dd's driving me nuts
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| Sat, 11-18-2006 - 2:26am |
I have posted many times about dd14 and her bf. I have really learned to like the guy, but it's dd I'm starting to dislike to a degree. Every weekend she turns into a moody, jealous little brat. Don't take me wrong, I love my dd w/ all my heart, but I have no idea how she has learned to act like this. She and bf are perfect when they are together - they have a blast together. But the moment he makes plans that don't include her, she's turns into the mighty green jealousy monster.
Up until a month ago, when both their lives were concentrated on sports, everything was fine. Ever since, every weekend has been a living Hell in my house. At first, I was always with her and ticked at him with her, but I've learned differently since, it's definitely her. Tonight, dd had a friend's 16th bday party to go to - she was supposed to spend the whole weekend w/ the girl, she opted not to do that, but went to the movies and I picked her up afterwards. Well, bf went to another party - and omg there are other girls there!! He texted her at 9pm and called her at 11pm, but she's still ticked. Last weekend, she actually broke up with him, because they had planned for him to go to gymnastics with her and then his plans got changed - voila a fight ensues. The weekend before, dd was supposed to go to a party with bf, dd didn't want to go, bf went w/out her and she was a miserable bum the whole night. The weekend before, they were supposed to take homecoming pics and he didn't call her until 2pm. The weekend before.... don't ask...
It's just ridiculous and I don't know what to do with her about it. She has always hated it when other guys have acted like that towards her, which always resulted in her breaking up with them. Do I just stay out of it and let her learn the lesson or does anyone have any wise words of wisdom for me here? I have never been a jealous person so I am clueless as to how she got this way!!
He's definitely her first love for whatever that is worth. I just don't like the jealousy and the clinginess and her expectations she has for him - they are just unrealistic. I'm dreading tomorrow. She will sit in front of the computer all day, with her phone next to her and wait and wait and wait. The longer it takes for him to contact her tomorrow, the more ticked she will get, and the uglier the scene when he does finally contact her. I just hope she sleeps really, really late!!
Someone gimme strength to remain sane!!
ETA: Tonight, he offered to skip the party he was going to, to go with dd to the party that went to the movies and she kept saying "no, no, go to the party and have fun." So it's not like he's not trying to make her happy....poor guy just can't win with her!
Edited 11/18/2006 2:41 am ET by kel7col4


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After I read your post, this is pretty much what I was thinking! Then, I was skimming through the Roll Call and found this on your own post! LOLOL
Your dd is only 14, she is still learning the relationship ropes. I think if she wants to cancel her plans to spend her whole weekend sitting around in a funk, waiting for bf to call you should let her, and you should stay out of it as much as you can. This is a choice she is making, just as she is making a choice to be angry with bf for his every error in judgement. Let her live with the consequences of her decisions and go about your own business.
Where did she learn this behavior? I'd venture to guess it's from any of those 'teen shows' on television, and/or movies. They're all the same -- bf makes a silly mistake, gf gets waaaaayy too upset over mistake, treats bf like dirt, makes bf's life miserable for days. BF begs gf to tell him what is wrong, then begs forgiveness for his 'sin' -- usually something silly, like talking to xgf on a street-corner.
So unrealistic! I have told DD many times while watching those shows that this is NOT how relationships work! Most males will not put up with that sort of drama.
Probably not much help, just my two pennies.
I'd be finding a reason to be out of the house on weekends. Or making a nice batch of Margaritas late Saturday afternoon.....
Yep, not your concern and personally, I wouldnt have commiserated with her in the beginning either. Or defended him. Or any of that stuff. Ignore what you can and hand her the phone and tell her to call a GF when you can't.
I imagine her peer group probably lives for this stuff(like the TV shows)
Does DD get disrepectful with you or feel that you are interferring when you try to talk to her. If she does, I would sit her down and simply say something along the lines of this "DD I have something to say and I expect you to sit and listen until I'm finished. Please do not interrupt me and when I'm finished, I will gladly listen to what you have to say; however, if you are disrepectful with me, I will not listen to your side until you can calm down and be reasonable." Then tell her how much you love her and want her to be happy and that this relationship doesn't seem to be making her happy. Use the weekend arguments as examples but do not make it sound like the arguments are specifically anyone's fault - blame will get you no where. Just focus on how miserable she seems to be. Then give her an opportunity to respond. If she has anything to say, listen and be open-minded. If she doesn't have anything to say, conclude with I love you and want to you to be happy and if I can help in anyway, please let me know. Then I wouldn't bring it up again for many, many months. If this is still continuing then, you may have to get more drastic with her.
My DD would pretend to not listen. She certainly wouldn't talk (she was either silent or yelling but no rational conversation). If it turned into an argument, she wouldn't give anything I said any thought at all but if I could keep things calm, then she would go to her room and think. She would then make changes or at least discuss things with her b/f. If I brought the problem up again too soon, she would just immediately tune me out.
Good Luck!
I am doing good and staying out of it. It's killing me LOL but I am doing it. She's not disrespectful or rude - just not my happy go lucky kid that she usually is. I can only compare it to when she was on Adderall for her ADD - just no personality and miserable to be around. I guess when they say "love is like a drug" it's kinda true, atleast in her case!
I kinda think they are fizzling out - I think she sees what it's doing to her and I don't think she likes it anymore than I do. I made her go to a friends Saturday night, then she went to another friends all day Sunday, and all this week she has a friend over and cheering tryouts. He's been saying for a week that he was having something delivered to our house - it is now supposed to be tomorrow, I personally think it's BS and I think she is starting to think that too.
Thank you guys for my reminder to butt out!! I figured as much but I needed to "hear" it...
This discussion has been very helpful for me as well as the original poster. I have a 16 year old dd who tells me a lot about her life and it's hard to butt out sometimes.
She's a Sophomore and has dated a Junior boy for just over a year. Since homecoming at the end of September her life has been a soap opera. BF said something she didn't like to the other guys on the football team (about not getting anything from her if you know what I mean) and she broke up with him. They got back together for a week or so to see how it goes and they were both going to "hang out" with other people. So dd hung out with a Senior football player who is much larger than her BF, but she said they were just friends. (my husband and I didn't really like this) Then dd found out BF hung out with a girl with a very bad reputation and he told dd that this girl wanted to do "stuff" but he didn't. Well they are broken up again.
I'm glad in one way to know that she doesn't give in to guys, but I feel bad because I really liked the BF, he was always nice a polite, good student etc. Part of me thinks she's giving him the double standard. I'm afraid if I defend him now, that will turn her even further away from him, so I reallllly try to keep my opinions to myself. (it has backfired before, she'd just get mad and say she doesn't like him anymore)
Part of the problem with us mom's knowing so much because our daughters do talk to us when they are in the mood and we want to help or fix things. The best advice I've seen it to stay out of things. I'm trying, I still lose sleep at night though... this is tough. I especially still don't like my daughter talking to the Senior football player on the phone every night. She says he has a girlfriend.
We gotta hang in there.
Linda
Yeah I'm trying to hang in there - today is a good day LOL. BF sent her a dozen and a half roses, so cloud nine has appeared and he is coming over after their respective tryouts. Mine tells me everything and well it's hard not to jump on the bandwagon of her emotions. I am learning quickly that she is just unrealistic and apparently high maintenance and I have no clue where this comes from!! She really doesn't watch tv - very very rarely does in fact, so this drama is really kinda funny. I do like the guy, bless his heart for trying and putting up with her up until this point!
Anyway, I hope things even out for you (and me as well!!) I really don't remember everything being so dramatic and traumatic in my day, but maybe that is selective memory!!
LOL I think I get madder at him than I ever did any of my own love interests....yup going back to getting my own life! Definitely a work in progress....
Not much advice to give but I am going through something similiar myself. I'm discovering that my DD17 is also high maintenance and very clingy and I don't understand how she got that way either. DH and I are truly baffled and have had many discussions trying to figure out if it was something we did. Both DH and I are very independent individuals and work hard for what we have and we have never just given everything to DD on a platter but for some reason she expects this treatment from her bf.
Honestly, DD is driving us nuts too!! DH and I do the best we can to keep our mouths shut and butt out and we are usually pretty good at it but lately it has become more difficult. DD is a junior and she has been dating her bf, a college freshman, for over a year. He is a really good guy who treats DD like gold and both DH and I like him very much. At the beginning of their relationship he would pay for everything and insist on driving her everywhere but now that the newness of their relationship has worn off and he is struggling to pay for college on his own he no longer has the means to spoil her and she made the mistake of expecting this treatment all the time and is now disappointed that she no longer gets it. She takes him for granted and should be treating him better. They bicker all the time and I have noticed that their group of friends have been thinning out probably because they don't want to listen to DD whining and bossing around her bf. I have had discussions with her about it but you might as well throw a brick at my face because that's how I feel after one of these discussion that doesn't change anything. So we are just waiting in the wings for the breakup, hoping that she will eventually learn from the natural consequences of treating someone like dirt. I do worry because she is 17 and while that is still very young I think she should be handling this with more maturity and treating her bf with more decency instead of like a puppet. Time will only tell. Good luck with biting your tongue!!
I had to respond because of the paying thing
DS2,my freshman in college, has a steady GF at a different college and has complained about the cost involved and when I asked if she was contributing, he laughed aloud!
I was under the impression(and having late and sparse daters I dont have a lot of experience)that once a relationship became steady it was typical for the expenses to be shared
It's soooo confusing!
I have to say Im a little annoyed at this and it is affecting my perception of the young lady in question. She is coming across as 'high maintenance' and self centered
DS1's GF has shared in the expenses from pretty early on. She isnt good with money so I suspect he 'covers' for her on occassion but I get the impression she fully expects to pull her own weight
Feel free to share my perceptions with DD-you can even refer to me as 'this nasty lady on my boards...." ;)
I know what you mean. I have 2 boys and 1 girl, and sometimes I wonder when I hear about things like these: whatever happened to that "revolution"....? ;)
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