DD and her boys

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
DD and her boys
14
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 12:30pm

DD is about to make a very big mistake that could cost her a wonderful friendship and hurt someone she really cares about alot. Even though she has a steady b/f (2 1/2 yrs now), she periodically has to flirt and play around with another guy. I think some of this is just boredom from being with the same guy and the other part is loneliness b/c he's away at college. The "other guys" always know about the b/f but the b/f doesn't know about the other guys. The other guys usually think that she will break up with the b/f for them. She did break up with him once but it only lasted 3 weeks.

Her latest other guy is one of her lifelong best friends - a boy that she has grown up with since she was around 3. We attend church with his family and I really like this boy. I love most of those kids like they were nieces and nephews to me and I really don't want to see her hurt him. Plus she's going to ruin her friendship with him and possibly cause problems within the youth group but main concerns are that for their friendship and her hurting him.

I know there isn't much I can except remind her once again that she has a b/f and she needs to be careful in her behavior with other guys. She needs to be sure that she's not leading them on. She also needs to be honest with everyone involved. Other than that there's not much I can. I would love to sit this boy down and say to him - you of all people know how she is. I want to remind him of the many hours he's sat and listened to her trying to figure out which guy to choose and that he knows she almost always chooses the b/f. I want to beg him to please don't let his guard down and don't let himself be her next victim. I also want to call his mom (one of my closest friends) and tell her to please caution him about her. I won't talk to him or his mom b/c as her mother that's not my place but I really, really want to.

She's also telling the guy next door that she's not happy with b/f. He's made it real clear that he would like to date her. So far she seems to be steering clear of that. She told him that she doesn't want to go away to college b/c she doesn't want to leave home (yeah right) and she doesn't want to be that close to b/f. Since she hasn't directly talked to me about this, I don't know how serious she is about any of that but I would really like to know before I continue to pay all those wonderful non-refundable fees and deposits. Later this week, I'm going to simply remind her that her happiness is more important to us than those deposits and that if she feels the need to change to please let us know and promise that neither her dad nor I will say I told you so.

She's matured so much that sometimes I forget she's still a teen with all those stresses and hormones running around in there. Her maturity in other areas seems to make me that much more frustrated when she does these somewhat normal teen girl type things.

Anyway, thanks for the vent. As always, I truly appreciate your listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 12:49pm

Outside looking in, it sounds like she would like to break it off with BF

Maybe it was cool to have a college BF while in high school and it isnt quite so cool now

Is she graduating this year and planning to attend the same college as him(sorry, I dont always keep track of the girls-seem to read more of the boys stuff, I guess)

I think if she is flirting with other boys, she isnt ready for the commitment going to the same school will bring

Yeah, Id bring something up to start the conversation rolling-not sure what!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 1:08pm

I've pretty much given up trying to figure out why she does this. She did this back in the fall and lead another guy on for several months. Then she actually broke up with the b/f but then didn't want the other guy. After three weeks of flirting and talking to several different guys, she went back to the b/f. She actually expected the b/f to wait around on her while she got this out of her system. When he told her he wasn't going to do that, she went back to him. I think she's lonely w/o him, she wants to date others, and she wants the security of having a b/f. (she wants her cake and eat it too). I hope she figures out that she can't have it all before she gets married! I have to keep reminding myself that she's just a teen and not an adult and they all make their mistakes and eventually most learn from them.

Yes she will be graduating in two weeks and then in the fall she will leave to go to the same school as the b/f. I've often thought that this relationship may very well end when she actually has to be with him on a daily basis. One can hope anyway!

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 1:54pm
I've watched my DD do this too and went back to the BF, but now finally broke up with him. If I remember right, there were some drinking issues with her BF(?) How else is she going to know if there is a better guy out there unless she flirts and checks to see if a better guy is interested? Teens feel insecure, so she may not be confident enough to totally break it off with BF right now, but it sounds like she wants to. She is probably afraid that, as teens think, *no one will love me as well as BF loves me. No one understands me as well as him.* She has invested a lot of time with him and the breaking up part will take time too... because she will be lonesome for the good times. Then she will occasionally remember the bad things too, which is why she is looking around for a different guy. Try to remind her that even though things may not work out with a guy, SHE will still be okay. SHE will do just fine on her own. In other words, if she breaks up with the old BF and goes out with a new guy and that doesn't work... that's okay. We all learn from any relationship. She will learn what she likes and what she does not like. By the way, is there a chance that she suspects the BF is fooling around behind her back and she doesn't want to be left high and dry? Again, she will be FINE on her own if that is what is happening. When some new flame comes along, she'll be available. Best wishes.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 2:01pm

Hi, This is just funny, my 18 year old daughter has somewhat the same problem. She has been dating a great guy for 1 1/2 years. They are great together. But recently she has been talking to a guy because she said he has problems in his life too and her b/f thinks life is all roses because his family never really had any kind of problems or crises to go through. We do, my husband was ill and things got kinda stretched around the house and it was hard for her to understand and to deal with.

I know she has a crush on this new friend, but she hasn't attempted yet to break up with her b/f. Not sure if it because the new friend is going to New York for college and we are in Pennsylvania where my daughter will be going to nursing school only 25 minutes from our home. The b/f is still here.

I am rambling, sorry. I did tell her though, be honest. The worse thing to do is to lie to someone or string them along. Her b/f thinks the world of her, he says the best thing that ever happened to him. He would be devestated if she broke up with him. They are still together and by all accounts, very happy. They are going to each other's proms, they go to different high schools. I think sometimes to it is just the excitement of talking to someone new.

Again I would just stress, and I do, that it is not fair to string someone along. But if we think back, a little outside excitement never really hurt anyone. I think all teens do that. Part of the sowing the wild oats!!!! We all did it, right!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 2:12pm

Someone suggest maybe she suspects b/f of cheating. I dislike alot of things about her b/f but I really don't think he would do this. He is honest to a fault and he would view cheating as lying and I don't think he would do that.

I honestly think she just gets bored with one guy but wants the security of having a b/f and can't stand to hurt his feelings. We've tried to stress that she needs to be honest with him but she just doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

GRRRRR!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 2:29pm

It will most likely come to a head with them together all the time

I changed colleges my sophomore year to be with the then currect BF and we broke up shortly thereafter(his decision, not mine, but I lived) When I tell that story, I find many, many other women with the same experience

If I had to choose between a DD stringing along a few guys and a DD getting married at 16, I'd choose the former, KWIM?

The immortal words of dealing with teens "could be worse" ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 2:44pm

I gotta agree with the last post, if they are good kids, no major problems, it could be worse.

Aren't these teenage years maddening, but I am sure we will look back and say do you remember when and then laugh, (we hope hhaha).

We can do our best, try to guide them and hope things will work out. And then, be there for them and let them know we love them even if they don't work out.

Let us know how things turn out.

Andie

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 3:11pm
I did that too! My sophomore year in college, I transferred to my BF's college. We were fine for awhile but then broke up. There were just too many other interesting guys for me to look at and girls for him to look at!
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: tobylady
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 7:00pm

It sounds like she doesn't want to be with her BF anymore but she also doesn't want to be alone. Sound accurate? I know that alot of people take these sorts of teen relationships lightly but has she considered her BF's feelings at all? How does he feel about her "testing the waters" with other guys? She might not consider it cheating but it is...

I don't know how old she is but is it time to talk to her about the importance of commitment and faithfulness? And that if she isn't planning on doing either one, she should do the right thing and break off the relationship? It isn't a game to play with other people's feelings. Sorry if I sound harsh but I've been on the other side of this sort of thing and it is very hurtful and painful to find that someone you love and care about and trust is taking your relationship far less seriously than you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 9:10am
No you are not being harsh. We've had that talk several times before and plan to have it again. I'm thinking tonight will probably be the best time for it. Last night was the no alcohol after prom talk between DD and her dad. Tonight I get to do the respect, faithfulness, trust, etc talk. I hope my talk goes better than DH's. DD and DH just clash and she got an attitude with him but then in all fairness to her, I had already given her that same talk and she was attempting to do her Trigonometry homework plus she's sick so it wasn't an ideal time for such a conversation. I hope tonight's a little better.

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