DD16's BF turned bad-WWYD?
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:02pm |
Okay, dd16 and her 16bf have been going out for almost a year. They genuinely care for one another, but the BF has been showing some severe signs of possessiveness and bossiness lately. He picks on gfg about everything from biting her nails, sleeping too much, who she hangs with, where she goes and nags her about not calling him enough. I should add here that HE calls her an average of 8 times a day some days!! When gfg is nervous or stressed, as she especially has been since we've begun decreasing her med (risperdal), he yells at her to stop it. If he can't be with her, he wants to just hang on the phone, even if they have nothing to talk about - just to listen to each other breathe or something. It's annoying to all of us and we are constantly telling dd to hang up. She does, he calls back a 1/2 hour later. Last night he called at 10:30PM and I told him dd couldn't come to the phone - that it was too late. PIMA.
He had dd so rattled last night that she was smoking and crying and just a mess. She is not stable right now with the med decrease as it is, she doesn't need this PITA driving her nuts. He was mad because I couldn't drive dd over to his house today (I work FT and she had a DR appt today). He told her that if she REALLY wanted to come over his house, she'd find a way. He told her to cancel the appt. She told him she had to go and would call him back, but never did, so he called her later and yelled at her for not calling him back....etc. It just goes on and on.
What I hate is that dd has NO problems telling me and H where to get off, yet she is afraid to yell and BF and her bio dad. Hmmm, similarities there I think. Anyway, she said when she yells back at him or tells him she's angry, he begins to cry and then won't let her hang up the phone. I said, "just tell him, 'I"m hanging up now'" and then do it. Then don't answer the phone. She says she has a hard time being mean to him. I told her she's not being mean, she's creating healthy boundaries for herself - he's being abusive for whatever reasons (she says he doesn't sleep much-ADHD) and that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way or spoken to that way or nagged.
I am at the point now where I think I need to intervene. They are only 16, he's being verbally and emotionally abusive, I don't want dd to have any depression relapses, and I don't think dd can handle this on her own. I would merely explain to him that his behavior is too much for dd to handle and that he's placing too many demands on her and being too critical. I'd tell him that he has to understand that she is on meds that make her tired and he has to try to understand. I'd tell him he can't demand her attention 24/7 and that he must limit his phone calls, etc.
What do you think? Would you intervene? Go to him first or speak with his dad?

Okay, I've been in your shoes and it is so tough. I tried solely to deal with DD and she just didn't get it. I think if I had it to do over again, I would talk with the b/f but I would do it in my DD's presence so she would know what was said - the b/f couldn't say your mom said this or that. In order to do this, you will have to set some ground rules for the conversation - no yelling, no button pushing, no interrupting, etc. You are to say what you have to say and give them each time to say what they need to say.
I might even ask DH and his parents to be present. His parents need to know how he is behaving as well. They also need to hear what is actually said. Kids often times hear things the way they want to hear them and then in the course of repeating it to others it comes out all wrong.
In our case, DD wouldn't stand up to him b/c she hadn't seen me stand up to her dad. I didn't teach her how to do that. Once I began to realize this, I began to actually let her see me stand up to him. I think we are learning together. She's 18 now and is getting better about standing up to b/f but still has a long way to go.
Good Luck!!
My daughter is going through a horrible break up after two years with her b/f. They are older and had planned to live together during college and marry. One day all was fine, next it all blew. He too had ADHD and we always knew he was kinda different sometimes.
All that aside, they are too young. This is only my opinion,but I would get her out of this. Intervening won't do any good, I found that out. I tried to talk to his dad, I believe he did nothing but lie to me because he is behind this breakup. I think he does not want his son this involved and didn't think it would get this far and when it did, he picked at the kid till he had no choice but to break up with her.
This relationship will end, that you can be sure. I would not let her get stressed out and possibly physically ill over this at this age. Protect her, if you can, get her out of it. This is from someone who should have seen this coming with my daughter and I wish someone would have told me.
If this kid has problems, do you really your 16 year old to have to deal with that now. She needs to have fun, enjoy her life. Plenty time for problems later. Her well being is the main concern.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, I do not mean to be. I hope your daughter is well and will come through with flying colors. With your love and guidance, I'm sure she will.
((((hugs)))))
Andie
I'm coming at this a little bit differently....Have you had a *real* heart-to-heart with your dd about how bf is now treating her? As in, how does it make her feel when he does such-and-such? Don't let her get by with simply statements that she cares for him, or he feels blahblahblah. Get her to examine *her* feelings. If she can admit she is not happy with the way things are going, ask her if you want her to intervene. Granted there may not be alot you can do, but you can screen her calls, allow her to tell him she's grounded or whatever so she can't go out or talk on the phone, etc. (yes, it will be a lie, but, hey...ya do whatcha gotta do). My mom, bless her heart, got me out of a few sticky situations by being the pretend bad guy. Someone would call me on the phone and ask me out. "No, you cannot go out with him/her because you...didn't finish your chores" (all the while, as I was asking her if I could go out, I would be furiously shaking my head 'no' and she would take it from there! It was a life-saver sometimes.) Anyway, perhaps that might be a way to limit her contact with him, but she will probably need to agree to it first.
Oh, and a thought occurred to me...He's 16. I doubt very seriously that anything you say would make a difference to him. Not that he doesn't care about your dd, but he's 16. The world still revolves around "him" (as it does with most teenagers). And I don't think talking to the dad would help, unless y'all are very close friends. And even then, you would need to be prepared to lose the friendship over this. *Some* parents get down-right nasty if you critize their child in *any* way. And sometimes you don't know who that is until you *do* say something to them. hey--btdt.
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}} to both you and your dd. I hope you and your dd find your way thru this.
>>>you had a *real* heart-to-heart with your dd about how bf is now treating her? As in, how does it make her feel when he does such-and-such>>>
Yes, we sat on the patio until about midnight last night talking this over. She very much has examined her feelings about this and has conveyed them to me. I asked her if I could call him and she said yes, but she was afraid that then he'd only get all pissy with her. I assured her I'd be very diplomatic and I was. I just hung up with dd and told her everything I said and how I said it so there would be no misconceptions. I also assured her that I would NEVER meddle unless I felt it was my motherly duty, which I do at this point.
>>>He's 16. I doubt very seriously that anything you say would make a difference to him. Not that he doesn't care about your dd, but he's 16. The world still revolves around "him" (as it does with most teenagers)>>>
I totally see your point and I feel the same way. But my reasoning is that this is pretty much considered 'fair warning'. If he starts his crap again, then I will simply make it extremely difficult for them to be together....he lives over 15 miles away and niether dd nor bf drive - they rely on (us) the parents for rides.
>>>I don't think talking to the dad would help, unless y'all are very close friends. And even then, you would need to be prepared to lose the friendship over this. *Some* parents get down-right nasty if you critize their child in *any* way. And sometimes you don't know who that is until you *do* say something to them>>>
Yeah, well, we're not friendly, just kind of make small talk when we see them. I don't think the parents would become nasty, however, the one time I mentioned something to the dad in passing (about something unrelated) to the dad, the BF was grounded for a week! So, I hesitate to talk to the dad; I'd rather try and work it out with the bf first. Also, when I spoke with dd about her feelings, she said at one point, "I'm afraid he'll get mad", which to me SCREAMS emotional abuse and low confidence on her part and that needs to be addressed. You know, with my older dd, we did a lot of talking about her issues with her bf, but she was the one who addressed them with bf - she is older, more mature and more in control of her emotions. The 16dd has a slight mood disorder and doesn't always guage her own emotions correctly, so we're in different waters here.
Thanks again!
the saga continues.... I'm glad you did talk to bf. Hopefully, he'll have listened to you and do what he has to do to mend this relationship. It will be good relationship building for both of them to use in the future. I do believe this boy is probably abused himself, so he's just doing what he's learned. All you can do is protect your own and try to teach him some different ways of coping with his stuff.
But, I also wanted to throw in my own personal experience. I dated an abuser when I was 15-16. He was great for the first year, but by the end of that year, he wanted to completely monopolize me, even over my own family. On Christmas, my parents had some out of town guests (with kids my age that I practically grew up with!) My parents made it very clear that I could talk with him on the phone for limited time while we had company, but I wasn't going to see him, so he and I needed to plan to do our Christmas thing before Christmas or after New Years. And we did, before Christmas, the day before the guests came. He wasn't pleased to not be able to see me or talk to me much, although we never talked about anything important, just the average teen phone calls.
So, Christmas day, in the evening, an old boyfriend called me. He'd been in the service and was home for a few days and asked if he could see me. My parents agreed that it would be fine, I had to take the guest with me, but she was excited to go anyway, I'd told her about this interesting guy a long time before that and she was curious to meet him. Needless to say, bf called while I was gone and my parents told him exactly where I was. Can you imagine how pissed he was to know HE couldn't see me on Christmas, but when he called was told "oh, she's at Tyler's." O, he was pissed.
The next time I saw him, he said we were gonna just drive around. This guy had previously raised a hand to hit me, although he never had. And he loved to call me wench, because he knew it really, really bothered me. So, we drove around, a little more erratic than I'd have preferred. He finally pulled over at this really strange spot in the road where the freeway has on and off ramps, it's also a busy interchange for Main street, but there is a business there, so he pulled over there. He told me then that he expected me to ASK his permission to go anywhere, whether my parents said it was ok or not. And I was to be sure he knew where I was going, who I was going to be with, how long I'd be gone and what I was going to be doing, then follow up with all the details. He said that if I didn't like it, I could just get out. This was on the side of a really busy road, he never dreamed I'd dare get out. I told him that I didn't agree with any of that and that I had to get out. And I did, and timed it just right that I was able to run across the road without getting hit, but his car was in such a place that he couldn't turn right around and catch me, he had to go up an intersection to turn around. By then, I'd ran a little over a mile, up hill and was hiding behind the counter in a gas station! I saw him pull in, I asked the cashier guy to let me hide from him, that he was trying to hurt me. He kept an eye out for me and told me when he left. Then, I called Tyler to come and get me out of there. BF saw Tyler pick me up. BF had figured I couldn't have gotten very far, but he had driven all the way to my parents house and asked if I was there, so my parents were all freaked out and driving around looking for me, too (no cell phones). I had Tyler take me to my best friends house. Bf had gone and grabbed his 3 best friends to help hunt me down (and I think they only agreed so they could protect me, this guy was pissed) I seriously felt like I was running for my life. My best friend called my parents when I showed up at her house, I hid in the bathroom. My parents got there just after bf got there. He knocked on the door and as soon as the door was opened, he shoved through it, stormed around the house searching for me. When he found me, he demanded that I go with him. I refused, so he just picked me up and started carrying me out of the house. I managed to grab the front door with my foot and keep half my body inside and half outside. I was screaming and begging for anyone to help me. His friends were out side yelling at him to put me down and leave me alone, my parents were just coming up the walk and my mom was completely freaking out (I'm sure my dad was about to kill him!) Finally, what was probably seconds, since I was frozen in time, but felt like hours, Tyler pulled on me just a little and pushed on the door, just barely, he was afraid to hurt me (Ironic, huh) and some how, by the grace of God, pulled me into the house and slammed the door, my best friend was right there locking it as it slammed.
Now, BF was outside with my parents and his friends and was even more pissed, screaming at everyone. Somehow, they got him in a car and got him out of there. Tyler took me home just a few minutes later. My parents were relieved that nothing worse happened. BF called all through the night, had to take the phone off the hook. I missed a few days of school to just avoid him (and was scared to death to go back to school!) BF called constantly and when my mom wouldn't put me on the phone, he came over. He brought roses and candy and jewelery, she watched him walk down the driveway, but she refused to open the door for him and told him he could leave whatever he wanted on the porch and she'd get it after he left. He beat the flowers against the house, then left them and the candy for me. I threw the candy and the flowers away. My poor mom was scared to death. This guy was huge, weight lifter kind of guy. I weighed 97 pounds on a fat day!
My parents had no idea leading up to this what was going on. I don't think I even realized where it was going. But I sure was glad to be able to "hide behind mom's skirts" when it got to this point.
I suppose what I'm saying in all this is that it's a good thing that you already know what is going on. You know this relationship with your dd and her bf is headed in a bad direction. Thankfully, you've given him the warning, now, as soon as he over steps the clearly drawn boundries, you MUST stop this from going any further, or you dd will probably become very hurt, if not completely injured.
I'm all about mommy instinct. We get it from the very beginning "wondering" if we are pregnant, when we know we are, and it just gets better as they get older. Totally trust your mommy instinct, it will never lead you astray!
I know my story is freaky (and long, sorry) but I also know how lucky I got that night. Who knows what would have happened if he'd have gotten me out the door that night, or found me hiding in that gas station. Or worse, if my dad had arrived a few minutes sooner and really seen everything (he probably would have killed him!) There was nothing in the world my parents could have done to prevent this from happening, and really nothing I could have done. I didn't see it coming, and even looking back, I don't know that there were signs that it would go this way. After the fact, of course, when I ran into him in the college library a couple of years later, it became very clear to me that he was still hurting over it. He was snotty and nasty to me, and tried to talk himself up big. I just excused myself and backed away and I've never, ever seen him since.
It's funny, I never really think about this one really scary night... until I read your post. I don't think I've ever talked about it on these boards anywhere before, either, but it just seemed worth telling.
I think you are on the right track, 100%!