DD didn't come home after Homecoming :-(

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
DD didn't come home after Homecoming :-(
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Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:20pm
I just don't even know what to do anymore. Saturday night was the Homecoming dance. DS (16) and his girlfriend went, DD (17) decided to go with two guy friends... just good friends of both my DS and DD. They got all dressed and everyone was happy... having a good time... proceeded to the dance. They had told me they were going to an after-party, which was fine with me. Some time during the night, DD called a guy that is her so-called BF who is really bad news. He has been in trouble with the law for years, including drug charges. Yes, we've been warning her about him and saying she should stay away from him because he will bring her down. Well, if any of you remember things about my DD, she doesn't like to be told what to do. And she has poor judgement when it comes to choosing BF's. The BF came to the party. DS came home the next morning and said DS left the party with BF around 5 a.m. She never showed up at our house. Around 2:00 we (DS, DH and I) went over to the kid's dad's house and talked to a friend outside the house. He said they weren't in there (we had an feeling he was lying). We went back home, DD didn't show up for work at 2 p.m. We went back to that house and a new friend was there and also said DD wasn't in there. Meanwhile, I had called some of her friends to find her whereabouts and one said she and BF were in the house. We hung around outside to see if DD might just come out. She didn't. Finally, DH called a police officer friend of ours who came along with two other police officers. They talked the friend into letting them in the house to see if our DD was there. She was hiding in a closet. They searched her purse and found a pot pipe and cigarettes. She was charged for drug paraphenalia (wouldn't you think she would have ditched it when she heard the police??)and juvenile runaway. By this time it was about 4 p.m. We all went down to the police station and the officer friend had a serious talk about who she is hanging around with and turning her life around. DD is the star swimmer on the HS swim team and holds school records. She has applied to college and has career goals. So we all say... what the heck???? Why would she be hanging out with these losers?! Why? She is ordered to mandatory counseling... thank goodness... because I have been trying to get her to counseling for a year and she has refused. Now she has to go. I asked her why she was making these bad decisions and she replied, "well you and dad are always getting too involved in things and that makes me want to do the things you're telling me not to." I said, "let me get this straight... we try to stop you from doing things that may be dangerous or harmful and because of that you decide to do those things that cause pain and suffering for YOU and others?" She said "yeah, sometimes." Mind you... we didn't make a big deal about her seeing this guy at first because we thought things would blow over rather quickly. He is a kid who changes direction all the time and really has no plans. SHE keeps hanging onto him. When things were fizzling out, she got them going again. Finally, after this happened this weekend, we said "ENOUGH" you can't see him anymore. We took her car away (for good), it will now go to her brother. She no longer has a cell phone and her tv is taken away. Can anyone offer advice as to how to pick up the pieces from here? I'm starting to think she must just think of herself being as low as these other deadbeats. I'm hoping some good happens in counseling. AS for the swimming... she was on-track for making it to state. She is ranked in the top 10 of her conference. I know she likes the recognition, but I think that is all gone now. She has to meet with the athletic director tomorrow. I'm sad, distraught, exhausted. I feel like I've wasted years of a career to be a mostly stay-at-home mom and it didn't really help. I am feeling like I've tried so many approaches and nothing worked with this DD. Not only that, but I am beginning to feel hopeless. What if she does just want to hang out with druggies and end up in jail? Thanks for any advice someone might have.
Deb
Debbie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:08am

I don't really have any advice, but I do send my condolences.

Here in Texas the police won't even look for a 17 y.o. runaway, so that's something on your side. They'll halfway look for a missing person, but not if there's a history of running away or simply not coming home.

Do you really believe the father was lying? Wonder why he wasn't charged with harboring a runaway. I'd be so mad I'd be blue!

And yes, there's a good chance she won't be a swimmer for much longer... so sorry. My son was only allowed to stay in school because the law neglected to call the school and tell of his charges. (the principal said he'd be out of school so fast if the law had called him... my telling him and asking about the consequences of DS missing 2 days of school, due to being in jail, was not enough to throw him out. heck, I wouldn't have even told him if I'd known all that) Otherwise, he was to be sent to an alternative school, and not the good kind. The kind that has a 13 y.o. charged with murdering an elderly church organist that was tied up with a concrete block and thrown off a bridge into the river... alive. Drug dealers and car thieves, etc. And definitely no extra curricular activities.

I'm sure your DD will get probation.. and that's hard in itself. I was absolutely floored when my DS (then 16) was arrested and then failed a drug test at the jail upon arrival. I had no clue he was smoking pot on a regular basis cause it seemed like I always knew where he was and with whom. Makes no difference, as far as I can tell.

<<>>

I wish I had some answers. It appears that that is the clique my DS-17 wants to hang out with. (ok, I don't know for sure that they're druggies, but I have my suspicions) If it were only pot, I wouldn't get as upset as if it were meth, which I truly believe to be the downfall of civilization in the south and west. No kidding.

Anyway, sorry I couldn't be of more help... but just know that *I* know where you're coming from... and you have my utmost sympathy.

And I'm always free to talk either here or through e-mail.

zz

Avatar for momtb4
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:56am

"I feel like I've wasted years of a career to be a mostly stay-at-home mom and it didn't really help"

This really jumped out at me. In no way have you WASTED years to be with your children as a MOM. Step back a little and put it in a little perspective. Try to imagine if you were the parent that worked all the time, never had 2 seconds for your kids? How would she be then? What if you just didn't give a crap what happened to her? How would she be then? She'd be a big, huge mess.

As it is, it sure doesn't look like peaches and cream. She's probably screwed her self with the swimming thing. However, that is the consequences of her actions. Harsh. But, it is just the swim team. Things could be so much, very much worse than they are. Just maybe, she's about to find out that she's gonna lose things that are important to her because of her own choices. Swimming isn't a life or death thing. Going to state is a big deal, but it's not life or death. Maybe this will teach her that what she does matters!

But OMG, my stomache was in knots reading your story. I'm sitting here icy cold thinking about how much you must have been worrying about her. You must have been emotionally a wreck.

She must have wanted to get caught, or she would have flushed her stash and she would have fled the scene. She's a smart girl, she knew you'd find not only her purse and contents but her as well. She wanted to get caught.

I hope the counseling trips something in her brain, and I hope they bring you in from time to time to work out issues. I don't understand why kids do this. They are on track to do/be great things and they throw it out for nothing. She's doing only what you tell her not to?? Silly girl. Does she need you to tell her to drink and smoke and have sex with strangers and stay out for days on end? Does she need THAT to know she needs to come home when she is supposed to, and not drink, smoke or have sex?

I wish I had great advice for you. I don't understand it either. But I do know that your time as a SAHM wasn't a waste!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 5:17am
When my daughter was heading down the wrong path a few years ago I had a frank discussion with her. I told her she needed to step outside herself for a minute every day and see things for what they were. I asked her to notice who she was with, the way they looked, talked, the way they chose to live, how the boys treated the girls, etc. Then I asked her to take a look at herself, and be very honest. Is this the person you really want to be? Do you belong here? I told her that it isn't considered kind to think yourself better than others but often it is true. If you want to save your daughter who is obviously better equipped than her so-called friends to be sucessful in life than you really need to get her away from them. Taking her car, good. No cell phone, also good. It's fortunate that you stay home so that you can keep a close eye on her. As I told my daughter. "I trust you completely until you give me reason not to." Then I became nazi mom. I was her only transportation, so no out all nights. I checked her school attendance, daily work, talked to teachers. I knew she could totally blow it and I was not going to let that happen. After a time she did begin to see the total picture. She aquired a new group of friends. A bit artsy and boho this time but good kids. She is out of school and studying nursing now. The old group of friends? They are still stuck where they were. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 9:32am

I made the decision to put family and marriage first. There were 7 years as a SAHM and many years of part time or even full time-going nowhere jobs

I do have a degree but missed at least three opportunities to move ahead I can think of by putting family first

Yes, when DS2 was smoking pot and his stellar grades went south, I said those exact words you said; I screamed those words at him, in fact! This was his junior year of high school

I know what you are going through; I felt so betrayed, hurt, angry, stupid-life seemed so horribly unfair and unjust

I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I never found a solution for DS

He is a college freshman-apparently pulling As and Bs-looking for a part time job-dating a steady GF who most parents would think of as a perfect mate(I am hoping to get to know her better before I decide what I think)He is thinking of double majoring and has obviously investigated some careers down to the nuts and bolts(something he didnt do in HS-hes undeclared)

I have no doubt he still smokes pot. His dorm vent has dryer sheets as streamers and there is a stash of solid air fresheners not warranted by dirty laundry alone.

But..he seems to handle it. Ive said before I partied every weeekend in college but never during the week and, when it was time to move forward from all that, I did-quite easily. I now drink far less than my neighbors and dont smoke pot.

I guess I have come to a level of acceptance fueled with hope that he will handle this in the same way I did and NOT move on to harder drugs like catmomma spoke of

Im not suggesting you give up. I tried many things because I knew I couldnt live with myself if I didnt.

But do realize it does get less painful-Im not sure why-I still care. But I'm not in that dark place I was a year and a half ago. Time heals, I suppose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 10:09am
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, Deb.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 10:45am

<<<"I feel like I've wasted years of a career to be a mostly stay-at-home mom and it didn't really help"

This really jumped out at me. In no way have you WASTED years to be with your children as a MOM. Step back a little and put it in a little perspective. >>

Thank you for that statement. Just yesterday, my own mother told me that I was too smart, too talented, too creative to be a SAHM. Said I have been wasting my life and I could be doing so much more than taking care of house, home, hubby and offspring. I guess I see now where parentng falls on her list of important things in life.

Partly my fault, I guess. I was telling her I was feeling a little bored, a little restless, etc.

Anyway, thank you for that!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 11:10am

<<>>

My mother tells me this on a regular basis. And nope, DS-17 isn't one of those "good" kids that stay out of trouble, but I certainly don't feel my years staying at home with him was a waste. And I hope that the OP realizes that she hasn't either.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 8:52pm
The frustrating part is that DD doesn't see what the big deal is at all... her friends can be wherever they want and not report in for days if they don't want to. That's the problem... the friends aren't the right kind of friends. She does have some nice friends from the swim team, soccer, and other places. But she doesn't call these people to go do things. And one of her responses to what happened over the weekend was,"Well what are you going to do when I'm 18? Then I can hang out with whoever I want to anyway." I have a feeling that in 9 months she will go running back to these lowlifes just to get back at us. We HAVE let her make alot of decisions on her own. Regarding her boyfriends, she said kids should be allowed to figure things out for themselves, good or bad. I told her that MOST girls would date a guy like the current BF for maybe a month or two and figure out that he's really mean and into drugs and move on. Now, after about 5 months she's still trying to hang onto him... that's not healthy. It was the same with the last BF... he was verbally and emotionally abusive and she hung onto him for 8-9 months. We finally got so fed up we totally lost it; I mean we are talking about abuse. Has she no self-respect? Anyway... here we are. She has been quite nice around the house and cooperative so far but it's only 2 days. The athletic director really had a long and DIRECT talk with her today about the dirtballs she has chosen to hang out with and how it is dragging her down. Maybe that had some impact. I don't know.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 9:05am

Have you addressed the pot?

If this guy is her source, letting go of him takes on a whole new meaning.I know you dont want to think that but she might need to lose the pot to lose this group-NOT the other way around

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 5:14pm

Well, I do know exactly how you feel. And it's interesting that even after working part time on and off for four years I still think of myself as a SAHM. LOL. It's because I am always home in the afternoons to supervise and also two full days during the week. I won't go full time if I can help it until my ds10 is in high school, or done with high school! My boss' wife was telling me she's not sure why she stayed at home for the sake of the kids anymore - this provoked my own feelings of wondering if it was worth it or not. My mom and I talked and we determined in large part, the reason you are a SAHM is for yourself, not so much for the kids! At least while they are young, those special moments are gone and never to be had again. Now I'm grateful I had those early tentative years with my little ones and that I can't blame any of their bad behaviour on whatever may have happened with a sitter of which I'd never know anyway! However, as the pp said, you never know what she may have turned out like if you had NOT stayed at home. Yes, things could be worse.

I was also shaking when I read your post. Is this a parent's worst nightmare or what? How on earth did you keep from killing her when they found her hiding in the closet? I guess the police presence helped - her! I would be so angry with all who told me that she wasn't there, that I think I'd personally call them up and chew them out.

I am curious about one thing - did she or ds have a curfew? You mention that ds came home in the morning - was that 2 a.m., the curfew? How did ds know she left at 5 a.m.? I think you've done right by taking away the car, cellphone and the t.v. - also I would not allow her to have any more overnights for an indefinite period of time. Perhaps she can earn back the t.v. after a period of time. I say that because I don't think it's productive to take everything away - but certainly the car and any overnights, or parties in the near future. As I've said, I think the counseling is going to help...

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