DD to talk about assault
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| Sun, 10-14-2007 - 12:55am |
I'm not sure if I posted about DD's assault on this board or not but I'm asking for your prayers and positive thoughts for her tomorrow as she tries to make something positive out of it. Last spring, my 19 DD (S) was attacked while at a college party. Her best friend's b/f (P) was very drunk and went to hit DD's friend (L). L screamed. DD ran in and pushed L aside. P grabbed DD and threw her into the wall. As DD came off the wall, P grabbed her again and shoved her back into wall. P was choking DD when another guy ran into the room and tried to pull P off DD. The main door to the room was locked and DD's b/f didn't think about the back entrance so he knocked down the door while DD was pinned to the wall. The door fell on DD's head. DD had bruises on her arms, back, neck and head from all this. She couldn't sleep alone for weeks. DD and her lifelong best friend (L) are no longer speaking to one another. L curled up in a ball during this and didn't really see all that happened. L took P back and told DD that if DD cared about her then DD would be happy they worked it out. DD said only if P agreed to therapy or AA or something. P doesn't remember the attack so he doesn't think there is a problem and won't go.
DD began to experience panic attacks b/c of this yet she refuses counseling. She says she doesn't have time and doesn't think the sudden racing heart and shaking is at all connected to this even though doc's have run a battery of tests and ruled out most of the medical reasons. These panic attacks started within a week and 1/2 of this incident.
DD is home from college for fall break and asked if she could tell this story to the youth SS class. I am very concerned in many ways but primarily b/c I don't want DD to have to relive this. I also know the kids will ask alot of questions that will get DD to seriously thinking about all the what-ifs again. However, I believe that it will help DD to work through some of this. DD is very concerned that some of the girls in this group (14 y/o) are putting themselves in some risky situations and she wants to show them how quickly and easily things can and DO happen. She also wants all of them to realize that you loose self-control when you are drinking and you can't be positive of your actions. I applaud her for taking on this responsibility and for her love of her younger "brothers and sisters" but I'm scared for her at the same time.
Please keep us in your prayers. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a very tough day for us.
Also any suggestions on how to help DD work through this or to encourage her to seek help? She thinks counseling will just add to her stress level. She refuses to even consider these episodes are panic attacks. I can usually predict when she's going to have one - if she and her roommate (still rooming with L) have to actually be in the room together or when she has a big test coming or if she and b/f get in a fight. 90% of the time I can clearly see a stress related link and so can DD but she can't see the link between the start of this and this attack.
The doc thinks that its slightly possible that her ADD meds are causing them and wants to take her off of them but I don't see how she can focus on her classwork w/o it. She and I have agreed to wait until Christmas break to try to reduce her meds and see if that helps any.

(((HUGS)) to you and your DD today - it will probably be a hard one - but maybe telling this story will help her - holding in a big secret can make it worse. And, even though this isn't a secret, she may get some relief from telling it. I applaud her for wanting to talk to younger teens. I think they'll be more open to what she says than if an older adult told them. But, OTOH, prepare her that at least some of the kids still won't take it seriously. Kids this age think it couldn't happen to them, and may look for ways to "blame the victim". I'd hate for your DD to feel attacked as she's trying to tell her story.
PPT today - let us know how it goes.
Sue, mom to Leah and Seth
I applaud your dd for doing what she is doing by talking to these kids. I think it is something more people should do. This has to be very difficult for her, but I think it has the potential to be very healing for her too. I don't know what you can do to convince her that counseling my help her, I agree that it would be a very good thing.
Maybe I am confused as it has been a while, but wasn't it your dd that had the stalker ex-bf who was a real threat, he lived with grandmother, tampered with her car etc. If I am right about this, it is no wonder that she would be having panic attacks. She has been through some real troubles in her young life. There is so much her that is inter-related. Like the fact that an argument with bf might cause one. Don't you think that somewhere in the back of her mind may be the thought of what the other ex-bf did and what if this one does the same to her?
Even though she knows that the ex-bf isn't her fault that she is a victim and this more recent attack wasn't her fault, she was a victim, sometimes when bad thing happen to people they start to think that they are somehow at fault. Even though they know they aren't, something inside makes the FEEL that they are. There is so much that must be going on inside dd that I am really not surprised that she is having panic attack.
I think that roommate needs some help too. Not that you or dd is responsible for that in any way, but I think one day L will realize who P really is and see that your dd wasn't wrong after all. Hopefully it will be soon and they will be able to work it out and be friends again. I fear for L though, if this guy was going to hit her and then did what he did to dd, what kinds of things is he capable of. Why would he not go ahead and hit her the next time he is upset with her.
There is a lot involved here, I don't know how you can get dd to agree to counseling. But in a way maybe her talking to these kids about what happened is her way of dealing with it. When they start asking questions maybe she will have some of her questions answered herself. Hopefully it will all be a healing process for her.
Good luck and let us know how it all works out.
Thanks for your kind words. You are right - dd had the stalker ex-b/f. I hadn't put that together with this assault but I imagine you are right. The latest probably is just more than she can deal with thus the panic attacks.
I was amazed at her courage and strength this morning. Her voice cracked a few times but her best guy friend was sitting beside her and kept his hand on her leg the whole time despite the dirty looks from his g/f. We have one guy in the group that always resorts to humor and he cracked a few appropriate jokes that lightened things a little. He totally understands this situation b/c his older sister went through a similar thing (her b/f attacked her when he had been drinking). He shared a little about that. DD really drove home the point to the kids that you always, always have to have an exit plan - no matter where you are or who you are with b/c things can change in an instant and you don't have time then to figure out what to do. She was very careful not to scare them but she talked in detail about the actual assault, her terror and nightmares in the days following, and the ongoing problems with L and somewhat about the stress that she still feels. All in all, she did an excellent job. It did shake her more than I think she realized it would though. She was a little nervous when it came to leave to go back to college this afternoon. She finally admitted that it bothers her to be in her b/f's apt if this guy is home - until now she kept saying she just ignored him. I think admitting that is a real good step.
Thanks for all the good thoughts. I appreciate it!
Lia