Dealing with In-Laws
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:12pm |
DD, DS and I just returned from Colorado where we spent 5 days in the company of my BIL and SIL. You may recall that we are considering a relocation to the Denver area and BIL and SIL relocated there from Atlanta and were very gracious in showing us the area and neighboring communities.
BIL and SIL have a 5yo DS who is OUT-OF-CONTROL. Not discplined in any way, shape or form. Over the course of the 5 days, we witnessed this child kick his DF, hit his DM, throw things, kick the back of the seats in the car, try to turn over furniture, run away from his parents in a public location (the water park), climb all over furniture, jump up and down and run around like a wild child in model homes, stand up and wander around restaurants while eating, pitch a screaming, crying fit when he didn't get his way, etc., etc., etc. His parents said not one word to correct or change his behavior at any time during this 5 days.
On the other hand, if either one of my children looked crossed-eyed, or made a sound louder than a whisper, BIL was ALL OVER THEM. He raised his voice and spoke very sharply to them if they so much as giggled at a time he felt inappropriate. DD was absolutely furious by the time we left! I wasn't aware just how many times he got on them until about day 4 and I really didn't want to start anything with BIL at that point. But I was pretty frosted to learn this when I was biting my tongue clear through when his child was kicking the back of my seat in the car AT LENGTH or when he threw a ball at the back of BIL's head while he was driving -- and his parents just ignored it! Just a few examples. Even DS, who has been known to throw a temper tantrum or two in his time, was appalled at how badly his cousin behaved.
BIL repeatedly told DD how great it would be to have her close by to babysit. There is absolutely NO WAY I would allow my child to baby sit a child with such violent tendancies. If his own parents cannot control him, how reasonable is it to expect that a 14yo girl could?
And I would not be willing to be a babysitter for this kid, either. My hand would find his backside so fast he wouldn't know WHAT hit him and I could only foresee THAT causing problems all the way around. It would only be a matter of time before problems of enormous proportions would arise between the two sides of the family.
After 17 years of experience, I well know that if DH was in the position of having to make a choice between offending his brother or p**ssing off his wife and/or daughter, he would choose the latter. Doesn't say much about our marriage, I know, but it's the way it is. I tried to discuss my concerns with DH this morning, and he refused to even listen. He accused me of being hateful, mean-spirited, ungrateful and basically, walked away. He just didn't get it.
Now, as it turns out, I am very open to moving. After concerns about school/community transitions, the potential for problems with his family is my biggest one.
Any thoughts?
Julie
Edited 8/7/2006 2:45 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

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Oh yes, I agree that DD and DS were a bit childish -- arguing over who got to push the button in the elevator at the hotel, for instance. Stupid, I know but it was over in a nano-second and BIL didn't need to say a word, IMO.
I do remember what it was like to have a 5yo! Honestly, I do and can certainly excuse some as just one overly-tired child. And BIL was quick to remind me of DS' temper tantrums at about the same age, which is why I didn't say anything about his sons' screaming fits. All kids have them. However, those temper tantrums were NOTHING compared to what I witnessed last week. DD and DS both had their share of tantrums -- what child doesn't? -- but there was no kicking, hitting, or furniture upsetting involved and from what I hear from other family members, this is normal behavior for this little boy.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I just came back from the supermarket and driving back through the brown and dried-up interstate, I realized that I really do want to move to Colorado!
Julie
It sounds like you had an overall good visit in Denver. How did your DS feel? I know he was the most resistent (and/or you were the most concerned about him).
As for the BIL/SIL situation, I might give them a little slack because it's hard to keep a 5yo in line with out-of-town guests and lots of boring stuff to do. And adding in that you could be as far as an hour away from them.... It might not be that much of an issue.
In my family, the 'non disciplinarian' is *my* brother lol. His 5 and 3 year olds are whiny, babyish, do just the opposite of what you ask them, etc. His response is some variation of "honey, sweetie, don't do that" in the nicest possible voice (which of course doesn't work at all!!). When I"m with them, I try to put a little discipline in, but often that leads to tears and I look like a meanie! You can definitely set some boundaries, and maybe you can help SIL gain some discipline skills herself!
HTH
Sue
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After your description, I want to move to Colorado!!! Illinois is soooooo flat. Well, we will be retiring some century down the road
You're serious, mom_dragonfly? You've never taken your kids to San Francisco? Shame on you! They will love it! When are you going? What part of town are you staying in? My bff of 30+ years has worked for Levi Strauss in SF for over 15 years now. It seems so glamorous to me ... she has to take Bart into the city and all that stuff. It seems very cool, but I know she has a demanding position and consequently, little time with her family. So there is a trade off for her.
I grew up in San Jose and have very early memories of my dad taking me and my older brother up for a day and to visit his mother, who lived there. I remember him hopping on the trolley car with me under one arm and my brother under the other -- that's how little we were! And we'd get so tickled driving down Dolores Street -- be sure to do that. And what's the name of that street that has so many ups and downs? That was always great fun, too, but go AFTER a potty stop! I remember once my brother almost wet his pants in the car on that street; he had to go so bad and the ups and downs were hard on his little bladder.
As a young adult, we used to go up and party in the 'Triangle' on Friday nights. I don't even remember now where exactly the 'triangle' is, but it was always a lot of fun and in my group of friends, it seems there was always someone who had an apartment there or knew someone who did so we had a place to crash if it got late. {{{BIG sigh ... oohhh, all this reminiscing is making me feel old ...}}}
Well, I know you'll all have a really great time! Have your kids seen 'Escape from Alcatraz' with Clint Eastwood? They will really appreciate it after they take the Alcatraz tour -- they lock you into one of those solitary confinement cells and turn the lights out!
Have fun and be sure to post all about it!
Julie
P.S.: Be sure to drive a car with automatic transmision -- those hills are murder on clutches!
Edited 8/7/2006 10:10 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
Hi Sue,
DS is surprisingly OKAY with all of this. As you suggested, he has been seriously bribed: a trampoline, a Corgi puppy (don't ask me about that one; I have no idea where it came from) and at least a month-long visit from his best buddy K, over the summer. All completely workable!
He likes the idea of the smaller schools, too. He is a pretty bright kid and was BORED out of his BRAIN for the last 2-3 years at school so we should be able to find a school for him (I'm thinking charter school) that is more flexible with their curriculum and where he won't be sitting twiddling his thumbs for weeks on end while the rest of the class 'catches up' and he can just keep going.
He was also very enthusiastic about the weather! It has been such a hot summer that we haven't been able to use the new bikes we bought early in the summer hardly at all and it's been brutally hot on the tennis court.
We also did see one really great house that he really liked. It's a brand new house, with a full walk-out basement (perfect for one of those big huge-o tv's) on a great 5 acre parcel (plenty of room for dogs to run and a trampoline) with fabulous views of the mountains. So all in all, he is very amenable to the idea.
I guess I sounded like a real meanie with regard to my nephew. But honestly, this wasn't over-tired, over-stressed stuff! What we saw was just how he is! BIL's sister, told me all about this over the summer when we visited. I thought she was a bit critical myself, given that she has only ONE child and he is only 18 months old and so has never had the whole 'over-tired, over-stimulated, bored, cranky pre-schooler' experience herself.
And oh yes! BIL tried the whole sweet-talking thing with his DS WHILE the kid was screaming at the top of his lungs and kicking him in the chest. You can imagine how effective THAT was. NOT! I could certainly be doing all this worrying for nothing as the details regarding DH's transfer, position, salary etc. have yet to be ironed out. So who knows?
Have you gone to Paris yet? I don't remember the dates but I know it is/was soon! Let me know!
Julie
I think I'll be very disappointed if it all falls apart! The details regarding DH's transfer have yet to be ironed out.
I am already thinking that I'll be able to try growing a real garden in a climate that isn't so extreme in the summer ... take advantage of the great hiking and biking trails that are all over the place ... FOUR seasons as opposed to just one really looooonnng HOT one and one very short and rainy one ... a nice big yard for a dog or even dogs ... a big house with a basement ... and those Rocky Mountains! I'll bet they're even more lovely when they're capped with snow. Okay, I can probably do without the snow, but it's a lovely thought and I imagine that they're lovely from afar.
Here's to retirement ...
Julie
P.S.: Did I mention the really great outlet mall I discovered near the community I'd like to live in? It's so big there is a trolley that takes you from one end to the other!
Edited 8/7/2006 10:36 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
Actually, another adult should not discipline a child infront of the child's parents. It
is an attack on the parents' authority and can erode any influence the parent has over that child. Wheither you agree or not with the parents' approach to parenting, it is none of your business. Even if you are related to the child, you should not do it. It is disrespectiveful of the parents' authority and right to discipline and bring up their children as they feel fit.
For example, how would you feel if you told your child not to do something and
some relative said they could?
You can take the parents aside and offer advice or "tricks of the trade" ,based on your experience. That's it.
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