DD in trouble again WWYD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
DD in trouble again WWYD
11
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:58am

I have a DD who is 14 and due to us not getting along very well years ago she went and moved in with her dad. Everything was good, for awhile, till she started getting very depressed. We got over that and got her back on track, doing great in school. My main problem is I think her dad is too hard on her. Here's the problem

Dad called last night she was bawling in the backround. He said she ran the cell phone bill up to $300 by sending/recieving over 1000 textmessages. I did try to explain if her friends text message her she will be charged. Basically he said he took away: cell phone, computer usage, and said no to a concert she was going to this weekend.

I feel he went overboard with his punishment. I'm also to the point of asking her again if she wants to move back in with me and my boyfriend. They get along great, and her and I have nice weekends together.

What do you all think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 8:22am

Don't second guess dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 9:41am
Listen to Rose!
jt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 9:52am

If she is old enough to have a cell, she is old enough to understand the consequences of over use

Chances are this was not the first time and there had been ample warning

BTDT with my son

For dads sake, you might want to mention that there are text message packs available where she can text for a flat fee without the 10 cent per text charge

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 10:17am

and yes, it is very VERY possible for there to be 1000 texts in a month. The first month we gave our DS unlimited text, between incoming and outgoing there were over 2700 in a month. This is how they communicate. It is crazy. It is $10 for unlimited texting. Unless your cell company will allow you to completely disable the text message feature (it is my understanding that some will and some won't) then it is worth the 10 bucks. Take it out of her allowance or household money, but a $300 phone bill at my house would be something we absolutely a budget breaker. The $10 is much easier to handle.

As far as the punishment, my DH and I disagree on severity of punishment. I personally think the punishment should fit the crime---no more cell til she pays the $300. Natural consequences to an adverse action..........BUT since dad has already set forth the punishment, you can't step in now and side with the daughter. That is nothing but a recipe for trouble.

Good luck----hope this all cools down over time.

Shels

P.s. I just checked our cell info online and since the 10th, he's made or received 325 text messages. Just an eye opener to all who think their kids won't text much. We didn't think so either..........I'm glad we got the unlimited texting before we had more than 10 or so stray texts..........good luck!!




Edited 2/15/2006 10:28 am ET by shels2003
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:24am

DD and I just had this discussion again last night.
I have text messaging disabled on her cell phone.
I'm paying a large monthly fee for three phones and ample minutes.
I once again had to re-visit that her cell phone is a family tool, not a teen toy...
Of course, I had to hear that she is the ONLY one that cannot text.
Heavy sigh...Eye roll....Shake of the head.....
(Gee whiz... If dad was any stupider, he'd probably not be capable of breathing...)

I think it would be a huge mistake to side with your DD on this.
I don't think the punishment seems out of line, but that's beside the point.
Regardless of how you feel about the consequences he's doled out, you and ex need to be together on this. If not, DD's going to play you like a violin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:30am

I think this is an important lessons for teens to learn, too. I am guilty of texting my DD after school when she is supposed to be in the library doing homework. (Notice the use of the words 'supposed to'!). So far, we don't seem to have gone over any limits.

Last week I found her sitting on the edge of her bed texting a friend. It was not late in the evening. I suggested she just 'call' the friend instead of wasting $$ on the texting. She said "oh, H just got her new phone and she's just trying it out." ???

I guess it's all part of the fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:36am

At my house, the cell minutes have gone WAY down, and the texting WAY up........I think it is the preferred form of communication......it is crazy. AH, I complain, yet don't stop it...............

Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:16pm

in addition to the thoughts raised by the others, i wanted to add one more:


if your dd is going to "run away" every time things don't go her way, then she is never going to learn to handle ANYTHING in her life. she is always going to think that she can just run away. and yes, there are times that she may have to do just that: get out of a bad relationship, switch room-mates, change jobs, change majors in college. and then again, there are times that she will have to learn to compromise, make adjustments, negotiate. by you bailing her out - and offering her to move back - you are taking away a good opportunity for her to learn some important lessons.


Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:59pm

I agree with everything already said. I'm guessing dad spoke out of anger when he even took away the concert, but maybe, just maybe, he'd already thought that through. Back him, even if you think he's wrong. Have a quiet conversation in private if you want to discuss it with him, but under no circumstances undermine his authority in this.

As for the texting, my DS uses his constantly and I do mean constantly. I hate borrowing his phone because it chimes with every message and there is a message all the time! But, we have a tiny local service for him in which he has unlimited minutes and text messaging and long distance for under $50 a month, and he pays for all of it.

After this all blows over, look into a package that will allow her unlimited text messaging. After it blows over, ask her if she want to live with you. AFTER this whole thing is resolved and time passes, but if you do anything before that, you'll teach her she can have her own way, she can play mom and dad against each other easily, she can run from her mistakes, she doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions. anything you do has to be unrelated to this circumstance. You weren't interested in her living with you until things didn't go her way and you percieved her as being hurt. She's not being hurt and in the end, she'll even be better for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 2:55pm
As others point out, the punishment needs to correlate and fit to whatever rule may be broken.
In this case, it follows that the cell phone be taken away for a period of time. Taking away the computer doesn't really seem to fit with anything, but the concert makes more sense to me.
These concert tickets can run quite a bit of money. If I were in his shoes, I'd be pretty miffed about shelling out for a good time at a concert with DD apparently oblivious to the costs she just ran up.
Just another couple cents......

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