dd, bf & sex
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| Wed, 08-30-2006 - 8:32pm |
I've got a 15yr old dd & she is dating a 16 yr old. He's a senior--a very bright boy with his eye on Stanford, Dartmouth etc. Both of them seem very mature, well grounded, etc. He even gets out of the car & comes in to ask me when he should have her home (seems like that's pretty unusual these days!) Anyway, when she came home a few nights ago & checked in with me I said- much to my discomfort & nervousness- that if she needed me to take her to a dr. (birth control) I would. That I wouldn;t be happy or comfortable with her dicision but that I would prefer her to be safe etc. For quite a few years now I've been stressing the physical dangers- std- of sex along with pregnancy & I do think both of these kids are pretty mature, but am I condoning this, encouraging it or not...I just don't know what to do. I certainly don't think they're ready yet (I mean she's only 15, still new to all this etc...) but I am doing this right? I sure don't feel comfortable about saying anything since I don't want her to think I'm sanctioning it. I know I'm wandering but sure could use some advice.
Thanks, Carol

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Excellent point. I had sex in high school and b/c my dad knew every single doc in town I didn't feel I could go to them and we didn't have planned parenthood. B/f had to take me to another town to some shady-looking clinic. I truly think it was primarily an abortion clinic. It was awful but I made my annual trek down there every year for three years. I would have never dreamed of asking my mom. She basically had an attitude of "If I don't mention sex, she won't have it so we can just ignore that completely."
My situation was exactly the same- even down to the dr.!! What wasn't much of a factor in my teen years was the prevalent STD s & I know they learn it in school but still I need my dd to know that not getting pregnant is only 1 of the reasons for bc. The problem with having the girl, though, is making sure that HE has a condom. I mean, even with the pill they can get aids.
I will continue to talk to her & have always emphasized the STD but how can I help her to step up to the plate with him & make him take care of that part of it?? Even if I gave her some, anybody have any ideas on how I could get her to make him use them??
And I don't think I've discussed the emotional part enough so thanks for reminding me...next time I have the "talk" with her I'll put that in as well.
I know we're all in the same boat & even though his parents or those of other boys say they'll carry their end of it, who's to make sure they do?? I know parents of boys have plenty of different challenges, but how do they address this one- just like to know so I can see both sides. I guess as the mother of the girl I'm worried he'll jump ship!
Long before my dd's came to me for specific information about thier own sex lives, I made it clear and known that I was a card carrying member of Planned Parenthood and the National Organization of Women. I had plenty of women's reference books in our home and my girls knew that I believed in healthy lifestyles, caring for thier bodies and making sure they are aware and protected in every aspect of life. It is a lifestyle...something they were raised with.
I really think it's sad when parents don't share any information in regards to relationships, drugs, sex, etc., until they kids are on the doorstep of indulging in same. There are no guarantees of course, but I believe that if communication and honesty begins from day one, there is more of a chance that it will continue, especially during the years when its most important. I had a SIL who used to yell at me and make fun of me for referring to my dds' body parts by thier natural biologically correct names. She wanted me, pleaded with me, to use words like "pee-pee" in reference to thier vagina. It was laughable - she really became unhinged that I used the words vagina and breast instead of made up names. When her dd got her first period, she was horrified. When mine got theirs, we went out for chocolate and celebrated!
Sadly, my mom was rather crude when she addressed the whole subject of sex when I was a teen - she tried to scare me out of it. It didn't work. I found out from friends how to get BCP's through the local clinic.
As the mom of two girls, I understand this issue as well. At some point, we have to rely on the fact that we've taught our kids well and it is their responsibility to live by that teaching. The only way to be 100% positive of condom usage would be to be present at the time (LOL). Since that's not possible, we have to trust those present. Only you know how strong your trust in DD is. Being upfront and honest with you about b/c is an indication of the amount of trust she has in you and should help to reinforce the amount of trust you have in her.
Good Luck!
I suspect it is a typical mom thing to mistrust the other party
Having boys, I fear skipped pills on the girls part! Everytime I read a post about some mom counting the pills and finding how many were forgotten, I freak.
But, yeah, as someone has said, the only way to be sure is to be there- and that aint gonna happen
My boys have always been told to wear condoms but I have to say I dont think we had teh talks as often as I get the impression the moms of girls in this thread have
We used the correct terminology from birth and were always open-well, I should say 'I' instead of 'we'-DH never said squat. I was horrified at the thought they might wake up after a wet dream and not know what happened so made sure they knew before it was a physical possibility
Still, its difficult because there was no BTDT experience on my part. All I could do was read off the net and leave them a copy of an appropriate book on the bed should they prefer to research on their own
I think boys are less likely to use condoms if the girl is on BC-not 100%, mind you, but pregnancy still seems to be the biggest fear, not STDs. I know this is how my oldest thinks and, when I learned that, I surfed the net and found out he wasnt unusual(doesnt make him right, I know, but I got that this was somewhat 'common' thinking)
DS2 at 18 insists he would never go without a condom but....Im not there-I dont know. Hes far more impulsive than the oldest. He insists he doesnt want 'some kid' so, again, no fear of STDs.
It is very frightening. I have definitely changed my way of thinking now that my kids are older. When they're young you are so sure yours will never end up there because you are going to do such a good job of preparing them
But...once they are out from under our nose, all we can do is hope something sunk in and cross our fingers!
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