DD problems escalate
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| Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:56pm |
I am furious!!!!!!!!
And for once, it's not at Dad, it's at 15YO DD. She decided somewhere in the 100 steps between me letting her off for school this morning and the door to the building that she was gonna skip school! Thank God for an astute attendance clerk who recognized that the male voice calling her in sick was not really her father. I had some frantic moments when she wouldn't answer her cell thinking all sorts of horrible scenarios, but thankfully she finally text messaged my phone that she was ok, decided she didn't want to go to school that day and was at a friend's house and would come home this afternoon.
I'm gonna hug her then I'm gonna strangle her!
I still don't know which friend she's with, but until I do, all of them are off limits and she's grounded till I don't know when! The cell phone is mine now, and she just lost the trip to RenFest that I was gonna give her for her bday.
Dead meat for a daughter
Steaming hot cupcake
How long should I ground her? Month? More?
What would ya'll do if in my shoes? Deliberate school skipping and lying are not acceptable to me.

BTDT but w/o the school skipping however she did spend the night at someone's house with no adults and an entire football team b/c one of her b/f's friend pretended to be the dad!! I knew something wasn't right when she came home the next day but it took me 3 mos to figure it out! Meantime everytime I asked she lied.
She was given a very, very major chore to do for each time that I could remember she lied to me. She wasn't allowed out on weekends for the same number of weekends. We always pretty much had a rule that you didn't go out on schoolnights except to school functions or church so that wasn't much of an issue. I called the dad of the boy that pretended to be dad - just to verify that that dad wasn't at home that night. Then dad put two and two together and made his son call and apologize and he was grounded for a while as well. From then on, she was only allowed at homes that I would recognize the parent's voice and that I knew the parents would have similar rules. She was made to call me from the house phone of anywhere she went even if she was only staying for a few minutes. She also knew that we would drive by and make sure her b/f's truck was there or else we would knock on the door. If there were too many cars parked around, she might be made to leave. She was watched like a hawk for a very, very long time. She had to work hard to earn that trust back.
Oh yeah, I know all about that kind of furious!
Thanks, tobylady.
I was really scared for her safety also.
Seriously if this were you and you hadn't noticed any previous school skips before (I check the listed absent days on the report cards) how long would you ground? I really don't like some of her friends (slackers--poor grades, attendance and some drinking/pot use) and I still don't know which one she was with yet. Should I try to find out who she was with and who called in the absence? The attendance clerk got the number off caller ID. I phoned it and got an answering message in a male voice that I didn't recognize as one of her friends. Should I try to limit her association with these kids?
She's already in trouble at school for tardies, has before school detention all next week.
Oh, my aching head!
I'm trying to put myself in your shoes - what would I do if my 15yo DD did that
1) drive her to, and pick her up from school - that would mean serious time off for me
2) absolutely no cell phone - I agree with that - the nerve of her texting you that she's OK and *will* come home at her pleasure
3) grounded for at least a month
4) I love tobylady's idea of chores too.
I'm not big on punishment - but I think lying, ditching school, and not rushing home as soon as you caught her - that's got to be nipped in the bud!
While you're all spending more time together - grounded and all - you can find out from her WHY she skipped school, and see if there's a way to motivate her to attend and get there on time (yup - old fashioned bribery).
Also, make it clear that freedom comes from showing responsibility. My DD knows that she earns increased freedom by showing me that she can handle the responsibitiy.
HTH
(((HUGS)))
Sue
Personally, I'm not in favor of grounding more than a week... it's never worked for my kids, the few times I've done it, and sometimes made the situation worse.
Deb
Something else I might do is actually walk her in to the school building and hand deliver her to an adminstrator. You mention those "100 steps between when I let her off for school this morning and the door to the schoo." Well, since she can't be trusted to make it from the car to the door, take her by the hand like a kindergartner--just for a week, long enough for her to feel like the fool she is for skipping school.
Elizabeth
Good idea, I could use the extra hands, and she really LOATHES housework of any sort.
Please use caution should you choose to walk your DD into the building every morning. My DD had horrible self-esteem, especially during that year that she was at her worse. I really don't think this would have helped her any at all. However, with some kids, it might work.
I rarely out and out grounded my DD (maybe I should have but it just seemed to make things worse). I would ground her for weekends only with limited activities during the week. She responded to chores - washing windows, cleaning garages, etc. We worked along beside her on these chores and never once discussed the offense that put her doing this work. She was usually proud of the work she had done. It helped to offset the self-esteem problems that she had b/c she got such a huge lecture for whatever it was she had done in the first place.
Me personally, I would ground her once weekend for each thing she did wrong - one for skipping school, one for not answering the phone, one for having her friend call school, etc. I would also give her one major chore to do during each of those weekends. After a couple of weeks, if her attitude was good and she was showing signs of understanding the problem, then I might let her have a night off for some special activity. It took about 6 - 9 mos to get DD turned back around but it worked.
I would try to find out who she was with and just explain to her that since she can't be trusted with them then her time with then will be limited as well. I actually had some of the guys over for dinner one night while she was grounded so I could meet them. I wanted to be able to put a face with the name. I needed to spend a little time with them before I could begin to decide whether to trust them or not. I also had DD write down each kids name, parents name, address and house phone number just in case I ever needed to get in touch with them. DD is now 18 but I still have that list and have used it a few times.
Good Luck!
You mentioned one thing that I missed in my "chores" post - we always work with the kids.