DD enjoys sexual IM messages - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
DD enjoys sexual IM messages - help!
10
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 1:08am
Our DD is 15. About 6 months ago, we secretly installed an IM tracker on both of our computers - mainly to monitor DDs behavior. DD had started to run with a wild crowd and was slowly spinning out of control. Things have greatly improved... DD seems to be making better choices and new friends. We have not had any major issues since the end of last year. THEN.... I over the past week have encountered some very inappropriate IM conversations with a 16yo boy from her school. This boy is in 1 of DDs classes. He has occasionaly called / IMed DD over the past year - by all appearances he is a casual friend. His IMs this past week have been VERY sexual. He IMs requesting DD to send him topless pictures... says he'll call in a few minutes so they can "Make each other horny and have phone sex"... talks about how he'd like to F*** her in his aunts hot tub. DD laughs off all of this with silly remarks... but then eggs him on... talking about how her sports bra is too small and her chest hurts from running at practice or talking about how she needs to buy new bras because she's grown a cup size. DD actually sent him a picture of her in her new bikini and he responded "Begging her" over and over to retake the picture w/o her top on. Thankfully she didn't and again made light-hearted flirtatous remarks to him.
I am floored that DD seems to be flattered and enjoys this interaction. It's obvious that this boy is just looking for some "action". I find his comments very very offensive and demeaning. I have found all this info out by snooping.... so it is impossible to confront DD w/o revealing that I run an IM monitor. Help!! Any suggestions on how to handle this? Thanks!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 7:22am
Can you blame Oprah or Dr. Phil? As in "I saw on Dr. Phil the other day that some girls...." and start the conversation that way? Dr. Phil, Oprah, and the other afternoon talk hosts have started a whole lot of conversations at our house... as have articles I've read in Woman's Day or another parenting magazine. DD may not own up to what she's doing, but you can definitely get your point across, and then keep an eye out and see if her behavior changes after you have your discussion. If it doesn't, you might have to take another path, but this might be a way to start.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 9:22am

I agree to find a conversation starter and go from there.

Ask her why she thinks a girl would IM with a boy in a sexual manner-maybe you will gain some insight into what she is thinking

I can see this happening with a current BF-not that I want to think about it but the technology is there so I guess times will change-but yes, I would find it disturbing with a casual acquaintance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 6:05pm

Have you had many talks with her in the past about sexuality, having respect for yourself, etc.?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 7:57pm

Frankly I don't find it surprising that she enjoys sexual banter and that sort of attention and flattery. I'm not sure why people assume girls would be any less hormonal and interested in sex and sexuality than boys. It takes two to tango and from what I know from my own personal experience and the teens I see around me, there's lots of tango partners out there of both sexes!!!!

So, that said, she's hormonal and "interested" but she needs to be cautious about how she handles those very natural impulses. Some light banter and flirting is one thing but the risk in sending ANYONE a topless or nude picture of oneself is a huge issue. Once that picture is out there it can go alot of places and it has happened before -- even between adults in longstanding relationships.

You say you've had some issues with her but that she is doing better. How about a discussion about how you are glad she has turned herself around to start with and then work your way into a discussion about boys and the internet and stuff. No harm even in using a story to illustrate your concerns. How about a story about how a friend telling you a story about a girl at her son/daughter's school who had given her bf nude pics of herself only to find that he had emailed them to his entire mailing list and then eventually it made its way all around the school forcing the school principal to contact her parents and deal with it.... Its a story that has happened in our area and its a good way to get the point across without accusing her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 10:28pm

I agree with the others that you need to be talking to her about inappropriate internet behavior.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:39pm

I didn't think abou this until you mentioned it, but does she realize that this boy could be printing out the IMs and showing it to all their friends? She could really get an unwanted rep at school, esp. if she is just joking around.

I think a lot of parents who "spy" on their kids by using computer programs or read their diary or whatever, don't think about what will happen if they find bad info because then they have to admit to what they are doing. I think there's a diff. w/ the computer because it can't really be kept secret, but if your child is doing something potentially dangerous (and I think that sending partially nude photos of herself gets into the dangerous area, while the chatting probably isn't), then you might just have to confess. She will be mad, but at least she will be watching what she is saying on line.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:28pm

I would be horrified too, whether it's normal behavior or not. We just found out my sd14's website has that she thinks she is 'sexy', her bf is 'sexy' and his page has them making out in one of the fotos! We are shocked... We only see them 2-3 times a year so we don't have much control over her, but thankfully you can probably do much more.

My dh has told sd that he has that tracking thing on the computer so that she knows to 'watch herself'. Do you think if you tell her that you have this on, that she will be more conscientious about her behavior?

I am sure my sd is probably doing the same thing as far as 'flirting back' when her bf says this sort of thing. I'm surmising here, but I am now realizing there is probably a lot more going on with my sd/bf than we had previously hoped.

I suggest telling her about the monitor (as in it was just installed) and talk about it's to protect her from what other people might want to approach her about online and then have it open up a discussion about what's appropriate. This may be a different approach, but I would be inclined to start 'fresh' with the monitor having just been installed and that you will be monitoring things from here on out vs bringing up what you already know and her feeling angry that you did it secretly. I am inclined to think that if they know they are being monitored, they may be better (of course then they may get into their IM lingo that you need a slang dictionary to decipher! ha)

I am thinking my sd would rage over not having been told this was done so if you tell her it's there, educate her, and then she acts inappropriately afterwards, then you (in my mind) haven't broken her trust since she was warned but chose to behave inappropriately anyway. I tend to air on the side of preserving trust as much as possible I think. These are tough years ahead of us and while I want to set limits and boundaries, I also want her to know what we expect from her before disciplining her. It's a tough call, lots of luck to you! I am not enjoying these teen years very much personally!

:)

TTC 2 Journey 10 mos ttc naturally with Met (all bfn) June 2010 back on clomid 100mg x 7 days-BFP! M/C August 4 more rounds of clomid (3 w/ IUI) all BFN March clomid plus injectables -BFN April = natural cycle May back to clomid plus injectables
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 6:27am
Thanks to all for your wise input. I was "inspired" by the Oprah suggestion. I was at a reunion over the weekend with college friends. I told DD that one of the ladies talked about a new "game" being played at her daugthers school. In this game boys or girls are awarded points for obtaining revealing pictures of members on the "game list". They are also awarded points for printing off IM conversation that reveals personal information. I said that different people / different topics have different point values. I advised her to be very careful on IM as this game is sweeping the nation.
She completely fell for the story. Later that evening, the same boy who had tried to obtain the pictures the previous day, was online and still trying to get DD to take off her top and send a photo. She exited the conversation in record time.... although later that evening she talked to him a little more openly but not quite as bad as before.
I might have to tell her that I am installing a monitor. I am really torn on this one.
Thanks again to all.... and don't any of you get caught playing the new "game"! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 7:10am
Hey Hollybeary, what ever works! The "game" theory isn't so far off base - coz some boys do get their thrills trying to collect as many revealing pics of girls in their school as they can. I remember J telling me about something along that line when he was in hs 4 yrs ago, completely forgot it until you mentioned the "game." J thought it was disgusting at the time, and I never heard anything more about it... and the boy who did it? Just read in our local weekly paper last night that he was convicted on child porn charges. Doesn't surprise me when I think about the way he was in high school. That might be a lesson for anyone who thinks "we're in a small town, we're safe." We live about as far out in the sticks as you can get, the nearest town over 5,000 people is an hour drive away!
Rose
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:34am

The thing about IM's and texts is that there is no face to face interaction, so people are less inhibited in their interactions with one another.

While it's normal for there to be some flirtation and even a mild form of sexual banter at their ages, it is inappropriate and bordering on sexual harrassment to have conversations like you're describing. It IS demeaning and rude to 'beg' another person to satisfy his adolescent sexual urges without any emotional intimacy or closeness; without an actual relationship. Friends shouldn't ask friends for free, non-committal sex acts at 15.

If they were going out for a while and had reached that level when appropriate, then it wouldn't be such a big deal - but your dd and this boy are only just getting to know one another and already it's sexual? That is a trait that seems to be very pervasive in our society and it's filtered it's way down to younger and younger teenagers. It's pretty scary to me that a relationship begins sexually rather than emotionally. IMO, you really need to address the backwardness of their conversations and his lack of respect for your dd.

We had this issue with my 17dd (then 15dd) and we gradually lessened her IM privileges but she didn't completely lose her IM privileges until she had a sexually explicit conversation with an online predator and was kidnapped.

Exploring their sexuality at this age is nothing new - but using the virtual anonymity of the internet is not. Combined with the normal level of teen arrogance about knowing everything and being smarter than everyone with their lack of emotional and intellectual development, it is a mix for disaster, IMO.

I hate to place a teens sexuality and the exploration of same as taboo - I want my dds to be comfortable with their budding sexuality. However, they need to learn how to guage what is and what is not appropriate. They are barraged with music and tv, and movie images that show our girls are always "ready, willing and waiting" and we as parents need to counterbalance that with common sense information, teach them respect for themselves, including body and heart and mind. If they do not learn to respect themselve, no one else will. They can acknowledge their sexuality without compromising who they are, ruin their reputation and accept unacceptable behavior from horny boys/girls.

Have that converstaion with your dd - best of luck. I know I have a tendency to go on about this crap and I'm sorry, but BTDT and I would hate to see something happen to anyone else's teen because what they saw as innocent flirting was not so innocent at all.