Dealing with In-Laws
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:12pm |
DD, DS and I just returned from Colorado where we spent 5 days in the company of my BIL and SIL. You may recall that we are considering a relocation to the Denver area and BIL and SIL relocated there from Atlanta and were very gracious in showing us the area and neighboring communities.
BIL and SIL have a 5yo DS who is OUT-OF-CONTROL. Not discplined in any way, shape or form. Over the course of the 5 days, we witnessed this child kick his DF, hit his DM, throw things, kick the back of the seats in the car, try to turn over furniture, run away from his parents in a public location (the water park), climb all over furniture, jump up and down and run around like a wild child in model homes, stand up and wander around restaurants while eating, pitch a screaming, crying fit when he didn't get his way, etc., etc., etc. His parents said not one word to correct or change his behavior at any time during this 5 days.
On the other hand, if either one of my children looked crossed-eyed, or made a sound louder than a whisper, BIL was ALL OVER THEM. He raised his voice and spoke very sharply to them if they so much as giggled at a time he felt inappropriate. DD was absolutely furious by the time we left! I wasn't aware just how many times he got on them until about day 4 and I really didn't want to start anything with BIL at that point. But I was pretty frosted to learn this when I was biting my tongue clear through when his child was kicking the back of my seat in the car AT LENGTH or when he threw a ball at the back of BIL's head while he was driving -- and his parents just ignored it! Just a few examples. Even DS, who has been known to throw a temper tantrum or two in his time, was appalled at how badly his cousin behaved.
BIL repeatedly told DD how great it would be to have her close by to babysit. There is absolutely NO WAY I would allow my child to baby sit a child with such violent tendancies. If his own parents cannot control him, how reasonable is it to expect that a 14yo girl could?
And I would not be willing to be a babysitter for this kid, either. My hand would find his backside so fast he wouldn't know WHAT hit him and I could only foresee THAT causing problems all the way around. It would only be a matter of time before problems of enormous proportions would arise between the two sides of the family.
After 17 years of experience, I well know that if DH was in the position of having to make a choice between offending his brother or p**ssing off his wife and/or daughter, he would choose the latter. Doesn't say much about our marriage, I know, but it's the way it is. I tried to discuss my concerns with DH this morning, and he refused to even listen. He accused me of being hateful, mean-spirited, ungrateful and basically, walked away. He just didn't get it.
Now, as it turns out, I am very open to moving. After concerns about school/community transitions, the potential for problems with his family is my biggest one.
Any thoughts?
Julie
Edited 8/7/2006 2:45 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

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Wow, Julie, I would be hard pressed to consider a move after not only what you went through with bil and sil but your dh's response to it! Now, in giving him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he was in a rush this morning. I would sit down with him, soon, and tell him you are NOT going to be able to give him a green light until he addresses your concerns, which are extremely VALID ones. I'm assuming he witnessed all of this: how does he feel about it? I would guess he thinks the 5 yo is "none of his business", and he's right in a way, as long as he agrees that it would be inappropriate to expect dd to babysit. How close is he to db? Would you be forced to spend time with them often, if so how often? How did he feel about the way bil talked to your kids while ignoring the bad behaviour of his own ds? Or did he notice? You mentioned that you hadn't even realized how bad it was, until dd brought it to your attention. Maybe dh needs it brought to his attention as well. It's hard to believe he could agree that his brother was being "reasonable".
Let us know how it goes. Glad that you liked the area, at least. I'm kind of envious in a way, that you can move like that. Even dh doesn't like the idea of moving, or traveling, while I seem to have caught a bit of a travel bug in my 40's!
I agree with the advice.
Moreover, I would tell the husband that,if they do move and spend time with the in-laws that there will be ground rules.
I would make that very clear. The daughter will not be a "convenient babysitter" and has the right to opted out of "family time". The "unruly" 5-year-old will not be allowed to run unchecked in their house. His parents will be expect to control him when visiting. Plus, the in-laws are not to "discipline" your child EVER.
There is an old saying "Good fences make good neighboors". It applies to families too.
Good Luck
Would it be possible to move to an area that is within 50 miles in the opposite direction, so in effect you would be about 100 miles from your IL's???
There is no way I would make that move. If you were that upset over 5 days, you'd just about die living there full time...and without your H's support I foresee nothing by misery. Unless, UNLESS, YOU are able to step up and be the backbone in the situation. That's a tall order and it gets really really tiring, so if you decide to move and figure you'll face it head on, be prepared to do it alone. No offense but it doesn't sound like your H will be of much help in this regard.
Wish I had an answer other than to just say NO. Hugs -
I think it's normal to get defensive when a spouse criticizes family. I can criticize my brother but heaven help DH if he says 'boo!' I think a lot of folks are like that
I dont want to defend these folks but I do remember when mine were little, I had unrealistic expectations of what my kids would be like when they were teens and pre-teens. We recently changed our will so that, should we both pass, money would be kept in trust until their 25th birthdays(and we seriously considered age 30)Our first will, drawn when they were babes, had this age as 18-YIKES-what where we thinking??????
So, it is entirely possible that BIL has some idea that your kids should have reached a level of maturity that they simply havent(and neither will his when the time comes)
I wouldnt let this deter you from any decisions. Put it aside and be prepared to set some guidelines should DD be asked to babysit.
And, likewise, dont forget what its like to have a 5 yr old. Showing relatives around the town he already lives in, going through endless model homes, driving through neighborhoods to look at the outside of these same houses, eating out more often than he is used and probably many days in a row.
Oh, I remember! He probably should have been with a sitter for 75% of it
"Good fences make good neighboors" - VERY true. The thing is, Julie, if your H isn't behind you 100%, then it won't work.
It's true, the 5 y/o is not your problem and your dd can make herself unavailable, but if you're going to have to see these people often, which IMO too much is more than once a month, then this move isn't going to work for anyone except H. Simply put, it's a bad idea all around.
Obviously, your BIL doesn't realize that he is NOT allowed to discipline your kids. Period - if your child was about to run into traffic then it would be okay for him to raise his voice. Only in dangerous situations is another adult allowed to reprimand my kids. And if it was at any other time, I would be sure to say, "Excuse me, BIL. Please, do not speak to my child in that tone. If you see behavior that needs addressing, speak to me first. Incidentally, why don't you pay a little more attention to your little Johnny's behavior instead? He seems a little amped up." and walk away. Holy cow.
Eiyee!
No, DH wasn't with us so didn't witness any of this and probably feels I am exaggerating as it is.
I did hear BIL raise his voice to DD and DS 2 or 3 times, but it appears there were a few more incidents that I wasn't aware of. The ones I did hear I just left alone because, because quite frankly, BIL is intimidating. And honestly, these incidents were NOTHING. DD saying to DS "Ow! Look where you're going" in a rather loud voice because he ran into her. A door slipping out of DS' hand and slamming a bit. Arguing over who got to push the button on the elevator (stupid, I know, but what can I say?) That sort of thing.
The communities we liked were 30-40 minutes from where BIL and SIL will live, so it won't exactly be convenient for any of us to babysit and we could easily and conveniently be 'busy' and 'have plans'.
The sad thing is, is that I like SIL quite a bit. She was essentially a 'mail order bride' from the Phillipines that BIL 'met' through some sort of organization that advertises Asian girls available for marriage. Weird, I know.
Anyway, SIL is very, very sweet and I have quite a lot in common with her. I have to say she didn't look so great this visit. She looked exhausted and worn out and I imagine that I am not the only one intimidated by BIL. I would enjoy spending time with her if we do make the move -- while all the kids are in school!
Thanks for your input and I'm sorry to hear your DH isn't a traveler! How sad! Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the idea of a long weekend or trip or just the planning of one. We are ALL stricken with the travel bug!
Julie
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This is just the point I was trying to make to DH this morning. He claims he will step in with the 5yo if his parents do not. He didn't seem to feel we would be spending all that much time together anyway.
I tend to run with the school of thought that it is NEVER okay to discipline someone else's child unless they are about to do something that would cause themselves or someone else bodily harm -- like running into a busy street. I guess BIL went to a different school.
Thanks for your thoughts.
The communities we liked were 30-40 miles away from where BIL and SIL plan on living, which makes it not terribly convenient for babysitting.
We were all thrown together in close quarters for 5 days so we probably did see the worst of the 5yo, but from what I hear from other family members, this is pretty much normal behavior. No offense taken. ITA, I won't be able depend on DH for support in this area, if this move does indeed happen.
<<"Excuse me, BIL. Please, do not speak to my child in that tone. If you see behavior that needs addressing, speak to me first. Incidentally, why don't you pay a little more attention to your little Johnny's behavior instead? He seems a little amped up.">>
If we were there for a longer period of time, I would have said something just like that. At the time, the incidents he got after DD and DS for were so TRIVIAL, that it just didn't seem worth it. And since I was dependent on him for a few more days in many ways, the friendlier I was, the better it was for us all.
Hopefully, DH will be less defensive about his DB when he gets home tonight. Maybe then we can have a civilized conversation about this.
Thanks for your advice.
Julie
Well, dh isn't a traveler but I still "make" him sometimes, and he goes along with it. I did joke that when the kids are out of the house, I had wanted to do some serious traveling, and that if he doesn't want to come along, I'll have to go with friends. I'm excited about a short trip I'm planning right now to San Francisco. Do you believe my kids have never been there, only an hour away? Oh, sure, Mexico, Canada, Washington and Florida, but not San Francisco! I want to take them to Alcatraz (where I've never been despite living here 26 years) and to ride the cable cars and see Chinatown, etc. It should be fun, and cheap, since we don't need plane fare!
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