Dealing w/LAZY dd...genius moms please!
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| Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:37am |
Okay, as some of you know, my dd has been grounded. We took her cell phone, no pc, no phone and so forth. Well, things have been good lately, she has earned the right to use the pc and the house phone but she still has no cell phone. She promised her grades would come up, well her science is still a 75, oh but that is up from a 73 she reminded me! LOL
Here is what I need help with. She is LAZY! Her attitude has been better. She hasn't really been in anymore trouble. But this weekend I started getting the Christmas stuff out to start putting up in the house. I said something about her helping, didn't beg her, I do not feel I should have to beg her to help with Christmas stuff. Anyway, I go up and down the attic, 2 trees and all the stuff to do them and other stuff also. I push the big tree box into the living room and she asks "Why are you putting it over there, I want it over in front of the window?" I say "I put it here last year." She says, "I know but I like it better over there." I say, "Why in the hell should I care where you want it if you do not want to help me anyway." She is walking out when I say this. So I put the tree where I wanted to put it. I am working on the other smaller tree and she walks in and looks around at all the stuff and walks back out. When her dad gets home, he and my son string the lights out and check them and I start putting them on the big tree while my dd still sits on her arse. Then my husband tells her to help me put them on the tree. So she holds while I string. Then she does help me put decorations on. That night on the phone, she is telling all her friends how "WE" put the tree and Christmas stuff up. WE?? WHAT WE??
Well, Sat. night I told her, all I wanted her to do Sunday was shampoo the dining room carpet and a few other stains. I have my own shampooer and she has always said she likes shampooing. She said okay. Sunday, I remind her once. She says she will do it later, it will not take me long. Okay, so later she is going to take a bath, I said once again about the carpet, she said she will do it when she gets out of the tub. Well, today is Monday last time I checked, and it still was not done. She gave me some papers to sign, one was the science grade, 75. I asked her if she has asked for help, she says "I hate asking for help." I said to her, "So you would rather fail or have a bad grade than ask for help, that is really stupid." So that is what set the tone of the morning. She comes back in the living room and I said something about the carpet.....no response, NOTHING! Then while she is waiting for the bus, she plops down at the pc and starts to go to myspace. I say "Get off the computer, that is my computer. If you will not do what I ask of you, you cannot use my computer." She she huffs and puffs and gets off.
Welllll......I have already decided, I am not going to wash anymore of her clothes. She leaves them all in her room then I comment, if you want your clothes washed, take them to the washroom. So she does....she throws them right in the doorway of the washroom. Well, when she asks me if I have washed this or that or if she has any jeans, I am going to say, "Have you washed them." I talked to a friend of mine and she says that anytime she asks me to do anything for her, just to tell her "I will do it later" or "I will do it after my shower" then don't do it, just like she does me. The reason I am want to do this, or some other ideas if yall have any, is because I want to teach her a lesson. Punishment does not work with this girl, I want something that will make her think, something that will make her go "Whoa, my mom outsmarted me!"
I am sorry this is so long!

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God be with all parents of teenage girls. It is truly all about them. I agree with the advice someone gave you, with a little twist. I have come to believe as parents we have to pick our battles and attitude is one of them. I have lowered my standards in regards to my 16yo DD room cleanliness, but she used to also dump a week's worth of laundry in the laundry room then cry when she had no jeans. I also found myself constantly picking up her stuff (in rooms, mind you, that I have not lowered cleanliness standards on).
On advice from friend that has raised 5 teens; I began to throw all items I found all over the house and the week's worth of laundry on her bed. When she wanted me to do something for her I would give her a list (and as mom's we know it is a long list) of things I had to do and if she would help I might be able to get to her "something". Eventually she got the idea, although this did not happen overnight.
I still have to remind her to do things, but no more than twice. Chores not done on the day they were due, there are consequences. The hard thing is to be consistent, it took great discipline on my part, but eventually we got there.
You can do it!!!!
Thanks, that is a good idea. I too have lowered my standards on her room. I went to a conference/school for work recently and we had a speaker there that was talking about his kids and their rooms. Anyway, after listening to him, I decided that I didn't have to be such a stickler about her room. I have picked up her crap and put it on her bed. The last load of laundry of her's I did, I left in the basket and put it on her bed. Several days later, it was still in the basket, but on the floor. I did all of our wash last night, the rest of the family's that is, her's is still lying in the floor.
Yesterday evening she had an ortho appt. out of town. We got home around 8pm and I had presents to wrap, wood to haul, and 2 loads of clothes to fold. My son got home around 10pm. My dd sat on the phone and watched tv. I just let her, didn't say anything, didn't ask for help. That is the way she wants it. I am just waiting.....and waiting.....I can't wait until she comes and asks if I have washed her jeans or panties or something!!! I want her to help out of respect for me. She knows I am so very tired and stressed right now. It does not seem to matter to her. I would be floored if she walked up to me and said "Mom, you look tired, would like some help?" I would probably pass out!
She got upset yesterday with me -- okay, I took off early to pick her up so we could go the the orth appt. She got a snack at home while I changed clothes. I knew my son was going out so I knew he would get his own supper so I told her we would go out and eat after her appt. She asked if I would stop and get something on the way, she was starving, I said no, you had a snack, get something else here at the house. She got mad but got over that. Then when we went to eat, we both got a hamb. and fries, the good homestyle fries, not frozen, she went to get ketchup and the little pump thing didn't have any in it. I told her to ask I am sure they would give her some, she told me to ask she didn't want to ask, I said "No, I am not the one who wants it." Then she eats 3/4 of her burger and still has a plate full of fries, wraps what is left of the meat in the wrapper and asks for another burger!! I said NO! I told her to eat her fries, she said she had no ketchup, I told her again to go ask....she said she just wants another hamb. I said no again. She just knew I was going to give in, but I didn't. She ended up getting glad in the same pants she got mad in and ate some of the fries. Then asks, "I wonder how big the big burger is"? I said "I don't know, but maybe next time you need to get it."
I know that doesn't have much to do with laziness, other than the not asking for ketchup, but I didn't let her have her way! WOOHOO! HA!
Giving a specific time for a chore to be done works here-carpet washed by 5pm, for example-it avoids the 'later' 'in a minute' 'after I..."
There needs to be consequences if its not done(or begun-Im not picky)by 5pm and the chore still needs to be done by said child. You set yourself back IMO every time you step up and do it for them in frustration
I also think having regular responsibilities fosters them feeling part of the household. That's different than assigning tasks as they come up and you feel you need help(not saying thats not a valid concern-just that it is a separate entity) My boys have been responsible for their own laundry since 7th grade.
I would turn over laundry to her and perhaps a few other routine chores-maybe dinner every Thursday or garbage to the curb on garbage day-something routine
I believe that sets the framework to move to "I need help with these lights".
And, yes, I think we need to speak up-they are self absorbed at this age. DH and I chatted the other day about how clueless we were as teens-we didnt worry about where the college money came from or think about how our moms had to adjust dinner when we came home from college for Thanksgiving break(recent learning experience here)And we werent horrible teens; we just didnt have the necessary life experience to THINK.
DS may 'appear' more helpful because DH is more direct in saying what he needs done-just a thought-guys often are.
No, DS is more helpful, and he is responsible. He has specific jobs to do everyday and gets them done...feed the dogs, takes out the trash. They are supposed to take turns at the kitchen. We have cats in the house. My son, as I said, takes care of the dogs...guess who takes care of the cats...NO not my dd. If I left it up to her, they would starve to death, die of thirst and would be pooping on the floor because she is not about to clean a litter box! I am just do not want to mistreat the cats, so I do it. They should not have to suffer because of her.
We gave her a job, a very simple job, does it get done? No. Her daddy told her it was her job to make kool-aid when we run out or are about to run out. My son gets so frustrated with her about it, he does it himself. So, it is not just me! Since it is winter and we use a fireplace to heat our house, I am going to give her the job of hauling wood. We will see if that gets done.
I wonder if when she does ask about her clothes being washed and I comment on it, maybe I should give her a piece of paper and ask her to write down everything she has done for someone else that week, everything she had done to help out. What do yall think of that? I don't think she could write a thing......
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