DD didn't come home after Homecoming :-(

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
DD didn't come home after Homecoming :-(
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Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:20pm
I just don't even know what to do anymore. Saturday night was the Homecoming dance. DS (16) and his girlfriend went, DD (17) decided to go with two guy friends... just good friends of both my DS and DD. They got all dressed and everyone was happy... having a good time... proceeded to the dance. They had told me they were going to an after-party, which was fine with me. Some time during the night, DD called a guy that is her so-called BF who is really bad news. He has been in trouble with the law for years, including drug charges. Yes, we've been warning her about him and saying she should stay away from him because he will bring her down. Well, if any of you remember things about my DD, she doesn't like to be told what to do. And she has poor judgement when it comes to choosing BF's. The BF came to the party. DS came home the next morning and said DS left the party with BF around 5 a.m. She never showed up at our house. Around 2:00 we (DS, DH and I) went over to the kid's dad's house and talked to a friend outside the house. He said they weren't in there (we had an feeling he was lying). We went back home, DD didn't show up for work at 2 p.m. We went back to that house and a new friend was there and also said DD wasn't in there. Meanwhile, I had called some of her friends to find her whereabouts and one said she and BF were in the house. We hung around outside to see if DD might just come out. She didn't. Finally, DH called a police officer friend of ours who came along with two other police officers. They talked the friend into letting them in the house to see if our DD was there. She was hiding in a closet. They searched her purse and found a pot pipe and cigarettes. She was charged for drug paraphenalia (wouldn't you think she would have ditched it when she heard the police??)and juvenile runaway. By this time it was about 4 p.m. We all went down to the police station and the officer friend had a serious talk about who she is hanging around with and turning her life around. DD is the star swimmer on the HS swim team and holds school records. She has applied to college and has career goals. So we all say... what the heck???? Why would she be hanging out with these losers?! Why? She is ordered to mandatory counseling... thank goodness... because I have been trying to get her to counseling for a year and she has refused. Now she has to go. I asked her why she was making these bad decisions and she replied, "well you and dad are always getting too involved in things and that makes me want to do the things you're telling me not to." I said, "let me get this straight... we try to stop you from doing things that may be dangerous or harmful and because of that you decide to do those things that cause pain and suffering for YOU and others?" She said "yeah, sometimes." Mind you... we didn't make a big deal about her seeing this guy at first because we thought things would blow over rather quickly. He is a kid who changes direction all the time and really has no plans. SHE keeps hanging onto him. When things were fizzling out, she got them going again. Finally, after this happened this weekend, we said "ENOUGH" you can't see him anymore. We took her car away (for good), it will now go to her brother. She no longer has a cell phone and her tv is taken away. Can anyone offer advice as to how to pick up the pieces from here? I'm starting to think she must just think of herself being as low as these other deadbeats. I'm hoping some good happens in counseling. AS for the swimming... she was on-track for making it to state. She is ranked in the top 10 of her conference. I know she likes the recognition, but I think that is all gone now. She has to meet with the athletic director tomorrow. I'm sad, distraught, exhausted. I feel like I've wasted years of a career to be a mostly stay-at-home mom and it didn't really help. I am feeling like I've tried so many approaches and nothing worked with this DD. Not only that, but I am beginning to feel hopeless. What if she does just want to hang out with druggies and end up in jail? Thanks for any advice someone might have.
Deb
Debbie

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Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 8:10am

Normally the curfew is 12 midnight for both of them since they are so close in age, but because it was Homecoming and because things have been going relatively well lately I allowed them to go to this overnighter. I haven't had any trouble with DS... he always calls and lets me know where he is and doesn't drink, smoke, etc. DD on the other hand has a history of not letting me know what she is doing. But lately she has been calling and letting me know her whereabouts. I figured that since she would be with DS things would be okay. We didn't let her take her car ( she only has one point left on her driver's license and cannot risk getting picked up again) and she rode with a trusted friend. I called that friend the next day and he and his mother were worried and concerned. He was the one who suggested we check the BF's dad's house even though he wasn't sure if they were in there. The two lying friends who KNEW they were in there are beyond reaching, as far as I am concerned. They have been in trouble with the law numerous times, sometimes with the BF... they are used to lying their way out of things. When we came to the BF's dad's house, we found out the BF's dad is in jail and there are just the three teenage boys living in the house! And... DD seems to see nothing wrong with this and "why does she have to have so many rules when no one else does?" I found out who the landlord is and told him there are just three teens living in the house and no adult. He thanked me for letting him know.

Regarding the previous poster's comment about the source of pot. I think the BF is a source, but I don't know think he is always the source. I checked her phone messages and she and a girlfriend get it from some other guy too. This is the girlfriend that was going to pick her up early for school this morning.

I think I will follow your advice on no overnighters for a long time (how long?) and I will let her earn the tv back. The car and phone are gone forever though. She will have to get a job and buy her own. And now she has lost her job for not showing up.

She can be so sweet... which really throws me. She sweetly asked why she can't have anything. Why can't she have a tv? I told her because she left the overnighter and didn't tell us where she was. And that even when we were at the house, she didn't come out and didn't show for her job. And that she was found at a flop house where drug deals go down. She didn't argue or anything... it's just really flooring me. I can't tell if she is really NOT understanding the seriousness of all this or not? At one point, she had said that the reason she got into so much trouble is because WE called the police. Well excuse me for wanting to find my underage daughter! I told her SHE was the one MAKING the bad decisions and why didn't she just come out when we were there?? Or why didn't she just come home with her brother? Her response was that she wanted to get some sleep.
Deb

Debbie

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