DD's BF's Parents Cruel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2007
DD's BF's Parents Cruel?
26
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 1:03am

Ok, I need some serious help.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 7:37am

I always tell my DD that you don't know what happens in other people's families - things could be better or worse than we think. It sounds like a lot of what you know is through hearsay - gossip - which we know can be inaccurate at times.

I tried to read this from the perspective of the other parents. I don't know that I would be all that happy about my child spending the whole weekend away with a family I don't know well, with no phone check-ins until 6pm on the second day. I know that you think they should have called you (and maybe they should have), but you could have just as easily called them and said "we're on our way back to town - I'll be sure to have him home before 8pm" or something on that order. Personally, I'd be most annoyed at not knowing when he'd be home, and FWIW wondering about homework. You said they were aware, but how did they know? Did you talk to them directly, or pass messages through a teenager? They may or may not have gotten the full and correct message if their son was the only way to find out. I don't think you can ask them to unground him - that *is* overstepping. You could, though, apologize for any misunderstanding, and take the heat off of him a little.

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 7:45am
Sue makes a good point, that you don't know exactly what the situation is in his home, or what he might have told his parents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 7:54am

Wow, there seems to be a lot of stuff going on in that family...at this point all you can do is continue to be a positive influence. As for boundaries...I would not suggest they *un-ground* him..that can have consequences. I would probably tho, if it were me and I felt I had to do some-thing, call and apologize for any misunderstanding, thank them for allowing him to spend your birthday weekend with your family and point out what a good kid he is. IOW, kill 'em with kindness. Be aware tho, that if you call them, you may find out things that the kids didn't tell you.


From just reading what's on the surface here, it sounds like Mom is afraid of Dad...


If it's any comfort to your DD, point out the the bf is almost 18, he's made it this far and seems to be strong and well-adjusted. My DD will be 15 next week. I wouldn't and can't do that kind of driving for her or a relationship. Her current *boyfriend* lives about 10 miles away....they only see each other if the driving chores are shared by both families. Proceed with baby steps, for everyone's own good.


As usual, JMHO and thoughts....

 

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 7:54am

I agree with the others. You might want to call the parents and just apologize for the misunderstanding and tell them that in the future you will talk to them directly so there won't be any misunderstanding about when and where he will be etc.


I feel that anything more than that would be really over the boundries. As hard as it is, and as much as we want to help, we really need to stand back and let our kids work out their own relationships, as well as letting their friends work out theirs. Unless of course we know of some certain abuse that would be reportable. So step back, take a deep breath, calm down and try not to be as involved.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 9:40am

My first reaction was, "Gee, bf's parents surely are weird." But even then I would not recommend calling them and encouraging them to unground him.

After reading others' posts, I thought:

For you, because your DD is so open with you, it's a lot easier for you to trust her and bf. If the bf is NOT open with his parents (like our DS18) then the parents behavior might be more understandable.

Many parents would be skeptical of an inet relationship. I have no daughters, but I'd freak out if a 15 yo girl from another city wanted to start seeing my 17 yo son. His parents might have questioned the whole idea of a long-distance relationship with a younger girl, like I would.

I can see myself and DH refusing to drive to make a relationship work at such a young age. Even if we'd been told in advance, when bf stayed overnight and didn't return home until 7:30 p.m., DH would have done the same thing if DS never bothered to call or answer any of the 100 phone calls DH would have made to DS to find out where he was. But we never would have made them cancel their winter formal plans.

Maybe his parents should be described as being overly cautious, rather than weird. And without knowing all the details (Why doesn't bf's dad work? Why does he need med. mj if he,in fact, uses it? Why did they cancel the winter formal? What does 'drinks a lot' mean?) we really should not judge bf's parents. In the conversations our teens have among themselves, about us parents, we can be turned into people we'd never recognize.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 10:06am

tintorsmom, I think you're dead on about the dad. I have A LOT of experience with abusive, controlling H's and he sounds like one of them and his son seems to be the family scapegoat. Perhaps the mom allowed her son to take the fall because what she would have received may have been much worse. It's quite possible that the father is a heavy drinker and that's why the mom called the evening of the big dance saying "it's not a good night", kwim? The dad's comments, I feel, were completely out of line and embarrassing not only to his son but also to you, and also very rude. I have often given my dds money and felt like saying something along the lines of "now remember, when I ask you to help rake the lawn, you better not give me a song and dance" but I wouldn't say that in front of virtual strangers!!


If you call the parents, I think I would appeal to the mom. Just say something like, "Listen, I wanted to apologize for keeping bf later than planned. Considering this was my birthday celebration, things ran a bit long. I really do hope that bf did not get in trouble, as it really wasn't his fault." (I would not comment on the fact that they never drive - it is what it is, you know?) And then just see what she says, because the bf's version of being grounded and punished may be different than what it actually is.


Also, keep in mind that sometimes kids use their parents as

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 10:29am

I have to agree with everyone else - you never really know about a family's dynamics unless you are part of that family.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 8:07pm

You wouldn't believe the amount of laundry I do when she comes over (the laundry room is downstairs off the family room where they watch TV)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 9:55pm
Both you and Pam are too funny! Who needs Comedy Central when we got this board?

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 1:04am

Y'all do know you aren't fooling them with that laundry trick, don't you? Kelsie had a couple bf that the mom's did a lot of laundry and the one used to do all her laundry when he had a party. That was the first bf and she didn't realize at first what was going on. Kelsie couldn't figure out why she would do her laundry on a Friday night when there were kids over. Then she caught on and from then on she knew what was going on.


"Gee, I thought I heard the buzzer go off"
"Oh, I thought I forgot to put the softener sheet in"
"These clothes sure are taking a long time to dry, I better check and see if it's heating or not."


Right Mom!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Pages