DD and her boys
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| Wed, 04-26-2006 - 12:30pm |
DD is about to make a very big mistake that could cost her a wonderful friendship and hurt someone she really cares about alot. Even though she has a steady b/f (2 1/2 yrs now), she periodically has to flirt and play around with another guy. I think some of this is just boredom from being with the same guy and the other part is loneliness b/c he's away at college. The "other guys" always know about the b/f but the b/f doesn't know about the other guys. The other guys usually think that she will break up with the b/f for them. She did break up with him once but it only lasted 3 weeks.
Her latest other guy is one of her lifelong best friends - a boy that she has grown up with since she was around 3. We attend church with his family and I really like this boy. I love most of those kids like they were nieces and nephews to me and I really don't want to see her hurt him. Plus she's going to ruin her friendship with him and possibly cause problems within the youth group but main concerns are that for their friendship and her hurting him.
I know there isn't much I can except remind her once again that she has a b/f and she needs to be careful in her behavior with other guys. She needs to be sure that she's not leading them on. She also needs to be honest with everyone involved. Other than that there's not much I can. I would love to sit this boy down and say to him - you of all people know how she is. I want to remind him of the many hours he's sat and listened to her trying to figure out which guy to choose and that he knows she almost always chooses the b/f. I want to beg him to please don't let his guard down and don't let himself be her next victim. I also want to call his mom (one of my closest friends) and tell her to please caution him about her. I won't talk to him or his mom b/c as her mother that's not my place but I really, really want to.
She's also telling the guy next door that she's not happy with b/f. He's made it real clear that he would like to date her. So far she seems to be steering clear of that. She told him that she doesn't want to go away to college b/c she doesn't want to leave home (yeah right) and she doesn't want to be that close to b/f. Since she hasn't directly talked to me about this, I don't know how serious she is about any of that but I would really like to know before I continue to pay all those wonderful non-refundable fees and deposits. Later this week, I'm going to simply remind her that her happiness is more important to us than those deposits and that if she feels the need to change to please let us know and promise that neither her dad nor I will say I told you so.
She's matured so much that sometimes I forget she's still a teen with all those stresses and hormones running around in there. Her maturity in other areas seems to make me that much more frustrated when she does these somewhat normal teen girl type things.
Anyway, thanks for the vent. As always, I truly appreciate your listening.

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I am honestly at a loss as to what you could say to your daughter. Although I have a daughter the same age as yours, the two girls are very different. My daughter is not "boy crazy". She is perfectly happy not having a b/f nor does she feel she needs one to feel "complete" and "accepted". She is too busy "doing",planning for her future, playing her sports and music. hanging out with her close friends. She comes home and recounts the lastest "going ons" at school and shakes her head.
I would sit down with your daughter and try to understand why does she feel she NEEDS a boyfriend? Is it the social norm in your area? Peer Pressure? It is normal to want to have that special someone but it is also important that young women learn what "special someone" means. What is missing in her sense of herself? Explore with her the differnce between a "boyfriend" and "true friendship". Discuss with her what it means to be a "true friend", to put the needs of your friend before your own. I would also encourage her to be "single" for awhile, to learn to gather strength from herself before she jumps into another relationship. Try to learn to not act on impulse or just physical attraction.
Tell her, if one is to learn anything about oneself from one's relationships, you should give yourself time to decompress, to think about one's actions and behaviours so that "negative patterns" are broken.
Well apparently she figured this out all on her own!! I've noticed the past two nights that she hasn't been on the phone with the friend. She did not go to his soccer game or out to eat with him as planned. I can pretty much tell by the way she's acting that she's trying to discourage him which is good.
I'm still hoping that she wants to split with the b/f and then she could pursue her friend. I think they would be very good together - they already know so much about each other, they definitely trust one another, they share the same faith, they both love their sports and don't like clingy b/f's/g/f's. One can always hope.
Anyway, thanks for all your support and for letting me vent. I hope she continues to stick with this.
Good for her.
She is growing up. With time, she will hopefully come to realize that her current b/f is not a good choice for her and see the very positive qualities of her friend.
jt
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