DD venting
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| Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:13am |
I'm having a really hard time dealing with my DD's need to grumble/vent at me. I understand the reason for venting - heck I do it sometimes too - but it's so draining to hear every day how her teachers are mean/unfair, she hates softball, her friends are driving her nuts, she has too much work, she never sees her boyfriend........you get the picture.
She doesn't vent the same way to DH. His personality allows alot less room for this - and he just ignores it when she does. So, he thinks it's not a big deal - just her grumbling - he almost laughs it off. I feel like it's not taking her problems seriously if we just laugh it off. He thinks I'm oversensitive.
The current bone of contention is Softball - it's a very time consuming (4-5 days a week) and because DD is a new-er member of the team, she NEVER gets to play - she goes to practice and sits on the bench at games. Not a day goes by that she doesn't complain about this.
I am not a fan of HS sports - I did not have a good experience related to HS athletes and coaches when I was in HS - so I've had to work hard to support DD in softball. I thought she did it because she wanted to, but when she's in vent mode she blames either her dad ("why did I let Dad talk me into this?") or college applications (you need alot of extracurriculars to get into college). DH says there's a benefit to the experience for her, but I'm hard pressed to see it. Last night he kept trying to convince me that it was worthwhile for her - I finally said "I understand what you're saying, but I just disagree. We'll have to agree to disagree."
I don't know how to handle it when she complains about her coach. My gut reaction is to say "fine with me if you quit softball. it's not worth it". Problem is a) I don't think that's what she wants and b) my DH would be furious with me if I did that.
Thanks if you got this far - I guess this was MY venting place! LOL Any input on HS sports and/or supporting your teen if you don't agree with or like their choice? Or on responding to and being less affected by the venting??
Sue

Oh, I could write on novel on the sports thing!
I guess I would come up with a standard line to the effect of her being committed for this year but, YOU will support her in whatever choice she makes next year. And be sure DH is aware of your decision
I dont know if colleges care one bit about JV type participation; I really dont. I suspect it takes more of the "made varsity her freshman year and started 23 of 25 games"
Which means any grief or missed vacations you endure will be for nothing
JMHO; I have a pretty negative opinion about our sports experiences with the boys yet DH saw them as the highlight of parenting
Sue ... {{{{hugs}}} to you today! I know I 'still' vent an awful lot to my mom, and almost never do to dad, so this may be just one of those special things that moms and daughters share. I know, not so helpful, eh? C is just the opposite -- rarely vents anything, she keeps most everything internal and close to the chest and it's only when she has a major melt down that I really know she's been pushed close to her limits. I can and DO suspect when this is happening, but she's not one to just let it all out. I dunno, it might be healthier if she did.
It sounds as if L is under a lot of stress and doesn't see an end or reprieve in sight. Maybe just reminding her that it's not long now before the school year is over. I also think I might ask "I don't know, why DID you let dad talk you into playing softball?" might help her to realize that it was something she agreed to herself -- in other words, she wasn't forced onto the team. To me, it sounds like she has plenty of extra-curricular activities to include on her college apps and you can remind her that it may not be necessary for her to try out for the team again next year.
C has shown no interest in hs sports and quite frankly, she is not very athletically inclined anyway so I don't have any btdt advice about how to handle L's complaints about her coach, just that I'm pretty sure there are many, many other athletes in her shoes!
For you, I guess I would just keep being her sounding board but try not to take much to heart. Last night, C was rather nasty to me because she is still under a great deal of stress with school (she even locked me out of her room!) but this morning, she seemed perfectly fine. Sometimes it seems best to try and not let our teens get the 'best' of us.
Hang in there!
Julie
We've had both good and bad experiences with hs sports and coaches. Both of my boys love sports and are/were very involved in football, basketball, track, and baseball. Older ds didn't vent so much, but younger ds vents more so.
I've always told the boys that they need to stick it out thru the season. They committed themselves and they need to follow thru...no quitting in the middle of the season. Once the season is over, they can sit down and evaluate everything and decide from there. My older did decide to leave basketball after his Freshman year, and then stopped track after his Soph year. When they would vent about playing time, I would just remind them that there was mostly always someone ahead of them in years or ability etc and that their turn would eventually come. It's called paying your dues. When, for no known reason, my ds2's playing time in football was suddenly cut WAY back (from playing the entire game on both sides of the ball to playing *maybe* a quarter on defense only) I pushed him to stand tall on the sidelines and cheer on his teammates. I took my place in the stands and cheered them on also. And after the game would tell ds2 how proud I was of him and his demeanor on the sidelines. I told him coaches look at that sort of thing. If he decided to play next year, the coaches would remember his demeanor, his dedication, and his sportsmanship. And, should he decide to NOT play the next year, then he and I would remember his demanor, his dedication and his sportsmanship. These are things that will help you in life for years to come. Of course, it's so hard for a teen to swallow all that (and actually believe it) but they will just have to trust that it does. When they would vent, I would just say things that acknowledged their feelings, without trying to dis the coaches--not always easy, I assure you!! :) Just lots of "I'm sorry", "I know you are so disappointed" etc.
And as far as being affected by their venting...I don't know that I could make myself be less affected, I just called one of my friends or the boys' stepmom on the phone and then vented to them! LOL