DD betrayed by bestfriend..need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
DD betrayed by bestfriend..need advice
5
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 9:00pm
My DD (15) has liked "N" since the summer. They were a "couple" for a month or so over the summer... then school started and they both moved on. N goes to a different school. They have remained in touch via IM and the phone and are very close friends. N seemed to be a positive influence for DD and a nice, clean-cut sensible kid. Recently DD broke up with her boyfriend and N broke up with his girlfriend. For the last week DD and N have chatted daily for hours... lots of flirting... I was sure that DD and N would soon again be a couple.
Today when DD went to school, her best friend informed her that she is going to ask N to the school's valentine day dance. Apparently, best-friend and N also chat regularly and last night N told best friend that he likes her.
DD is blown away. She feels betrayed by Bestfriend because she has confided in her how much she likes N and can't believe she would date him. She feels betrayed by N for liking her bestfriend.
Today after school, N was online asking with DD chatting as if all were normal.
I KNOW they are kids.... but DD is heartbroken! What advice would you give her?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 10:36pm

Umm...welcome to the wonderful world of romance??? Seriously though, they may still be kids but this kind of stuff happens to adults too. How many spouses were unfaithful with a best friend or neighbour also known to the other spouse? People just are this way sometimes and the only hope is that, as kids, they won't take this behaviour into their adult relationships.

N has proven through his behaviour that he only wants to be friends. So your dd should move on and forget about him. Who wants someone who can be so deceitful and insincere anyway?

As for the friend, well, she's not so much of a good friend if she totally ignored her best friends feelings and gave into this casanova.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 7:10am

It's hard to see our kids struggle, but I think the best thing we can do in these circumstances is ..... nothing. The "loves" of 15 year olds mostly do not last, and in 10 years your DD won't even remember who she had a crush on in 10th grade. It feels intense to them now, and we can provide tons of loving support. But I think we can also provide some context. I wouldn't ever say to my DD "come on, teen love doesn't matter" (LOL that would be a conversation killer!), but I do try in calmer moments to remind her that there are YEARS of crushes and boy friends ahead of her.

We can also give our kids some guidance and framework for working these things out themselves. Coach your DD in how to talk to her BF, help her work it out so they can move forward.

FWIW, I'd bet the boy in this situation has no idea what's going on. From what I remember (in the dark ages, lolol), boys are just not as tuned into the drama as girls are. Sometimes I remind my DD15 of that as well - just because you crush K doesn't mean he knows that - he's just flirting because it's fun.....

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:44am
It's tough to see our children hurt but as another poster said - she probably won't even remember N's name in 10 years.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:11pm
If DD came to me to talk about it, I would ask her if she thought her bestfriend did this with the intention of hurting her or if she did it b/c she really likes this guy. If DD thinks the friend did this just to hurt her, then DD needs to reconsider this friendship. If DD thinks the girl did this b/c she really likes this guy, then DD needs to accept that sometimes relationships just don't work out and try to move on and support her friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:08pm

Great advice, Tobylady!

I'm thinking that the OP's dd broke up with this guy last summer which makes him fair game for the friend or anyone else in my mind, so there really is no logical reason to be upset(I know feelings arent always logical)but yes, if the girl did this to hurt the dd it IS different than if she just went after an attractive and available guy