dd, bf & sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
dd, bf & sex
15
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 8:32pm

I've got a 15yr old dd & she is dating a 16 yr old. He's a senior--a very bright boy with his eye on Stanford, Dartmouth etc. Both of them seem very mature, well grounded, etc. He even gets out of the car & comes in to ask me when he should have her home (seems like that's pretty unusual these days!) Anyway, when she came home a few nights ago & checked in with me I said- much to my discomfort & nervousness- that if she needed me to take her to a dr. (birth control) I would. That I wouldn;t be happy or comfortable with her dicision but that I would prefer her to be safe etc. For quite a few years now I've been stressing the physical dangers- std- of sex along with pregnancy & I do think both of these kids are pretty mature, but am I condoning this, encouraging it or not...I just don't know what to do. I certainly don't think they're ready yet (I mean she's only 15, still new to all this etc...) but I am doing this right? I sure don't feel comfortable about saying anything since I don't want her to think I'm sanctioning it. I know I'm wandering but sure could use some advice.

Thanks, Carol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
In reply to: cdcgrow
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 9:43pm

Hi Carol!

I think you handled it just right! Of course, that may be because I have said almost the exact same thing to my dd, who is 14, LOL! I certainly think that you can stress the reasons why you think it's important to wait before having sex, but at the same time, I think it's important that a young adult (aka "teen") take precautions to protect against pregnancy and STDS. And boy, do I envy you - a daughter who is mature, with a boyfriend who is not only polite, but has some ambition for the future! My advice? Relax! You're doing fine!

Amelia

Avatar for ivillage_sista
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cdcgrow
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 9:55pm

I agree. I think you did a great job!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: cdcgrow
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 10:09pm
So how did your daughter respond when you asked her if she needed to go to a doctor for birth control?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
In reply to: cdcgrow
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 10:51pm

She said, "Mom I'm not going to do something stupid like that!" & then listed a few of her friends who did need some BC. I don't know if she was telling the truth about herself- I hope so of course- or just too embarrassed to admit it. I figure I'll try to bring this up again at some point.

Real,
When you put your dd on BC did it change the relationship with bf? Do you think they experimented when they might not have otherwise? I really have no idea what mine would do but of course worry.
Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: cdcgrow
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 11:28am

I think you handled it perfectly, too! I don't think it's a conversation any mother is prepared or ready to have with their DD's -- until maybe age 30 or so, lol -- but have it we must and you did great!

Hang in there~

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: cdcgrow
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 11:47am

Hugs to you! I've been there and done that and it is a very, very hard thing to do. I have one question for you that you didn't address - why did you choose that particular night to have this discussion? Was it mother instinct or did your DD give you some specific reason that you felt birth control would soon be an issue? I personally just had that mother instinct that told me when it was time to make that statement to her. During our conversation, she told me that she couldn't just out and out ask something like that so I told her write me a note, send me an e-mail, whatever but I want you to have birth control if its needed. We had had enough conversations about the physical AND emotional consequences of pre-marital sex that she knew my stance on this. I got an e-mail two days later requesting a doctor's appt. It was one of the hardest mommy things I've ever done but I don't regret doing it. There is a difference between protecting your DD and condoning her activity. I made sure that DD still got my quarterly talks on pre-marital sex just as she had before. I'm sure she thought I was nuts but I felt that that too was part of my responsibility.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
In reply to: cdcgrow
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 12:26pm

I think that was a perfect way to approach the subject.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cdcgrow
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:39pm

I'm sure my response is a repeat, but figured I'd post anyway.

No, by wanting your dd to be safe from STD's, pregnancy and possible *death* from sexually transmitted disease, you are NOT condoning her choice to be sexually active. In fact, I commend your choice to be there, to listen to her, to go against your own personal beliefs in order that she be safe and well informed about her body. You are teaching her to be responsible for her choices in regards to how she share and treat her body; you are taking the lessons already taught about personal hygiene to the next level; and finally, you are creating another dimension to your already close relationship with your dd - she will now know that she can come to you if she is in a bind, if she needs to talk, if she has any questions of a personal nature - that you will not judge or condemn her for her choices.

There are so many parents out there who hold hard and fast to thier own personal beliefs about teen sex that they refuse to open the door to better communication and all thier teen to process the information and knowledge given to them in order to make thier own choices. I think it's pretty much agreed that none of us want our 15 and 16 year old teens having sex - the risks are wild now and they have many more years ahead of them in which to explore those activities, right now thier focus should be school and friends. However, there are more and more parents who also realize that the reality is their teens may not wait to the point at which the parents feel sex is okay, i.e., marriage, and they level with thier teens, discuss the options, the warnings, and create an open communication about sex - that's healthier than sticking your head in the sand, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: cdcgrow
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 3:32pm

I wholeheartedly agree with communication. I believe it is the key to healthy relationships between parents and teens no matter what the subject. If you can talk to your daughter I believe that is half the battle.

I have been through this and my daugther and I talk all the time about these issues and others and she is now a fresman in college and doing very well. She is in a relationship that we know is intimate and handling it great. The boys mother said it very well when she talked to him about it after they had been dating about a year. She said she would not tell him not to, but she won't leave them alone places or set things up for them. She said she would be a hypocrit if she said not to, as would most of us.

Hope all goes with you and your daughter!!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cdcgrow
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 5:13pm

This is for all the moms who posted in this thread

do your dds know how to obtain BC without involving you?

I think its great that you are encouraging that open "you can come to me about anything' relationship with your dds, but I would wonder if they ALL feel as comfortable as you would like them to?

I didnt have sex until college but I visited Planned Parenthood and the college health center to deal with my needs when I did; it didnt occur to me to ask my mom to set up an appointment with my family dr. I would have preferred she NOT know and wonder if some girls, even today, are more shy about that

Not saying you shouldnt do exactly what you did but I personally would ALSO throw in something about "if you're not comfortable telling me, here is the number for planned parenthood" or some such thing

Planned Parenthood has a bus they park outside the high school here-hands out condoms, etc.

Every kid is going to be different-some would prefer mom helped them along and others are IMO less likely to use BC if it necessitates involving a parent to obtain it

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