DD moved on! Not out of woods yet tho

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
DD moved on! Not out of woods yet tho
6
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 6:00am
Thank you all, friends, for your prayers and good wishes as we are trying to get through this difficulty with my dd and her controlling, abusive bf. My DH really came through and managed to calmly explain to dd that it is time to get out of this abusive relationship. She had already decided to "take a break" from BF to go out with snowboarder BF. But then she kept texting back and forth with old BF. We were so afraid she was going to get back together with him. Who knows what he was saying to her. Surely, something along the lines of wanting to be with her forever and that he will change. Abusers don't change (at least not without extensive counseling). I went online and did some research on Abusive Teen Dating, printed some things off, and left them on her bed. I don't know if she will read them or not, but if she even glances at it and a few phrases catch her eye, I think it will help. She went to snowboard BF's house yesterday and talked to him on the phone until it was so late, I had to tell her to go to sleep. It's a good sign, I guess. I just really worry that the old BF will get her to feel sorry for him and she will give him another chance. She still doesn't see it as an abusive relationship (excuse me.... being called an a**h***, b****, b****a**, loser, retard on a regular basis?? That's not verbal abuse?) I told her that I think she might be too young to understand. DH and I both told her we loved her more than anything and that that is why we stepped in. It was because of the abuse just like we would step in if there were drugs involved or if she were turning into alcoholic.
I hope this info can help some of you other parents who are experiencing this too. Keep us in your prayers and I'll keep you in mine too.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:41am

I am not experienced as a parent who has been through an abusive relationsihp with their teen, but I am the survivor of an abusine teenage relationship. I look back in amazement, and hopefully she will, too. Just know that before he gives up, he'll probably upgrade. I've been through the begging, the crying, the promises and the threats and I did it with no help at all from my parents because I kept them completely in the dark. Keep telling your dd that you love her and you're there for her. You are doing the right thing.
jt

ps. After I extricated myself from that relationship, I vowed that no guy would EVER treat me that way again. I met dh in good time and we've been married 26 years.

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:29am
Thanks, pay. I'm curious, how long did your relationship last? Did it start out okay and get progressively more verbally abusive? I'm sometimes amazed when I look back at my teen years and realize how parents just did not know much of anything that went on. It's different now. Maybe because many of us got in trouble during the turbulent 70's. I am so happy to hear you vowed never to be treated badly again. How did you finally get up the nerve to end it? Did you take him back when he promised to change? Did you wish you had gotten help from parents, friends, siblings?
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:52am

i am happy to hear. you need to know that the abuser may continue to try and get her back - he may act super nice to her, buy her things, tell her the things she wants/needs to her.

OR

he may attempt/threaten to comitt suicide.

your dd will need to really be surrounded by all of you - giving her the love and support she needs. she would probably benefit from a professional, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 11:09am

Hi Deb,
(how long did your relationship last? Did it start out okay and get progressively more verbally abusive? _

We were togther from my mid-Junior year until a year after I graduated. The verbal abuse started gradually after sometime after the first year. The physical stuff (which was mainly shoving, pushing, turning over furniture, punching holes in walls ... he never punched or beat me, but I think it might have headed there had I not escaped) started about six months before the end. The verbal abuse had reached a fever pitch by this time.

(How did you finally get up the nerve to end it? Did you take him back when he promised to change? )

I had a job at a small newspaper and met many friends of all ages there. I wanted to pursue my interest in photography (I am still working as a photographer). He was very dismissive about my interests and I had all these new friends doing all sorts of interesting things. It made me realize how unhealthy the relationship was. And, yes, I took him back several times after the drama, the crying and the promises to change. When I broke it off for good, I quit my job, packed up all the possessions of a 19 year old and moved to Florida for six months.

(Did you wish you had gotten help from parents, friends, siblings?)
Oh yes. I had two good friends who knew what was happening and were supportive. The rest of my friends breated collective sighs of relief in the end. I wish I'd had the courage to tell my parents/sisters. He even threatened to kill my parents at one point. I was just too darned stupid to go to them. I know how lucky I was. They've been gone for over ten years, and they never ever knew.

Thank you for your kind words. Something good comes out of everything. When I look at my family, I am very thankful. Your dd will probably learn from this and, with luck, she will have learned how NOT to be treated. I will pray that she continues to have strength. Keep us posted.
jt

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 1:18pm
Great info pay. Again, I'm so glad you got out of the bad situation. DH and I and DS (yes our son got involved too)are at wits end at this point. As several of you predicted, BF did make a teary apology and said he would change. Now DD BELIEVES him! We tried to explain that this is textbook abuser behavior, but she really doesn't acknowledge the verbal and emotional abuse. She keeps focusing on little things, like him saying he would take her to do things more often (those changes should be LOW priority). Her brother reminded her of many abusive things BF has done to her and said she deserves better. He told her BF is not going to change. She is close to her brother, but it just seemed like she didn't believe us; she believes the BF! He has her convinced that we are just trying to control her life. I reminded her that we're not; we are only involved because of HIS bad behavior and he was acting like the criminal getting mad at the police officer for something HE did. He is telling her ANYTHING and everything to get her back. He even said, if she comes back to him he will let her see snowboard BF too. Have you ever heard such absurdity? I called the local domestic abuse center to see if a counselor is available. She has an appointment to have lunch with DD tomorrow at lunch time. I just hope DD goes. For now we are still praying and not getting much sleep. :(
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 4:03pm

Unfortunately, he is following the pattern. Keep in mind from your dd's perspective seeing him - who she perceives as being in control - broken and crying and weak, can be pretty pwerful stuff. It's easy for a girl, especially a young girl, to get caught up in ti all. She believes he will change because he appears to be broken. The "abuser" is gone...and thes new sensitive guy is taking his place.

Say as litle as possible. Duct tape your lips shut, if you must. Hug her, tell her you love her and keep the door wide open for her to come to you.. He will show his true colors soon enough.

If you are concerned for her safety, you might gently tell her that they will have to get together at your house for the time being.

Hang it there. She is trying to pull herself away from a very powerful force. She probably feels pressured and very conflicted. It may take a few mini-breakups fowllowed by a little backsliding before she can make that final break.

Keep telling her that you're on her side no matter what. And I think it's great that her brother is involved. Keep us posted.
jt