DD's room a pig sty!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
DD's room a pig sty!
10
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 11:06am
Help! I can't get my DD to clean her room! This is an on-going problem. She is now 23, going to grad school and living at home. The problem is she never picks up or cleans out her room. She has toys in her room since she was 10 (most likely the last time her room was neat). She says "I'll do it this weekend" but comes down with some illness Saturday morning that doesn't go away until Monday morning. How do I get her to clean her room? If she was living in an apartment, she would have gotten a visit from the health inspector by now.
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Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 11:41am
Wish I had some great advice for you.
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Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 11:51am

Well, my dd is only 14 and her room is a pigsty, often. What I get mostly is clothes all over the floor (I've told her that I won't take her shopping anymore because she obviously has too many clothes), sometimes dishes and cups. What I have done is gone in there myself to clean up, disrupting her privacy. I usually do it when she's gone at a friend's. I don't know what to tell you with a 23 yo. Perhaps closing the door like pp suggested, maybe going in there yourself to clean up, as per the "health department" regulations. I hope someone has some better suggestions. To me it's a sign of disorganization, and it makes me wonder what her grades are like. It seems to me that by now she should be responsible for that and not need to be reminded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 12:23pm

At 23, it seems to me that your DD should know by now how to keep up with and take care of her things. If she hasn't felt compelled to learn basic 'housekeeping' skills by now, I'd guess she doesn't feel any inclination to do so. Have you kept her room tidy, her laundry up until now? You say it's been an ongoing problem, but how long does it take for you to cave and do it for her? She may be just waiting for you to reach your messy threshhold and know that you will do it for her before long. I hope you are not doing her laundry for her!

I was a pretty messy as a teen too, but once I got out on my own, I developed a real sense of pride in having my own place and took great care in decorating and keeping it clean and tidy. Could be that's what will happen to your DD too.

I would do one of two things. First would be to just let it go. I wouldn't shut the door on it either. Perhaps if everyone who comes to your house could see how your DD lives, she will be shamed into getting her act together. OR ... I'd pick a Saturday and tell her that room is going to be cleaned to your satisfaction and that you will do it together. She is to make no plans whatsoever for that day and she will NOT be coming down with any mysterious illness either.

As a last and final resort, if she continues to live like a slob, tell her that you've changed your mind and you WILL clean her room. BUT ... you're cleaning rates are $$ per hour and she will be charged for the time it takes you to get the job done.

Just some ideas ...

 

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 12:47pm

Are there bugs, smells, old foods, mold growing? If it's not a health hazard, I think I'd be inclined to close the door. Or, maybe even go in and tear the place apart. Is she paying you rent for that space? Are you paying for her education? Are you still her main financial supporter?

One might take the perspective that it's her space and she has every right to keep it how she likes. Another may believe that while it may be her space, she should clean it as YOU would like. And yet, another might take the perspective that it's your house and YOU should just take over. I mean, everyone is different, right?

If it were my 23 year old and she was just living with us while she finished school, not paying rent and we were basically still supporting her, I'd be inclined to barge in and start throwing out all garbage and packing up outdated or older belongings into boxes and stack them in the garage. But that's me.

However, if she were working & paying rent while attending school (that she was paying for as well), I'd probably give her an ultimatum to either clean up her act, or move out by a certain date - and stick with it. Afterall, if she were renting an apt and keeping it like a hell hole, the landlord would have every right to ask her to clean out the rotten foods that are attracting the rats...lol. KWIM?

To be honest, and no offense, but she sounds like she is either lazy or overwhelmed, perhaps by her workload - grad school isn't a walk in the park and if she's also working part time, I can see how she'd rather just veg out during her off time. OTOH, when does she learn how to balance her life out? There are many of us who work, attend school and still manage a household and raise children. Maybe our homes aren't perfect and all meals aren't homecooked. Maybe we don't get straight A's or promotions at work, but we manage to do it all. Could you perhaps approach her with concern for her well being and put aside your issues with her room - ask her if she's feeling overwhelmed. Discuss with her a way in which she could create a schedule for herself (one that includes downtime as well as clean up time) so she can create some balance in her life. Try to address this with her in a way that is non-confrontational or it will just backfire. If it's pure laziness, then I'd say it's time for her to find her own apt. As much as that would hurt a little, it's probably in her best interest to get out and on her own. It might even improve your communication. Best of luck.

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:27am

Let me know if you find a solution. My kids are the same. My DD has sooooo many clothes on her floor that you have to make a path around them to get from the door to the window. Honesly, I gave up long ago. If she wants to live in a dust infested, messy room then that's her problem. Me, I just close the door. Hey, it's one less room that I have to dust and vacuum.

My DS's room isn't as bad but he's getting there. When he was diagnosed with dust allergies, I thought, great, he'll have to be more diligent about cleaning his room. Nope. He just moved into the guest room, which I maintain. At least, when I clean the house, I can clean most of his room.

I'm telling you, I've decided it could be worse. The two of them could be into other things considerably more problematic and so I've decided to let this one problem slide. As I said, closing the door does wonders.

Mily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 4:01pm
I'm sorry but after reading the other posts, I would be inclined to take more of a firmer stand with this situation. A 23 year old should not be living at home and taking advantage of their parents in this manner. And that's what's she's doing. She knows sooner or later, you'll pick up after her. What are you teaching her? I don't think it matters if she pays rent or not. If she does pay you rent, she would be better off paying for her own apartment and getting a roommate to help out. On the other hand, I would make sure there's not an underlying note of depression that she may be dealing with? Grad school or not, she's an adult and should behave that way. Or else you could potentially have her living with you for a long, long time. I don't mind picking up after a filthy teenager, but to have to do that for another 10 or 15 years....no way!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 8:20pm

The only way I get my DD15 to pick up her room is if I help her. I think when it gets bad, she gets overwhelmed and the prospect of facing that mess on her own is too much. I can understand that! I'm not all that neat, either, so I can't pick on her too much.

Anyway, about once a month or 6 weeks, we put music on, drag a garbage pail in, and CLEAN. It's still not squeaky clean, but we can see the floor, find things in her closet, and have a little bit of desk space. I don't actually have to do too much of the work - mostly it's the company and encouragement. This past weekend, she took all the clothes out of her closet and sorted them into piles: keep, put in storage, give-away. She inspired me to do the same thing in my closet (but not yet, LOL, someday soon)

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:51pm
Close her door and think of the day you can turn it into your own personal retreat. My own two are unreal. My son's room is beyond belief. You literally cannot walk in there if you can get the door open at all. He never does laundry, he does the pick up and sniff test. He's 26 and working two jobs to save money to move out. He really does not have a lot of free time and when he does he sure doesn't want to clean. His last girlfriend gave it a shot but soon gave up. I refuse to deal with it. If he wants to live like that, I don't get it, but so be it. He doesn't mess up the rest of the house and he abides by the no food left in his room rule (at least I think he does). My daughter is a clutter bug (like her father, you should see the garage, haven't ever parked in there)and though she does go on a cleaning binge a few times a year and spends all day in her room moving things around, nothing ever gets thrown away. It is just a neater version of the clutter. She agrees this is a problem. So, my solution is not to make it my problemm and not to stress about it unless I want to clean the rooms myself. I know that soon they will be out on their own and it will be nice and clean...and empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 7:06am

I'm with you deb, it's their space, and as long as there's no rotting food there, I look the other way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:48am
Close the door. It's her room. As long as there are no dirty dishes or food, it's her room.
I periodically go into my DS's room & pick up snack dishes. That's the only thing I get on his case about. The rest, it's not worth it.