no problem with it. We had a great time for the most part although I noticed "A" didnt seem to enjoy herself as much as the rest of us. When I asked "A"s mom what was wrong with "A" she said, oh, she's a little bored. Okay, well, thats fine I thought - WHATEVER. Dont know how anyone could be bored in Vancouver, BC, in a five star hotel and shopping and restaurants. So the week following our return home, "A" begged and begged DD to go to a summer camp with her for a week because there were two other girls going and "A" said she'd get ditched by the other two and be on her own. DD has been to that camp before and didnt like it but after much begging from "A" decided to go (keep in mind this camp cost me $175). I was a little reluctant to send her but in a way was happy to have a week to myself so off she went.

I picked them both up a week later and noticed tension right away. I asked DD privately how camp was and she said "A" and the other two girls ditched HER so she was on her own all week. Said she was tempted to call home but thought I'd get mad. I felt so bad for her. So now "A" seems to have gotten most of the other girls in their circle of friends at home turned against DD. DD said she doesnt know what she did wrong. She forwarded me an email from "A" where "A" says DD is an embarrassment to all of them, is annoying and is constantly shaking her butt in front of guys. Even called her a lesbian(??)! DD says she did nothing of the sort and "A" is being mean. I do know that "A" has quite the mean streak in her and gets very embarrassed over the littlest things especially around her mom. Regarding DD, I do know that she can be annoying but I honestly can't see her shaking her butt in front of guys - she's a very modest girl and so far hasnt shown any sign of being boy crazy. She doesnt even like to wear makeup!

So anyway, needless to say I feel so bad for DD and now to be honest I regret taking "A" on that trip. I know "A"s mom appreciated it but now I think "A" really didnt. The fact that she begged DD to go to camp and then ditched her, now pulling all this other crap with DD's other friends, is inexcusable. I dont know if I should just keep my nose out of it all (I know this is part of the age) or if I should say something to "A"'s mom or even to "A" herself. I dont want to hurt the friendship I have with "A"s mom either (teach me to be friends with the mom of DD friend).

Breaks my heart to see this happening to DD as she is such a social butterfly - her friends are her life. I did tell her that the others must not be much of friends if they are siding with "A" and being mean to her. What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:05pm

(((HUGS))) it's hard to see our kids go through hard times with friends. IMHO, it's best to use it as an opportunity to teach your DD about good friends and not so good friends. Maybe she and A are destined to drift apart for good; maybe they'll find a way to come back together. I often talk to my DD about the different kinds of friends she has, and which ones are worth working for, etc. Also, if A is such a "b" as you describe, the other girls will realize it and drift from her eventually.

On another note (and please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to offend), is there any truth to what A says? I don't agree AT ALL with how she said it, or with ganging kids against your DD, but it could be that your DD is doing something that sets her apart or makes her seem weird to the other kids?? The reason I ask is I have a friend whose DD (now 16) is very strong and sometimes overwhelming. I'm sure that both mom and daughter see it as confident, but I know my DD (who is a year younger) sees her as weird. I've never known if there were a way to talk to this mom about her DD, so I never have, but each time she tells a story about her DD being left out, etc, I wonder. If you and A's mom are good friends, maybe there's a way for you to ask her.

Of course, it's likely that A is just being mean and witchy and it's nothing about your DD. In this case, my first thought applies - help your DD learn how to manage the ups and downs of teen friendships.

(((HUGS)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:24pm
Thanks for your response. Yes, I definitely have given some thought to whether the things "A" has said could be true. DD has always had LOTS of friends from early childhood - the phone never stops ringing for her so I just can't see her doing such damage in one week of camp without a little intervention from "A". If she was slowly losing friends over the course of the summer then I'd say maybe its a behavioral change but everything was fine up until then. DD also forwarded me the email "A" sent her with all the nasty things she said. I dont think DD would have done that if there was any truth to it. "A"'s mom, while a good friend to me, does think "A" doesnt do any wrong - ie. "A" would NEVER do that, or "A" would NEVER say that, and so on. Come to think of it, last summer "A" buddied up with a really good friend of DD ("A" and other friend met one night at a sleepover we had at our house) and they left DD out of everything almost the last two weeks of summer. I dont know. I guess better left alone and see what the new school year brings. Maybe next week they'll all be friends again. These girls drive me crazy. DS was never like this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:43pm

"I guess better left alone and see what the new school year brings. Maybe next week they'll all be friends again. These girls drive me crazy. DS was never like this!"


Best for mom to stay out of this one.