DD & older BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
DD & older BF
7
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:01pm
I don't know what to do!!! My 16 yr old DD is seeing a 20 yr old. I have to say he seems nice, but I just can't feel comfortable about what/why he wants to see someone so young. Unfortunately (for me!!) I've been told often enough that she's really beautiful both in looks & demeanor that I believe it & worry that he might be after something. Or, maybe not, but if she puts on the charm too much, he may not be able to stop. I have talked til I'm blue in the face about the age difference, about the concerns of their sleeping together, about her maybe getting hurt. I've even tried having a man tell her what men that age might be feeling hormones etc but nothing has worked. I know I can't say no or she'll go behind my back anyway. In fact, she denied it for a long time- don't know why- before I found out she'd been lying. I don't want her hurt. She says she's not going to do it, but somehow always wants to spend a lot of time alone with him- doesn't want to bring him here.I've talked to her about seeing a dr which is fine, but I'm not as worried about pregnancy (though I certainly don't want it) as about STD. I've told her that to win me over I'd like to see his test results. I'd feel alot better about her losing her virginity if it wasn't with someone I feel might be taking advantage of her. I know I sound wacko but 'm so frazzled & don't know what to do!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:33pm

Hugs Carol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 9:11am
Thanks Rose.
I've met him, they've been dating a few months- luckily she was gone for over 1 month of that time & in school the rest of the time. He has come over here & is a nice guy.Your idea about talking directly with him about my expectations sounds terrific & I'll do that right way!
Carol
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 10:12am
Excellent advice!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 1:31pm

My experience, watching my DSs and their friends - if a guy that is 21 or under is seeing a younger girl, it's almost always coz he enjoys her company, they're friends, they like doing things together.

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 5:50pm
I agree with you about the motivation of the older guy. While so much of this is individual, with my oldest DS's friends who are 20 a couple have dated (and are dating) younger girls (mostly HS seniors) but they seem to be the guys that blossomed alittle late when it came to girls. I remember these guys in HS and they were intimidated by DD who was 13or 14 at the time!
I think the advice to get to know him is great, actually good to do regardless of age!
Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 8:30am

I would wonder, as you do, why a 20year old man is interested in a 16yo girl. I don't assume there's something "wrong", but it would get my radar up. I say keep your eyes open, and go with your gut. If you feel that it's not a balanced happy relationship, then you're probably right. If you think he's a nice guy and a good friend to her, I'd say give them some leeway.

That said - I think my DD is mature, intelligent, and interesting, but I would be very surprised and not too happy if a 20 year old man asked her out.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 7:19pm
I don't know what state you are in, but in many a 20 year old man with a 16 year old girl is illegal. I don't have daughters, just sons, but this is a topic we are constantly talking about since my oldest is 19 and has girls younger interested in him. I've showed him the law and let him know what can happen. In your case. I wouldn't allow it. He's too old. Why is a 20 year old interested in a 16 year old? You're just asking for trouble. He might be feeling hormones? Guys that age are all hormones. The fact she doesn't want to bring him home speaks volumes. It's true she can be sneaky but I would do whatever I could to have it stop. If they have sex, depending on your state, he's a criminal.