DD's friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
DD's friends
3
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:10am

Hi

So my DD13 is a very social girl and has had lots of friends over the years. Her one friend she's had since 3 is also my best friend's daughter. They have sort of started to drift apart the past couple of years which is expected as they grow older. Anyway, this girl, I'll call her 'A', has started to "steal" for lack of a better term, my daughter's friends. My daughter will hang out with one girl for awhile, then 'A' will come along and sort of steal this friend away from her and leave DD out - lately turning DD friends against her. This has happened over the past year, most recently during the summer, with about 4 of DD friends. DD said it doesnt bother her but I know it does as I've read emails (without her knowing) about all of this.

DD has one friend who nobody else likes, thats she's known since grade 1. She's been hanging out with her quite a bit and told me last night that she knows she wont get stolen because no one else likes her. :(

This whole situation really bothers me. I know girls at this age are horrible, I remember my years, but it's so hard to just sit back and watch 'A' turn all these other girls against my daughter and leave her out. I've told DD that these other girls arent really true friends if they let 'A' manipulate them like that.

What would you do - just stay out of it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:26am

My DD seemed to go through this a few times over in middle school. What girls do to one another is absolutely horrible, no doubt.

For my DD, things all came to a head in 8th grade and she stood her ground with these so called 'friends' and a MAJOR bust-up ensued. For a couple weeks, DD hid in the library before school, and during breaks and lunches so she could steer clear of the drama.

She made it through, though, but not without a lot of heartache for both of us.

It is best to stay out of it. During all this, one of the girls' mothers called me to 'talk', but what she really wanted was for me to know the things my DD did and/or said that had hurt HER DD's feelings. I let her say whatever she wanted, saying things like 'yes, my DD told me she did/said that', but I didn't say anything about her DD, who imo was the one causing most, if not all of the problems. Before we hung up, the mom said "well, if your DD wants to call, my DD is ALL about talking this through". My DD decided enough was enough (2nd time she had been through this with this girl) and let it all go.

It's awful (trust me, I know) but about all you can do is give your DD lots of hugs, do something special with/for her and support and let her know that SHE is not the problem -- it's the insecurities and jealousies of the other girls.

If you haven't read 'Queen Bees and Wannabees', now would be a very good time!

HTH
Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:47am

Ugh, middle school can be so awful for girls.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 12:22pm

I hate to be the voice of negativity, but it doesn't necessarily get any better in high school, although in some ways it does because at least it usually isn't your friends ganging up on you. But just yesterday my dd14 was sharing with me that she accidentally ran into some girl in the hallway (there are "only" like 1,500 kids in the school and they can't make hallways wide enough, kwim?) and this girl (older) just turned to her and said, "Do you not see me walking, b****?" And another girl another time called her a "freshman white girl" as though she were insulting her. I also heard about one of her friends who was literally "jumped" right at the lockers by two other girls. This girl wound up beating the two girls up herself (with a little help from a male friend nearby). The girl who got jumped wound up being the one to get in trouble, according to dd. I hope she just doesn't know the whole story, because normally everyone involved gets in trouble.

When my dd shares with me this kind of stuff I just don't know what to say. I just try let her know I'm on her side, but I know she doesn't want me to "do" anything. Which believe me, I wish I could...