deceptive daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
deceptive daughter
7
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 5:35pm
Help! My 16 year old daughter is lying but I only know that because I checked her email and read a note I found in her room. She's had the same boyfriend for several years now and we like him and by all appearances, she really cares about him. But the note and her email says differently. It seems there is another boy that she likes but she already knows we won't allow her to go out with him and I thought the issue was dead. Apparently not. But now, I don't know what to do since I got the information from snooping. Her dad seems to think we need to let her make her own mistakes and sometimes I do too. But I don't like that she's lying. What would you other moms do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 6:27pm

I've been in your shoes. My DD would lie to me at the drop of a hat if she thought I wouldn't approve. She also was going with one boy but liked another. I would suggest that you try to be patient and observant. See if she says anything that can open the door to a discussion about her liking both of them and her deception.

Another thing I've done is simply said I know such and such. Why are you telling me different? She immediately would ask how I knew. I would simply say it doesn't matter - what matters is we have a problem and need to deal with it. Occassionally this would work but usually she got so focuses on how I knew that she missed the whole point of the conversation until she had to wash windows for lying to me - then I think she got it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 6:34pm
I agree. You really can't let on how you found out about it. But maybe now that you know, you can keep an eye on the situation and catch her at it without her knowing that you knew all along--if that makes sense!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:18pm

I'm not sure what the lie is about... that she still likes this boy? Is she secretly seeing him? Why don't you like him?

Sorry for all the questions... I've caught my son in some things by snooping. I've learned to get really creative, lol.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2000
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:38am

I was just in your shoes this past Nov. My 16 yr old dd dated the nicest boy for over a year and I noticed she didn't want to talk about him. She'd get phone calls from another boy (a Senior that we didn't like because of his drinking etc.) late at night and she'd hang on the phone with him. This made me nervous, so like you I'd snoop. Found info in the text messages on her phone, MySpace and notes. We had a tough time for awhile. Her grades dropped a lot during this time, she broke up with her boyfriend and was not pleasant to be around. When I'd try to talk to her, she'd say it's her business.

I kept my eyes open. We made a rule (because of the grades) that her cell phone had to be in the kitchen by 9:00 pm on school nights. That helped a bit. She'd say she's going to the movies with her girlfriend then she'd call and say plans changed and could she and her friend go to this other boy's house. It was very hard not to forbid this because we didnt' want to drive her closer to him. I prayed a lot! We did tell her we found out things about this other boy from other parents and didn't want her seeing him. Eventually this died down and in the meantime she remained friends with her ex-boyfriend.
I'm happy to say that now they are back togehter. Finally the other guy proved himself a jerk. (I kept reading text messages and found ones where they were fighting) He got mad that she still was talking to her ex.

The bigger problem was that her first semester grades really suffered, so any restrictions we placed on her were related to that.

Sorry this is so long, but for months this was such a struggle for me and I feel for you. Even if you and your daughter have a close relationship during this time when she's sneaking around she'll be distant. That's hard to take, but you have to try to be nice, encouraging and not let her know you're snooping. I finally let my daughter know that I knew things because of her phone and told her that anything she types on the computer, I can see. (not really because we don't have that software) but it let her know we were watching.

If you want to email me personally you can. I was grateful for all the help I got on these messageboards and others.
lelintonen@jwwinco.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 4:18pm
I think it's a lie when she is decieving us and her current bf regarding how she feels about him and how she is hiding that she is writing notes with the other boy. No, we don't like him because he drinks, smokes, and his family is known to be into drugs. We've sat down and talked with her since I posted on Monday and we believe she understands where we stand on this issue and she is headed back in the right direction. I like to know there's a place to go to get support in these kinds of situations. Thanks for your input.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:10am

Unless you want to divulge how you know everything, which you may not really know EVERYthing, all you can do is keep an extremely close eye on your dd. Be aware of who she is with and where she is at, etc.

I snoop when I can feel that something is up. Most often, my dds are simple naive and put information out there that is easily traced and trackable so that I don't even have to lie about how I found things out. They make it so easy to know what's going on in their lives, so I'm pretty lucky in that regard. But, I have been duped just like any other parent as well.

When things get seriously dangerous or you feel that your dd is at risk, then I think it's perfectly okay to simply say, "I was worried about you, with good reason obviously. Now it doesn't matter how I know, but I know and we need to talk about this ASAP." And then do so. The bottom line for me is that it's my job to parent my dd, and it's her job to learn how to be responsible for herself and if that makes us face a difficult or unconfortable situation or confrontation at times, then so be it. Part of parenting, plain and simple.

I agree that there are times when we allow them to make their own mistakes, but not when it comes to being mixed up with drug and alcohol abusing BF's. She may push the envelope and do underhanded things, but I would be there every step of the way trying to prevent it. I would put up every obstacle within my power to prevent her from spending time with bad apples and losers NOW because in a couple of years when she's 18, you won't have a leg to stand on - and perhaps in the interim you will be able to nip this behavior in the bud. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:51pm

I can fully see why you wouldn't want your DD around this other boy. Unfortunately, I'm on the flip side of the coin. I'm the one with the troubled boy who has experimented with alcohol, cigarettes and pot.

I'm glad that you were able to talk this through with her without her finding out how you know.

zz