DD issues with Mean Girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
DD issues with Mean Girl
11
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:42am

I know this is a really common issue...but ours has an unusual twist.
DD (14) has a friend who moved in next door (NB) the first part of 7th grade (last year). DD took her under her wing and introduced her around. They were friends for a while, and then starting having problems like most teens. They had mutual friends, and were part of the athletics/popular girls. NB had a slumber party that same year and during that party, DD and another girl got tired and went to sleep in the living room. Ever since that party (over a year ago) NB has been telling rumors that my DD is a lesbian and made out with this girl. We have tried to ignore the rumors, and after 7th grade last year, they died out. Well NB has started them up again. It seems to creep up when DD starts hanging around the same popular girls again, and NB is just shooting her down everytime things start going well. This particular rumor seems to cause all of DD's friends to scatter and the boys to ignore her. I am really worried about her getting depressed over this issue. If it were any other kind of rumor, I wouldn't panic, but this has the potential to seclude and destroy my daughter's self confidence. I have spoken with NB's mom on 2 occasions (once was her idea, and once was mine), as we are both tired of the girls coming home complaining about their relationship. We thought this lesbian rumor was dropped, but since it has come up again, what can DD do to diffuse it? I know it will carry her into high school, and I hate to see that. I even found a question on Yahoo answers that my daughter posted about the situation. I hate that my DD has to find a way to overcome such a harsh situation. I have asked her to laugh about it when it comes up and say "that is SO last year...can't you come up with something better?". I have also suggested to ignore it again. I just wonder if anyone else has any ideas for her to diffuse this.
Thanks for any advice


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:07pm

No suggestions but I would expect it to die a natural death in HS unless you live in a very small town. Too many kids-classes that have 9th, 10th, etc grades mixed. It's different!

I also think HS ers are more open and would not 'scatter' if they heard this rumor and NB might give it up once it doesnt get the desired effect

Fingers crossed for it disappearing with middle school

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:45pm

I'm so sorry you and your DD are going through this! I know how hard it is ... my own DD (now 15yo sophomore) went through her own fair share of mean girls stuff in 8th grade, with girls she had been friends with since 3-4th grade. I wanted to strangle a few scrawny 13yo necks, that's for sure. NB definitely sounds like an insecure and immature girl, imo.

Have you and/or your DD read the book 'Queen Bees and Wannabees'? It's really very interesting and your DD may find it useful in deciphering what's really going on. Basically, there are some people (NB being one of them) that feel so badly about themselves that the only way they can feel better is by making someone else feel bad. That's the simplistic version. I know it's available at Borders and Barnes & Noble. You might want to pick up a copy.

Windrush is right, however, that by high school, things and kids change quite a bit. There is still drama, it's just somewhat different, and I really do think that by the time 9th grade rolls around, there are very few who will bother to remember your DD's 'supposed' sexual orientation. Heck, it seems to be quite the thing these days to be considered something other than heterosexual. Odd as that may seem to you and I.

In the meantime, and as hard as it is, encourage your DD to walk onto campus with her head held high, ignore the remarks as best she can and go on with her life.

Maybe she can invite some kids over (excluding NB of course) or to a movie or an outing, in an effort to stay connected.

HTH, and hang in there. I know it's hard!

Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 1:28pm

So she's in 8th grade this year?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 5:57pm
It sounds to me like NB is very insecure and is afraid that DD will outshine her if DD is too friendly with the group of girls. Middle school girls are horrible to each other, but the good news is that, as others have said, most of them seem to outgrow the meanness somewhere around the end of 9th or beginning of 10th grade. And, unfortunately, some of them never outgrow it, and turn into those women that we all lable out and out B*TCHY. I have the privilage (NOT!) of working with 2 of them, both of whom are in their 40s. Thankfully, the closer they come to adulthood, the more of them (the kids) can see the queen bee b****es for what they are.
Hang in there.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 6:57pm

I hate this type of rumour-mongering by insecure girls for sure.

As an aside, why is it that an all too-common way to insult and bully a person is to call them a homosexual? No wonder people who are homosexual live in terror of "coming out". I know there are alot of people who still consider homosexuality as something immoral or deviant but to me it is as reprehensible as a racial slur. In neither case can the person change their nature and yet they are insulted and repressed for being what they are.

Now if your dd was confident and sure of herself, I'd suggest that when they call her a lesbian she tell people she "doesn't discuss her sexual orientation" and leave them guessing ... lol ... If she wouldn't care, they shouldn't either.

Maybe this would be too much for an 8th grader but the approach I would recommend is similar ie to somehow laugh it off and remain unconcerned...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:06am

Funny, because when this whole initially started, I told her to put her arm around the girl starting it all, and give her a great big sloppy kiss on her cheek. I told her to tell mean girl "I know you secretly think I'm hot..."
Like you said...DD freaked out. Guess my synical ways are still a little too old for her. She'll come around later in life and wish she did that very thing, just to have a story to tell. hehehehe

Thanks to everyone who posted. I went the library last night and they actually had the Queen Bees and Wanna Be's book. I read all the way through chapter 6 (yes I am a speed reader and proud of it) and marked a few quick things for DD to read before bed. She was excited that the book had some good information. Based on our conversations over the past few years, I had her pegged as a Floater, and sure enough, she read through the descriptions and said without a doubt, she is a floater. Funny thing though...she said this other girl is not the Queen Bee. We talked for a while and determined that she is trying to work her way up to the position, and sees DD as a threat to that. Not sure how DD will handle it, but I think she is more prepared today.

On a side note, she had a rough day yesterday with the girls, but did say that all the guys were really nice to her.....hmhmhm...Wonder Why....Every Guys Dream to see 2 girls making out :)
I didn't tell her that... I just told her that I chose to hang out with guys in High School for the same reason and that they end up becoming better friends than girls do.

Thanks again and I will keep you posted if things progress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:25pm

I'm afraid I don't but I can offer some hope. At 15, my DD's ex b/f started the rumor that she was pregnant and didn't know if he or her new b/f were the father. When no baby developed, he then said she had an abortion. Thankfully, her new b/f was mature enough to ignore this b/c sizewise he could have really done some damage to the ex. DD just had to ignore it and if someone brought up, she simply laughed and said the ex needed to retake biology b/c virgins can't get pregnant! But it really hurt DD that her first love would lie about her in such a way.

His grandmother and I had a few conversations over their issues and finally decided that it would be best if they had no contact whatsoever. We told both the kids they would be punished if there was any contact. They both needed time to "let go". It worked and they have since moved on. I doubt this would work in your case though.

All I can suggest is alot of patience. I would also suggest that you encourage your DD to never be alone with this girl. That way she can't take anything that DD says or does and twist it around.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:11pm
My daughters middle school years are her worst memories. The girls will do whatever they can to be the most popular. My daughter as well was called lesbian time and time again by a girl who lockered next to her. My daughter is cute, friendly, outgoing, and had many popular friends but this girl really brought her down. It went on far enough that the mean girl would email my daughter just to call her names and act absurd. The only thing I could do was email her back and inform her I was watching - she did not care. When my daughter finally had enough she was able to muster up enough courage to start countering back. When she was called a lesbian she would wink at her and say "are you asking me out?" The kids in the hallway laughed and it embarrassed the girl to death. It went on the whole year but my child kept up the giggles and would not respond angrily.It completly stopped at the end of the year - it wasn't getting this girl anywhere and the other kids got quite tired of hearing it from her. They befriended my child. I guarantee your child that in high school EVERYTHING changes. The "it" girls are the "wanna be's". The older kids dont buy into the immature rumors and are more apt to side with the underdog most of the time. They dont think its funny or news worthy. They are onto much bigger issues. Just assure her this will pass. The girl who did this in middle school hasnt said anything in high school - she is not popular, no one knows her name. She is just a regular girl trying to survive high school like everyone else. Her mouth no longer blows out insults but smiles and tries to get noticed instead. The only thing we "preached" to our daughter was to notice how this young lady behaves and tell yourself you will NEVER be the mean girl. It all comes full circle and those who dish it out eventually have to take it from someone else. Just dont ever stoop to their level and be the "disher".
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:37am
I just hate the whole mean girl thing! Have you thought about reporting this to the guidance counselor? I hate to sound like a tattle tail but many schools have a zero tollerance for bullying. Middle school is tough enough and I don't think that it's fair that your dd has to deal with this as well.
Suzanne
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:43am

Thanks for the reply
I did think about it and I have actually called the counselor twice about the issue in the past, more for depression watch than to resolve it. I think I am too nice about it. I don't tell her exactly what is wrong, because I don't want to sound like I am blaming the other girl...I am way too realistic and I always wonder what my daughter has done to initiate the meaness....even though no one has ever given me a reason to think my daughter caused this. Anyway, my daughter won't talk to the counselor about it. She says that when rumors go around, the counselors call in half the school individually to find out what is going on, and it makes the situation worse.
I thought I would wait a week to see how DD handles it this time. She is reading the Queen Bees book and seems to have a new stronger stance on it. I want her to try to handle it herself before I jump in again

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