Dealing with death of a teen friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Dealing with death of a teen friend
9
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 3:32pm

I don't know if anybody here has had to deal with their children loosing a friend.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 4:03pm

My prayers are with you and your family and the family of that poor girl. My girls have experienced the loss of many classmates over the years, some that were very close to us. Most were car or motorcycle crashes but some were also via suicide. I really can't think of any special words that will ease the ache that your dd must have in her heart but just being there and holding her and reminding her that it's okay to cry and talk with thier friends as much as possible. You can help her find a way to memorialize her friend, or be a part of something related to the funeral.

A lot of the teens in our small community have done many wonderful things in memory of the friends they've lost over the past couple of years. For instance, they created a small memorial on the soccer field for this one boy who was a big town soccer player and died in a car crash - they painted his name in big letters on the field and families were able to leave things like flowers, pictures, soccer balls, etc. Later, the items were offered to the parents. They even played a championship game and dedicated it to him.

For another boy they all painted thier cars with "RIP Churchie" and formed a long line at his funeral that no one broke. It was pretty cool - all his friends showed up on thier motorcycles in his honor.

And for another kid, the kids all made a collection of his favorite bands and put together a CD mix to be played at his wake and funeral, as well as pictures, so when the hundreds of people waiting to pay thier respects were in line, they could listen to it as they viewed hundreds and hundreds of collected photos.

And for a young girl, all her friends and others in town held bake sales, and collected monies to have a bench donated to the library with her name engraved on a plaque.

I think there are ways in which your dd can work through her grief that feels right to her - something that will make her memorialize her friend's life rather than her passing, kwim?

Bless you all. This is so sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 6:37pm

Oldest DD was 7 when my b/f's dd (10 at the time) died. At 7, she grieved some but mostly she celebrated her friend's life. She would remind me of fun times with her. I would pass this along to my friend. It made her feel so comforted to know that we missed her baby girl too. Then when she was 17, a friend killed himself. She felt guilty b/c that afternoon on the way home from school she thought about stopping at his house b/c they hadn't seen each other in a while but she was in a hurry and didn't. She really felt that had he known someone was thinking about him might have made a difference. The sad thing is she may be right. So we spent some time dealing with her guilt and grief. She dealt with her guilt by speaking publicly about teen-age suicide and how teens and adults need to learn the warning signs. She also talked about what teens can do to help for depression.

Youngest DD was 10 when a tornado killed one of her friends. She's my quiet one. She never mentioned it but after about a month wanted to drive by the house (debri pile) to see. We went and got out. The construction guys that were working on the house next door came over and gave her a beanie baby - they said they had started keeping them b/c so many of her friends had come by.

I doubt this helped much. I would suggest that you offer your teen a shoulder anytime. Try to spend a little extra time with her. If she can't go to the funeral or a memorial service, let her take flowers to the cemetery so she can say her goodbyes. These things are more important to us than we realize. She and you will be in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 10:37pm
Teenagers grieve differently. They are generally very open about it, want to talk, to explore the whys and why nots. They grieve in groups because the drama of it all needs to be shared with each other. My son lost a childhood friend to suicide during freshman year. He was a neighbor and we knew the family. It disturbed me for a very long time. The funeral was difficult. Since then both of my children have lost friends and aquaintences to death. One just this summer, a tragedy. They have dealt with it quite well because they have a lot of support from their peers. When they wanted to talk, we did. There are no wise words to share. Wait for her cue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 8:47am
I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice. I just wanted you to know that all of you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:05pm
Thank you ladies for your kind words and advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:34pm
Oh my! That would be so shocking and frightening! Well, I've had some experience. Last year one of Morgan's classmates committed suicide. She was 11. They weren't CLOSE friends, but had been in school together for many years and were friendly. Morgan wanted to talk a lot about it at first - trying to make SENSE of it. What could possibly be so bad that it would cause a child to do such a thing? Then after she'd sort of worked through it a bit she just did NOT want to talk about it at all anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:41pm

Just wanted to express my condolences. In the past year, there have been some teen deaths in our small town, from the teenage couple that tried to beat the train in their truck to the teen who tried to beat the train on foot (almost made it too). The kid who did this on foot was drinking with his friends, and they all saw it happen. There are mostly driving fatalities: recently one young man (not quite 21, apparently that magical age when the brain fully develops) was racing in broad daylight, and took out 3 trees in the median. Wound up brain dead and they pulled the plug. I see wreaths of flowers on the sides of the road and I think, "oh no, not another one". I just can't imagine the pain these familes are going through. My heart goes out to them.

I hope they solve the mystery surrounding her death, as it may bring them some closure. Not sure if that helps the grieving process at all but I know I would want to know "why". As if there ever really is a good "enough" reason, kwim?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 2:11pm

How tragic! My heart is with those parents, her family and friends.

When DD was in middle school, a boy in the grade above her died due to heart complications he'd had since birth. To honor him, students donated money for to purchase a bench and plant a tree on campus in his name.

One Saturday morning, there was a brief memorial service for him and all those that attended wore green, the boys' favorite color. His parents passed out green balloons and they were released at all the same time. It was a very lovely gesture.

My children have so far, only experienced a death when we said goodbye to our beloved dog this past Christmas. That was heart-wrenching for all of us and I don't know how we'd get through the loss of a good friend.

Keep us posted!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 9:31pm
i was saddened when i read your post and played the video the the young girl ... OMG it must have be very hard for the students to see their friend like that. my son age 17, on May 19th lost a very close friend in a car accident. he had a really hard time w/it..i remember the date so well cuz it's my son't birthday. it was hard for about 2 weeks . he holds a memorial page in his my space for him. poor kid fell asleep at the wheel after taking allergy med after he got off work. my son kept saying he was in a better place..i did not want him to think that way..i told him that his friend had a lot more living to do and a lot more friends to make and impression on people's hearts to make..but for some reason and we don't know why , this had to happen. they find comfort in eachother more than in us. God Bless their little hearts :* (