DD Would Like Advice ...
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| Wed, 01-10-2007 - 12:14pm |
... from moms other than me.
Some of you may remember my post from 2-3 months ago about her 16yo friend with the super-strict parents. At the time, friend was not going to be allowed to go to either the Homecoming game or Homecoming dance because 'teenage pregnancy is on the rise, especially in California". We happen to live in California and DD's friend sat home on Homecoming night, as she does every night of her life -- unless she goes out with her parents somewhere. She is not allowed to IM or go live on her PC because 'chats can be intercepted', so friend is only allowed e-mail.
Things have not gotten any better for friend. She was not allowed to go with us to the Haunted Hayride (even though I was going to be there), any football game, dance, or party -- not even the 100% chaperoned all-girl Sweet 16 ice-skating party last month. In other words, friend does NOTHING out side of school and a VERY few school-related activities. Mom accompanies friend and participates in those few activities friend is allowed -- she sat in the theater a few rows back at "Pirates II" over the summer when a group got together to see it, painted the women's shelter right along with her for community service, ... well, you get the picture.
The latest is that friend got into serious trouble when she tried to plead her case about attending dances -- and was threatened with homeschooling if she brings it up again. Dad says dances are just an 'excuse for kids to get together to do drugs and have sex', and that friend didn't 'know what she was talking about' when friend said 'NO, it's not! We just want to hang out with our friends and dance'. Dad then tells friend that her 'friends don't care about you, I DO.' Needless to say, this is one sad and unhappy 16yo girl.
DD is outraged by what she perceives as a serious injustice against her friend -- and also feels insulted by dad's insinuation that she, as this girls friend, does not care about her. DD thinks she will be able to convince friends' parents to give friend more freedom, or would at least like to try. When friend was not allowed to go on the Haunted Hayride, I called mom and didn't reach her so left a message asking her if she would please reconsider her decision and let her DD go with us, that I would be there ... etc. I also apologized for stepping out of line, and explained that my DD was really hoping her DD could go. Mom never called me back. That alone says it all to me.
I told DD that her friend was not being abused or neglected and there wasn't much I could do about somebody's else child, that friends parents' obviously feel they are acting in the best interest of their DD, but imo, they aren't doing her any favors and that is ultimately going to backfire on them. BUT, not my place to try and change that. I happen to feel it is a shame friends' parents don't trust her when they haven't even given her the opportunity to show that she really can be trusted but again, nothing I can do about that.
Anyway, DD would like some thoughts, opinions and/or advice from other parents. DD is very close this girl and while she offers her as much support as she possibly can, she feels like she should be doing more.
Anybody have any thoughts that are different from mine?
TIA,
Julie
Edited to add:
In the meantime, I told DD that she probably is better off not even asking this friend to do anything, since the answer will most like be 'no' and then she wouldn't be disappointed.
Edited 1/10/2007 12:17 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

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Well, this is a really sad situation and not much you can do, except keep asking the girl to go to things that might seem "safe" to her parents, like things involving other parents supervising. The only other thing I could think of is if there is a guidance counsellor or favorite teacher at the school who might intervene on the girl's side. Obviously the parents must think highly of the school to send her there, so maybe if the teacher "suggested" an activity or pointed out that the dance was chaperoned, etc. I still know the answer is going to be no cause the parents are so unreasonable that they don't even want their DD to have friends, since she can't even invite kids to her own house.
My DSD (16) has a friend who is kind of like that. She is allowed to have friends and her mother let her have a New Year's Eve party (of course mom was there) but you never know when she will let the girl out of the house. It's only the 2 of them so maybe that's why she's over-protective. We couldn't believe it when she actually let the girl & DSD go to the mall for some Christmas shopping. I think she feels that her DD will be a victim of crime at our suburban mall. She would have had a fit if she had known that her DD was carrying about $150 in her purse! Of course, I have been letting my DD go to the mall w/ her friends since about 8th grade since I haven't seen or heard of any problems there. I must be really nuts since I let my DD go on the subway to Boston w/ her friends and come home after dark! This mom also is very reluctant to let her DD go to the movies, although she will once in a while. Since they don't have their driver's licenses yet, parents will have to drop them off & pick them up, so they are only alone for those 2 hours. Again, I haven't heard of anything bad happeneing to any kid in the local movie theater. Even in the dark ages when I was a teen and I thought I had pretty strict parents, I was allowed to go on the bus downtown, to the mall and go to the movies and go to school dances, etc. The funny part was that my high school, although academically very good, was in a "bad" section of the city, so that we could come out of school and find drunks or whatever.
I'm sure these parents will throw a fit if their DD decides she wants to go away to college too. If she's lucky, she will be "allowed" to go to a local college and they will still be trying to control her life after she's 18. Depending on her personality, she'll either leave home at 18 and not want anything to do w/ them, or she'll be too scared and continue to live under their thumb until she gets married, probably to an oppressive husband too. The thing is that if she does leave home, she'll be totally unprepared to protect herself from the world. Even though my DD can be annoying when she argues w/ me (which isn't often), the one good thing is that I think it's good for her to learn to stand up for herself. It will come in handy later w/ bosses, men, etc. My DH is more strict w/ his DD and she's not really comfortable in speaking up to him and I just think that if someone tried to take advantage of her (and I don't just mean sexually), she won't know what to do.
I would just encourage your DD to continue to be a good friend to this girl, even if she can only do it at school because the friend will certainly need someone to vent to. It must be just so sad for this girl to hear her friends talking about all the fun they are having and not being able to join in. In later years, so she can look back and be proud of her grades but that's not all there is to life. I just thought of something--do these parents realize that they are putting their DD at a disadvantage by not letting her do anything but go to school? Because my DD just finished college apps, and they don't just want a kid who studies 100% of the time, even if they are at the top of the class. They want people who are well rounded. My DD had to include a "resume" of her activities, jobs, etc. even for the state univ., so is this girl's just going to have a lot of blank spaces? Maybe that could be used as a reason for her to get involved in some school club, if someone points out to the parents that it will hurt her chance of getting into college. It's worth a try.
I'm surprised no one else thought of this angle - I think it makes a lot of sense!
I am sorry to intrude on your board. I am a lurker as I just had my first child and am looking forward through your board. But I felt the need to respond to this.
A few year ago I was that girl. I was not allowed half the things the girl is allowed. No e-mail at all, phone at all, school activities at all. Everywhere I went was with my mom and/or dad. No music that was not approved no nothing. My life was chores and school. I am not that much older now but I have to warn your daughter to not push this. Please, if her situation is as much like mine as it seems; it will only cause her friend more trouble. Trust me the girl will probably not tell your DD all that happens when the doors close as it is embarrassing to be on lock down.
I am not a pro. and I am so sorry to intrude but just in case the girl is in the same situation I was in I could not let this pass and live with myself.
Sorry so much for the intrusion on your board and I will swiftly go back into lurking.
Maggie
No need to apologize. You're welcome to post here anytime you want.
Sounds like your childhood was miserable.... sorry.
zz
Please don't apologize. This is what these boards are for and getting experience and advice from someone who has btdt is always welcome. DD was very frustrated last week but mostly for her friend, who sends her these late night e-mails that are heartwrenching to read (DD shares them with me sometimes). On the night before I posted this particular thread, DD felt so badly for her friend and said "do you think any of the ladies on your iVillage board will have any other advice?" so mostly to see if I was missing something in this regard, put a shout out.
I think DD has now accepted the fact that she will just have to enjoy this girls' friendship at school and at the few school/study related activities she will be able to participate in.
I'm sorry you had a tough time growing up and hope you are in a happier place now.
Thanks for your advice; it will certainly be taken seriously!
As a teen my parents were similarly strict and unfortunately nothing any other parent or teen or even family member could say would change a thing about it. I too was not allowed to go to school dances, movies with my friends or even quite frankly participate in after school activities. I was to go to school, come home, study, do chores and that's it.
Unfortunately it did nothing for me but make me rebellious and inspire me to jump at the first guy who paid any attention to me resulting in marriage at a relatively young age. It didn't stop me from smoking, drinking, trying marijuana, participating in as much almost-sexual and sexual activity as I could manage under those conditions...you get the picture. My parents never knew a thing I was up to. I was just their perfect little girl.
If I could speak to all parents who treat their kids this way I would warn them of this risk ie that teens, like any humans, who are oppressed will sometimes work very hard to defy their oppressors.
As far as your DD is concerned here's what I will say -- this girl can still be a good friend but she is very likely going to continue to be a daytime/school friend for quite some time. Your dd should still always extend the invitation because you never know when the reins may loosen a little but don't be surprised if the answer is primarily "no".
The other thing I would strongly recommend is that your DD NOT get herself caught up in any act of sneaking around or rebellion. I remember some of that in my teen years and now, looking back, I shudder at the risks I took. And your dd, having an open relationship with you, doesn't need to sneak around so she shouldn't do so with this girl. You, as a parent, should also always ensure you aren't inadvertently involved in any such scheme. Knowing how her parents feel if she suddenly becomes "free" but with all sorts of conditions, check with them first because you never know...
Hi. I read alot of the replies made to your post, but may have missed this angle.
How much time is your DD allowed to spend with this girl? That's what I wonder. If it were my daughter, I would encourage her to spend time with the girls family. Not necessarily with the hope or intention to persuade her parents for outside activities. But if the girl truly isn't allowed contact outside school and home, wouldn't it be great to have a friend to hang out with!
Just a thought. :) I agree with alot of parents, that controlling with such a tight reign only encourages rebellion. Maybe it will be a great asset to the girl, though.
Good luck! :) Vanessa
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