DD lying to us, what do I do?
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| Tue, 02-05-2008 - 12:07pm |
DD forgot her cell phone this am and I read her messages. I know this is a hot topic here with privacy issues but I feel it is my right and duty as her mother to make sure everything is ok with her.
So I pieced together the incoming and outgoing messages and it seems she skipped band practice last night and went instead to her BFs house and kissed. They were out of school last Thursday & Friday due to a flu epidemic. She supposedly spent the night with a friend but I think she drove to the BFs house in the middle of the night for who knows what.
I object to being lied to about her whereabouts and driving to BFs in the middle of the night is not ok either. I do not think she's a saint but I was shocked at the fact that skipping practice was entirely her idea.
So what form of punishment does this warrant? Take away the phone? The laptop? The car?

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Raising a daughter today is so difficult. My dd is now 20 and we are still facing challenges; and we went through many during high school. No drugs, alchohol problems, etc - but we had an incident of her running away with her BF, getting caught drinking under age, and one incident of shoplifting. As I look back I keep asking myself where did we go wrong. What I do know is that my dd in HS was very attractive, a talented athlete and the envy
Take away her car.
No one who has ever followed my posts will believe I'm saying this--LOL--but I don't think you should mention this to her at all. I'm all for judicious snooping, but one of the problems is that we feel compelled to act on every bit of information we find out. Sometimes, it's better to preserve our relationship w/ our kids and to keep our "methods" of getting info to ourselves so we don't drive them further underground. In this case, since it doesn't seem like she did anything SO horrible, I think I'd keep this info to myself, but use what I learned to keep much closer tabs on her. For example, the next time she goes somewhere, I'd find some way of verifying that she's actually there. Then, when you catch her red-handed, so to speak, you can confront her and withdraw privileges or whatever you decide to do.
Good thought EJ.
Thanks for the replies. EJ, I never thought of not confronting her on this. Since this is her first infraction (that we know about) I don't know that I could have ignored it so I could catch her red-handed.
She did confess to skipping band practice and going to bf house. She said they watched tv. We've taken her cell phone, the laptop and the car is only to be driven to and from school and she may not have friends over and she may not go anywhere with them. She is allowed to call her friends and they may call her on our home phone.
To get these things back her grades must improve and we must see that she's putting her priorities in order. For a kid who wants to be a doctor or pharmacist, slacking on her homework is not the way to make that happen.
I feel badly for her. She has liked other boys and they've liked her but only wanted to be friends. This boy wants to date her but not go steady. She thought by being more forward with the affection/sexual favors he would want to be her boyfriend. She is a smart, beautiful girl but she feels worthless in the boy department. I think a lot of girls are this way and I wish I knew what I could say or do to convince her that going to extremes to get a bf is not healthy.
I do remember a time in my life when my only requirement to go out w/someone was wether or not he wanted to go out w/me. I didn't particularly have much self-worth either.
She was very upset after our talk because she didn't think BF would still be around after her grounding. I told her he's not the guy she thinks he is if he won't wait a few weeks and she said she's afraid to find out.
I also told her that we know she will have boyfriends and she will make out w/them but we don't expect her to lie to us about her whereabouts or sneak into his house in the middle of the night for it to happen.
I appreciate all of you. Any suggestions for helping her self esteem?
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I wish I knew the answer to that one.
I have 3 girls of my own one is 19 one is 12 and the twins are 7 boy girl. my 19 year old was for the most part very honnst with me, she did hav some emtional problems she was a cutter and hospitlized 2x, her real dad does not have anthing to do with her, she is very smart but eneded up getting her ged becouse big classes was to much.
shannon
I'm on the "don't reveal your knowledge" train. I'm a snooper, and I know quite a bit about what my DD is up to. She's almost 17. From snooping, I know that she doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and is not yet SA. She hasn't snuck out of the house, and usually is where she is supposed to be. I know of two instances where she told me she was going someplace and she went somewhere else. Neither time was she getting into trouble of any kind, so I let it lie. She does need to be a teenager once in a while, I guess. I did have a conversation with her about being honest about where she is, in case there's a problem and we need to go looking for her.
It seems it is too late for you to take this course, so be aware that your DD will be very careful with her phone from now on. My DD only suspects that I have read her texts, and she usually takes her phone with her everywhere, even sleeps with it IN her bed!
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I vote with the idea of monitoring them and not letting them know. I have gotten interesting info that enabled me to be extra vigilent when I knew my 17 year old was going to a party or something. (he wouldn't tell me if there was a party w/aclohol). I would make sure there were no sleepovers or schemes, and be sure to remind him about drinking and the drug/alcohol tests I own (but never used). I like getting info so I know if there is anything serious. If he knew I monitored he'd stop using the device.
My younger child (15) mentioned about not going to a party because there'd be alcohol and I would catch him! It made me feel good that he didn't go. I wish he said he just doesn't drink, but if he's afraid of being caught that will work for now!
Snooping is definitely best kept a secret. They'd be horrified to be told we invaded their privacy and it would start trouble. We don't do it to be nosy, we do it to hopefully be more careful parents.
Trying to decide if I should give my almost 18 yr old son the alcohol tests to keep with him as a precaution. He could use them if he'd been drinking to see how drunk he is. I'm afraid it'd be like giving permission, yet I'm foolish to think he doesn't drink. Now that he'll be 18 he'll push more to stay out late and/or sleep over. Sleeping over is very wise if he'd been drinking, but he wouldn't tell me he'd been. Yet, to just allow any old sleepover might encourage the drinking (if there is any). I think this 18th birthday will be very hard on me!
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