DD Having Casual Sex...need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
DD Having Casual Sex...need help!
5
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 4:22pm
I really don't know where to turn after just finding out some things about my daughter that have me pretty horrified, so I'm hoping some of you out there can give me some words of wisdom. My DD is 17 and has been interested in boys since middle school, but has only had a couple of short lived relationships with boys. I found out last summer that she had engaged in sex with a couple of different boys, pretty much out of curiosity. I pretty much freaked out (not nearly as cool as I thought I was.) We also found out she was drinking, etc, so we grounded her, had some serious discussions and she said she had changed. We have monitored her emails ever since then and recently have found out more than I really want to know, specifically, she is having casual sex with at least two different guys now. I just don't understand what this behavior means or what I should do about it. I asked her recently if she was having casual sex after finding condoms in her spare purses, to which she replied no, but she wanted to be prepared if something happened or a friend needed one. She is basically a pretty decent kid, involved on a sports team, good grades, and works part time. She is planning to go to college and is fairly responsible. This is so disturbing to me for a number of reasons, but she obviously is worlds away from where we would like her to be on the moral spector. At this point, I just want her grown up and gone, which isn't that far away, but I wonder what I should do in the meantime. I try to maintain open lines of communication, but it is a struggle as she is a head strong girl who seems determined to do what she wants. I know it is impossible for me to stop her from having sex if that's what she wants, but what can/should I do? Any input would be welcomed as I am at my wit's end!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 7:25pm

I DO think sex is casual today compared to my day and my definition. It appears to happen faster and without much promise for the future

I understand your concern. Aside from the obvious pregnancy and STD concerns, you want your dd to have what you consider respect for herself

I would guess her definition is different though.

I don't think she has to have a serious relationship-in fact, I was disappointed when DS2 became attached for the first time right before leaving for college(but...not my call)I think it is best to play the field when one is young and have a better idea of the different people out there and what it takes to relate to them

I guess I would talk to her about relationships and see what you get. Ask why she hasnt been serious about anyone yet-not in a negative manner but 'some girls seem to...what do you think is different about you"

I would also explore what she thinks boys think of girls who have casual sex; I think girls think boys are all modern about that stuff when, in reality, what they think of experienced girls hasnt changed all that much

DS2 is a college freshman in an all freshman coed dorm. One girl apparently got around and slept with several guys on the floor. They have white boards on the outside of their doors, I guess to write positive and encouraging messages to each other(yeah, that was a wise decision on someones part)

One guy wrote something nasty on her door-she called the police-both have left school and are starting fresh elsewhere. It was quite teh scandal in the world of 18/19 yr olds. And I honestly didnt get the impression she was hitting THAT many rooms, KWIM? I dont think it takes a whole lot of casual sex to be seen negatively

Surely there are some books or boards or something where girls can find out what guys really think. Might be worth a search on the net?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:34pm

With 3 DSs under my roof, I can tell you what guys really think about girls who have casual sex - they're good for a good time, but they won't consider a serious relationship with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:29am
I think you are smart to keep the lines of communication open. It's hard that you are finding info out on the "sly" because it makes it hard to talk about openly. My DD (14) and her best friend went to planned parenthood one afternoon after school. I found this out thru spy software tracking AIM messages and freaked out. I lied... and told her that a friend of mine had driven past PP and seen her entering the building. She then told me the visit was for her friend.... maybe.... I hope so at least.... but the door was opened for much conversation about STD's and pregnancy. Her friend was recently dumped despite the PP visit... and she is crushed. Young girls just don't understand that sex has a different meaning at this age to girls than it has to most boys. I also talked a lot about how sex is an adult decision that can have big consequences. That no birth control is 100% effective. I stressed that if you are having sex you COULD be faced with very hard decisions and asked DD if she had thought about all of this. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:56am

Hugs to you going through this - it is so hard. I began having quarterly discussions with my DD when she turned 15 about sex. The discussions were usually me talking and her staring out the window but I promise she heard every single word. I kept them to around 15 - 20 minutes unless she was really talking, which did happen occassionally.

I also set up a series of programs at our church for youth and premarital sex. The first program wasn't strictly on abstinence but covered anything and everything. The woman that taught it is a retired minister's wife and the kids had trouble at first talking to someone her age but after the first night it was everything's fair game. The only representative from the church present was our youth director and he was only going to be there for a short time so the kids were pretty open. The second program was a panel discussion with college students that have choosen abstinence. Some were virgins and some were not. The kids were allowed to write their questions down in advance anonymously. These programs changed the minds of several of our kids - my DD included. She went from having sex to being abstinent. If you are involved in church, you might see if something like this is possible.

Also in my work with the sr high kids (all boys) at church, I've come to learn that most of them don't want to date someone with that reputation either. At first, I thought they were just giving me the answer they thought I wanted to hear but after really getting to know them, I believe them.

I also teach college and I've become pretty good at spotting the girls that are out for a good time and those that want a relationship. Alot of people automatically assume that girls that have casual sex have a low self-esteem. I don't always see that to be the case. Alot of these girls truly have the believe that they are young and there is time enough later for serious relationships. They want to "enjoy life". I don't know if they learn this through TV, movies, videos, or watching other adults in their lives but please keep in mind that her behavior doesn't necessarily mean that she's suffering from some sort of psychological problem. This may just be her way of having fun.

I would talk to her in a general way. I would say you know it's been a while since we talked about sex and I want to make sure that I'm doing the best possible job I can as your mom and that means talking about sex occassionally. Briefly touch on the physical consequences & also check into getting her the HPV vaccine (prevents the virus that is associated with cervical cancer). She's obviously trying to protect herself by having condoms with her so I wouldn't dwell on the physical. I would discuss the emotional consequences. Ask her why she thinks people have premarital sex both in and outside of relationships. Try not to loose it. Remain calm regardless of her answer. Ask her about the future relationships of those that have had casual sex with several partners. Ask her if she thinks their future spouses will be okay with them having done that. What about the future spouses that haven't had casual sex? Will they be okay with this? Chances are she won't talk much. Mine stared out the window but she heard every single word I said. I actually heard her repeat some of it to one of her girlfriends one night when the friend was having a problem with her b/f. They do listen and they do think about it.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 8:48pm
Wow, thanks to all of you who responded with some great insights. I do try to talk to her and bring things up on a fairly regular basis, but it is hard to keep cool about it. I don't really expect her to tell me she's having casual sex because she knows I would view it as acting slutty. I try not to judge her as I was no angel in college, but somehow it's different when it's your daughter and she's still in high school. I do worry about her hooking up with some psycho or guy that she can't handle...she is still just 17. I guess I just need to keep talking to her and look in to some of the resources you all have suggested. I think she wants to experience the excitement of sex and doesn't want to be tied down. She doesn't seem to get overly emotionally involved or hurt by her brief trysts which is hard for me to understand. Thanks to all of you for your support. All of this is hard for a mom and not easily discussed with my husband. He knows she has been sexually active and has handled it better than I anticipated, however, I worry that he will really snap if he knows what she's up to. I really hate spending the last year of her childhood wanting it to be over so that she can go off to college and do her thing, whatever that may be. I know the worrying doesn't stop then, but I can accept that it's out of my hands at that point. Right now I keep wondering what I should do to make her stop and I guess I really can't! Thanks again to all of your for your support!