DD trouble making social plans
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| Tue, 06-26-2007 - 8:02pm |
I'm sitting here at 7:20 PM. My daughter got off work at 1 PM, then worked out at the gym, then went over to a girlfriend's house for a few hours. While there she texted me to let me know that 'all the girls' had gotten together last night to watch a movie, and she wasn't invited. That's not really true....she was invited, but she insists that's only because she called one of the girls. Now this evening, she had talked to several of her friends earlier around 4:30 or 5. Now she can't get in touch with ANY of them. They either don't pick up their phones, don't answer text messages, etc. My daughter feels like she has a black cloud over her head. I'm trying very hard to be objective about this, but sometimes I wonder if it is DD, or is this just the way of teenaged plans? Her bf is out putting in applications for jobs w/his best friend and she could go with them, but doesn't really want to. (That's a whole other story!) So here she sits, all ready to do something, but no plans. I just wonder if other girls in particular, but boys too, go through this often? My DD has had a very very rough two weeks with her bf, and her friends and so her self-esteem is low right now anyway. This doesn't help.
Thanks, Nancy

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It's tough to see our kids struggle. Here are a couple of ideas
- have your DD make the plans - maybe somewhere you can take them too? - or invite them over.
- help your DD see that this is likely a "bump in the road" - this may blow over. My DD often gets out of sorts with her friends at the end of the school year - and then seeing them less over the summer helps them re-bond in Sept
Talk with your DD and see if you can figure out what's going on and help her sort it out. Being a sounding board may help her figure out what she can do - and may give you insight.
Sue
This is not at all uncommon, and I think the reason why my dd15 is starting to hang out with guy friends more. They are usually in a group, but sometimes she's the only girl!
I agree. My dd has also found several satisfying friendships with guys. Some of her other friends have really let her down.
DD often instigates outings more, now, and even if only one or two girls participate, she has a good time.
My DD has always been happier when her social life involved more guys than girls - guys just don't do all the drama the way girls do.
My son has dry weeks where he can't get in touch with anyone, then we have weeks where the phone is ringing off the hook or ds has to turn someone down due to other plans.
It think it comes in waves. At least it does for him. He's 13 though so I'm sure it's different with older teens.
stacy
Hey-it's just me again after reading down to this post.
My daughter TOO has gone through the same thing this senior summer.
Her story, and it may be yours too, is that since she and her boyfriend of one year broke up in March she has been going out with still on occasion...they'll "hang out" one or two nights and then nothing maybe for a few weeks. But, her girlfriends, "punish" her for those nights she hangs out with the ex...go figure. They feel, since they have to listen to all the whining from her about him, that when she does make plans to spend an evening with him, that she is "using" them (the girlfriends) to vent to and socialize with when he's not around. So, they will exclude her from all the plans, not answer her texts, and not only one girl, all the girls (about 5) in her circle of friends. How sad, I tell her, that they feel this way; that you can't have a "male" friend and their friendship together.
Does your daughter work? I have told my daughter, and she has, when her close knit group of friends shun her to go to Plan B and include herself in another group of friends she sometimes hangs with or she has made friends from work who, for the most part, do not go to her school.
Does your daughter seem to know why she's being excluded..do the other girls ever give her a reason for excluding her?
I feel for you and her..what a terrible summer..and the girlfriends and bf all at once..hopefully college life will open up a whole new door for her and she won't look back.
Both of you keep your chins up!
HI kja,
Thanks for the nice response. Yeah, it's unfortunate that my DD has to deal with both girlfriend issues, and the bf issue at the same time. Earlier in the year, the group of girls she had been a part of started to exclude her. That was in late winter. I think that was mostly because she was so often with bf, and they don't have boyfriends. They have sort of reinvented themselves into 'party' girls and are relishing that role. My DD does not see herself that way and so for the most part, does not take part. She moved on to some other girls and sees them occasionally, but they are more social friends to do things with. That's not a bad thing. She has two good friends....tried and true, but one works a lot, and the other one goes missing when her boyfriend is around. My DD does work PT, but that's in the mornings. I've suggested she find another small PT job to work a few evenings or maybe weekend hours. So far she doesn't want to do that, although she did agree it was a good idea. DD's bf is very outgoing and a really nice, fun guy (as well as very goodlooking)and since he's decided that he wants to have fun all the time, he is a real magnet for girls. This is upsetting to DD as you can imagine. He still treats her quite nicely when he's with her, but does not spend as much time with her. Last night, and today listening to DD making plans was almost funny. They go through 15 different versions of 'the plans of the evening' before they actually can decide what to do, where to go, and with whom. It makes me dizzy!! I've come to realize that some of the difficulty lies with the fact that DD doesn't know how to schedule time realistically sometimes, nor does she know how to effectively say "I don't want to do that", etc.
It's definitely a learning process, and I know that she will get better at it with time.
Nancy
Both my dds' have gone through dry spells where it seems everyone else is busy but them.
This past two weeks have been especially difficult for my 17dd, as school has ended and since she went to a school outside our district, it is already difficult for her to plan get togethers, they have all either gone away or are back to hanging with thier local pals.
She has basically been calling and calling and trying make plans, but no one is available...she's been sitting home and hanging out with me and H nonstop - and her her best friend also, but no one else. And even her best friend has been going out with other friends, now that she has her license and school has ended. While H and I, of course, do not mind being with her, I'm sure it's boring for her! I'm fairly certain that this has played a role in her recent depression and it pains me to see it unfold. I'm hoping that once she gets a new job and life takes off for her, she will expand her friendship pool.
When my 19dd went through times like this she used the oppotunity to spend time taking care of herself, painting her nails, renting favorite movies, organizing her stuff, and occasionally catching ONE friend for breakfast out. It wasn't much but those small routine things helped her get through it. I also found myself spending Saturdays or Sundays at the mall window shopping!
I hope things turn around for your dd.
When this happens to my dd, I remind her that while it *seems* like everyone else is having a great time without her, alot of times they are just busy with other very non-glamourous things. There are family events, vacation plans, work commitments, and sometimes its just people being too tired or lazy to make any plans. And when there are kids going out among her crowd when she isn't, it often isn't just her who isn't going along. There's quite normally a few other kids missing as well.
My DD has this propensity to think that if she plans something and one or two of the girls can't be there for some reason, that she must give up the plan for fear of upsetting the other girls. But I just tell her that as long as they are all invited, if they all can't make it then the rest should feel okay about continuing on without them. The other thing that happens alot is that they will just assume some girls can't make it. There is one who works and they will assume she's busy. There's another whose parents are very strict and they will assume she won't be allowed. I think sometimes her friends assume she isn't available either for one reason or another.
Also they aren't always the most considerate and thoughtful or well-organized at this age. My dd just got a call today from her friends to join them at an amusement park tomorrow. They had been planning this for days and called her today asking if she'd made up her mind to come. They hadn't even asked her yet -- but because they had been talking among each other they just thought someone in the group MUST have told her.
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