Dealing w/LAZY dd...genius moms please!
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| Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:37am |
Okay, as some of you know, my dd has been grounded. We took her cell phone, no pc, no phone and so forth. Well, things have been good lately, she has earned the right to use the pc and the house phone but she still has no cell phone. She promised her grades would come up, well her science is still a 75, oh but that is up from a 73 she reminded me! LOL
Here is what I need help with. She is LAZY! Her attitude has been better. She hasn't really been in anymore trouble. But this weekend I started getting the Christmas stuff out to start putting up in the house. I said something about her helping, didn't beg her, I do not feel I should have to beg her to help with Christmas stuff. Anyway, I go up and down the attic, 2 trees and all the stuff to do them and other stuff also. I push the big tree box into the living room and she asks "Why are you putting it over there, I want it over in front of the window?" I say "I put it here last year." She says, "I know but I like it better over there." I say, "Why in the hell should I care where you want it if you do not want to help me anyway." She is walking out when I say this. So I put the tree where I wanted to put it. I am working on the other smaller tree and she walks in and looks around at all the stuff and walks back out. When her dad gets home, he and my son string the lights out and check them and I start putting them on the big tree while my dd still sits on her arse. Then my husband tells her to help me put them on the tree. So she holds while I string. Then she does help me put decorations on. That night on the phone, she is telling all her friends how "WE" put the tree and Christmas stuff up. WE?? WHAT WE??
Well, Sat. night I told her, all I wanted her to do Sunday was shampoo the dining room carpet and a few other stains. I have my own shampooer and she has always said she likes shampooing. She said okay. Sunday, I remind her once. She says she will do it later, it will not take me long. Okay, so later she is going to take a bath, I said once again about the carpet, she said she will do it when she gets out of the tub. Well, today is Monday last time I checked, and it still was not done. She gave me some papers to sign, one was the science grade, 75. I asked her if she has asked for help, she says "I hate asking for help." I said to her, "So you would rather fail or have a bad grade than ask for help, that is really stupid." So that is what set the tone of the morning. She comes back in the living room and I said something about the carpet.....no response, NOTHING! Then while she is waiting for the bus, she plops down at the pc and starts to go to myspace. I say "Get off the computer, that is my computer. If you will not do what I ask of you, you cannot use my computer." She she huffs and puffs and gets off.
Welllll......I have already decided, I am not going to wash anymore of her clothes. She leaves them all in her room then I comment, if you want your clothes washed, take them to the washroom. So she does....she throws them right in the doorway of the washroom. Well, when she asks me if I have washed this or that or if she has any jeans, I am going to say, "Have you washed them." I talked to a friend of mine and she says that anytime she asks me to do anything for her, just to tell her "I will do it later" or "I will do it after my shower" then don't do it, just like she does me. The reason I am want to do this, or some other ideas if yall have any, is because I want to teach her a lesson. Punishment does not work with this girl, I want something that will make her think, something that will make her go "Whoa, my mom outsmarted me!"
I am sorry this is so long!

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Well ... I saw a little bit of this in my own home this weekend, so I can relate.
IMO, our kids are lazy because we have allowed them to be lazy! I've never asked either DD15 or DS12, to do chores regularly. I started out that way when they were small, then I'd think "well, I'm not doing anything today, I'll just do this for them". Something like that.
Both kids now have an enormous homework load, DD has a long day at school, and I'm a SAHM, so now I do most everything myself just because I'm home and I don't feel right asking them to do things when I don't have much going on and their 'job' is to keep up with the schoolwork, do well and get good grades. I'd rather THAT be their focus at this time in their lives that thinking about yardword.
That not to say that there aren't things they are just expected to do: hang up their laundry when I put it on their beds, hang up towels, clothes in the hampers, etc. Nor does it mean I don't ask them to do things to help -- bring in groceries from the car, empty the litter box, bag up recyclables, etc. And they DO do those things because they've learned that on the rare occassion I DO ask them to do something, they just better do it! They don't like me to be mad and especially not at them!
On the carpet cleaning issue, when your DD gets home from school today, I'd tell her she can use the bathroom and have a quick snack and then she takes care of those carpets before she does anything else. Period. No e-mail checks, no myspace ... nothing until her job is done. And if she has to stay up late to do homework, then so be it. She had plenty of time yesterday to take care of the carpets and chose not to. Then yeah, next time she asks you to do something for her, you can turn it right back around on her.
As far as the Christmas decorating goes ... well, as kids get older, the fun and joy of all that decorating gets old to them. I confess, I was thinking just this morning that I really didn't want to go through all that mess this year. Me, DD and DS got the lights up outside the house over the weekend, I've put out a couple things inside, but I don't feel inclined to do much else -- I don't even feel like bothering with a tree!
Last year, DD begged DH to put the lights up and he didn't want to bother with it. So guess who dragged the ladder and the lights out? Nope, wasn't me. DD did it. So maybe don't do as much decorating this year. If it's too much trouble for you and you don't enjoy it, and no one wants to help, why bother? If your DD enjoys the decorations, she'll help -- eventually.
Just some thoughts.
Well, today she has a basketball game and the game isn't until appx. 6pm, so that will put us home 8ish so by the time we do supper she will not have time to do carpets. Then Tuesday evening, she has an ortho appt. out of town.
I am sick of this, I am sick of her! This is like my last straw! I have begged, pleaded, threatened, but apparently none of it works for her. I am sick of giving her one more chance. I know when I was her age, I worked hard. We had horses and I had to take care of them every morning and evening, when it was cold we had to haul water. My mom made me clean the bathrooms every morning! Then unless we had a horseshow, we cleaned the whole house every Saturday. I did all this, made good grades and I still had sports in school thru my Junior year. That is the year I quit playing. I hate comparing me to her, our lives are different, I know, but I worked my arse off and I just knew to do stuff no questions asked.
A few more examples: I ask her to put her clothes up, she takes them to her room and just piles them on her desk. It would only take 3 more seconds to hang them in her closet or put them in her drawers. She half arse does everything.
Yes, half the time I end up doing stuff instead of asking her because I want it done right. When I do it, I know it gets done. But I am tired, I work all day, my husband is working out of town, I cook, clean, work and I need help, but cannot afford to pay anyone to clean my house. And I always said I never would, because I want my kids to help instead of putting it off on someone else. My son has a job and school. And he does things around the house without having to ask.
As far as having time to do homework, she would have waaaayyyyy more time if she kept her arse off the pc and phone. I have pointed that out, when she was originally grounded, I asked her if she had a CLUE as to how much time she time she spent on there and that if she spent as much time studying as on the pc, she would be getting straight A's again.
Well, so much for advice from this 'genius' mom, lol. I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. I guess the next step would be restricting her from Friday night on until the carpets get done.
It's kind of a blessing that our house is currently on the market 'for sale'. Everyone knows that we have to keep the house looking neat and tidy 'just in case', so I do have that in my favor.
But since you work, there is no reason for you to be doing everything! Take away the cell phone, unplug the keyboard from the PC and make that girl get up and help you!
Oftentimes, my alter ego, 'psycho mom' is much more effective in getting my kids of their 'arse' than my usual 'mom' self.
{{Hugs to you}} and I hope things improve for you!
I have the pc passworded and she does not know the password. This morning when she went to get on, I had already logged on to it so that is why she could get on it until I told her to get off MY pc.
The times have changed so much! I want to go back when there were no pc's, no game systems (but my dd does not have one), no cable or satellites!! I guess I should password the tv too where she cannot watch it! Hell, does anyone know how to password the phone? HA! No, she DOES NOT have her cell phone back. My husband said it may be a long time before she gets it back! She will be 14 yo in Jan. Maybe by the time she is driving she can have it! See, I have 2 kids, I am alone, husband works and lives out of town during the week. I have it all to myself. I have pointed this out to her and told her I NEED help!
Saturday between decorating, I had to run to Walmart to get some lights, some of ours went out, I had put a load of wash in, I asked her to put it in the dryer when it got done. She didn't do it. When I said something, she was like "Ooppps, sorry." I just let it go. Another thing, I swept and mopped the kitchen yesterday morn, after cleaning the oven, and yest. afternoon she cooked brownies. I walked into the kitchen and there on the floor was powered brownie mix dumped. I called her in there, but did not look at it, or say anything about it, she was like "What?" then looked exactly where the pile was, sooo, she knew it was there, just didn't bother to clean it up!
Both of our teenage girls do their own laundry and have for years. I would start w/ that cause if she doesn't do the job, she won't have any clothes to wear. My son (11) is still too short to reach the dials, but actually he is more helpful than the girls. I have read in a book about teen brains (!) that a lot of times, it's not really that they don't intend to do a chore, it's that since it's not important to them, it doesn't really register and they forget about it. I guess the only thing you could do is to say, well I want you to shampoo the carpet sometime TODAY and if it's not done, then you won't be able to use the computer or watch TV (or go out or whatever) until you do it.
I think the school work is a different story. It sounds like my DSD who failed science first quarter. Her dad says it's not that she can't do the work. In 9th grade she failed math too. She isn't very motivated and will do minimal effort. He realized that he needs to get more involved. He wrote to the teacher and said he wants a weekly progress report to see if she is doing all the work, plus he told the teacher that he wants her to be set up w/ a tutor during study. I know there are student tutors available at the school because my DD tutors math. So I just think you have to get in there and talk to the teacher since maybe your DD is too shy to ask for help, plus you will probably have to look over her homework every night, and maybe quiz her on what she has read to see if she understands it. I talked to my DSD about college. She said she wants to be a teacher, which means going to college. I explained that if she doesn't do well in h.s. how it will be very difficult for her to get into college and even the state schools are a lot more competitive now since private school is so expensive. It seems that she doesn't have the maturity to see that this is going to affect her future and the only one she is hurting by not doing well in school is herself.
I emailed her teacher this morning. This teacher also happens to be the one that has her in tutorials. She told me that my dd would rather be talking than using her time wisely in tutorials, which I suspected. When I asked my dd about tutorials, she told me that the teacher is never in there. I am afaid I have a pathological lier on my hands. My sister was really bad about lying. I did, but not as much, I know most kids will sooner or later.
For one thing, she tells me this morning, as I said earlier, she has a ballgame tonight, she tells me that the coach wants them there for the 7th grade game, even though my dd does not play until 6 pm, she didn't want to come home on the bus. So I told her I would find out from the coach. I emailed the coach. She told me as long as they are back at the school by 5:30 pm they can go home. There is one lie. Now she KNOWS I can and will check on this.....why lie about it? We went thru this the last ball game. I made her come home then too. When she was little she would lie, small stuff, little kid stuff, then she kind of quit and it was very nice, but now all the sudden again.
I am not washing her clothes, or anything else she asks me. I will not remind her to do anything, like take her clothes to the washroom. When she runs out of panties, then it will be her problem, not mine. The lazyness and the lying really need to find a way out the door and not come back!
First of all some of this is just her age but some of it is b/c you have allowed it. When she said "oops sorry" about not putting the clothes in the dryer, did you tell her to do it NOW? When she put off cleaning the carpets, why didn't you say no it needs to be done now? When you called her into the kitchen about the brownie mix, did you tell her to clean it up? I know you don't think you should have to be this way but apparently you do. I now I do and my kids are 24 and 18. The 24 y/o is wonderful in her own home but she will only take her dishes into the kitchen when the dog starts to lick them and I specifically point it out to her that the dog is licking the dish and she needs to put it up. The 18 y/o still has clothes in her chair in her room from August before she went to college. They are folded and just waiting to go into the drawer. If I specifically told her, put those clothes up before you leave to go out on Sat night, she would but unless I specifically tell her it's not going to happen.
You have a few choices though:
1) Let it go and just do everything yourself.
2) Start specifically telling her what and when to do things.
3) Give her a list of chores that must be done every week before she goes out on Friday.
The key to 2 and 3 is follow through on your part. Make it clear that she won't go out on Friday nights if she doesn't get these things done by the time you say. That always seems to work best for my DD. She would do anything to go with her friends on the weekend!
Yes, she cleaned the brownie mix up, I did not do it. As far as the carpets, I just wanted to see if she did finally get the initiative to get it done, she didn't. The clothes in the dryer, no I didn't, I did it myself....I know alot is my fault. I get frustrated at the way she does things and do it myself. I am to blame, I know this.
Another example: The other night, it had been a couple of days since we had ate at home so we couldn't remember whose night it was to clean the kitchen. I see which one of the kids volunteer. Well, my dd wasn't about to. My son did. And the kitchen was not that messed up. So the next day, I let all the dishes for the day lay there and made her clean that day. It is kind of like that movie, "The Break Up". I want you to WANT to do the dishes! Why would I WANT to do the dishes?! It is the same thing for kids/parents as it is for couples. I would like her to do something just out of respect and just to be nice, not because I have to tell her or beg her! Ya know!!!!
I used to give them a list everyday. My dd would do it all, as fast as she could, just to get done b4 her brother. Half arse everything. I want her to come home now and get her a snack and drink and then do her homework. Then by that time I am home, usually. That is why I quit leaving a list.
Again, I know I am to blame for alot of it. But I HAVE also made her do stuff, but I have also looked the other way. I am sick of it though!
She doesn't go out on weekends. Only if we go to football(which is over) or basketball games. We live in a really small town, there isn't anything to do, no place to go. There is no going to the mall and hanging out with friends or going to the movies, until you are old enough to get your license. Yes, she has friends over, not lately though, she has been grounded. I have not allowed her to go over to her best friends house and stay the night because her boyfriend lives there. I am just not comfortable with that. Also, the house next to them looks like a bunch of druggies, I know, I work in the court system and I saw one of the people out there and that person has been to court, and yes drugs.
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