The Defiant Daughter Blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
The Defiant Daughter Blues
5
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 1:56pm

New to this board! My 14 yo DD is turning my hair gray (what hair I have left, LOL!) with her me-me-me rants lately. She has gone from being very sweet and close to my husband and I to very self-centered in the last year and a half. We have trouble regulating her computer time lately, and it seems she is online all the time, IMing and MySpacing everyone in town (constantly making "new friends" at neighboring schools), watching TV, and staying up late at night. She is never on time to school anymore -- seems to be later and later every day, and has become very demanding. When she doesn't get her way, she becomes very insulting, which only reinforces our decision to not allow whatever it is she wants to do. My husband and I recently wrote very heartfelt letters telling her how much we love her, which we sent for her 8th grade retreat. She told us she read them but never said anything more. This hurts! I miss my sweet daughter, and her negative attitude has added much tension to our 6 member household.

This weekend we told her that if she continues to refuse to share her online activities with us and get off when her hour is up, we will eliminate her user account. She reminded us that her school work files are there, so they would be erased, and her itunes are also there. I don't want to erase these things, but I need to protect her online, as well as keep her accountable. (Our family shares one computer -- in the family room) I've also told her that if she is late to school at all this week, she will not go to her school dance on Friday.

On the positive side, she has a lot of friends, is the Dear Abby of her class, she is bright (though her social life has affected her homework a bit), and she can be a lot of fun.

I was not rebellious as a teen and was always very close to my mother. I know that may not be typical, but I'd at least like for my DD to be respectful and stay within the boundaries we set. If you've been there, done that, I'd appreciate any suggestions/insights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 2:26pm

I think most of us have asked ourself that question before - 'where in the world did my sweet baby go and who is this alien creature called a teenager?'

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 3:48pm

It takes forever to get her up in the morning, and then yes, she dawdles in the shower, etc., lately being ready right as school is starting...aargh! School is 5 miles away so I drive her. But of course this ends up making me late to work sometimes, too -- NOT good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 7:33pm

Welcome to the board... and welcome to the rollercoaster that is parenting teenagers. BTDT with each and every one of my kids. The good news is, they eventually do turn back into charming people, some take longer than others, but most of them do. My DD almost 16 has been pretty much a joy for the past year, but before that she made me NUTS.

Keep with your expectations of her, she needs limits, and actually wants them, she just doesn't know it. Maybe shutting the computer down at a certain time and insisting that she is in her room with no phone, no computer, and no tv by a given time may encourage her to actually go to sleep at a decent hour. I haven't had to enforce bedtime with my DD in a long time, but she's also one of those dream kids who knows enough to go to bed when they get tired - I deserve one of those after dealing with DSs up until midnight and after if I didn't watch them like a hawk!

Good luck, and keep us posted.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 8:34am

Welcome aboard!

"get off when her hour is up, we will eliminate her user account. She reminded us that her school work files are there, so they would be erased, and her itunes are also there"

Remind her of the rule again to get off or her account will be erased. And when she says this again, put it back on HER: then you need to get off if you want to keep all that info, you'd hate for her to lose it but it's really her choice since she knows the rules. And, then erase the account if she doesn't do it. (Personally, I'd have to make a copy of everything I could, but would not let her know about it until she'd improved immensely.)

Best wishes!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:00am

Your dd is only 14 years old. You are still the parent and need to establish the rules, guidelines, restrictions and you need to enforce them.

Not getting up for school isn't an option in our home. In our home you are up, dressed, bed made and morning chores done prior to 6:30 am when breakfast is put on the table. We eat breakfast together as a family every day. Being late for school means that you loose 30 mins at the end of the day (earlier bed time) and woken up 30 mins earlier the following day.

IM and myspace is not allowed in our home. PERIOD! To do so means immediate removal of all computer priveleges for one month. Any violation of our computer use rules will result in the loss of computer priveleges for one month.

Lights out in our home is at 9:30 pm on School nights, 10:30 on weekends and during school vacation. It is expected that ds will have his bookbag ready for school, his clothes layed out for school, his lunch made, and shower taken by 9 pm. There is no use of electronics after 9 pm in our home during the school/work week. This includes tv, computer and stereo. This rule stands for all family members. The exception of the rule being to check weather and/or important news reports.

Attitude or not, you are still the parent and you are still in control over what happens in your home and how it happens. You just need to step up and establish the rules and stick to them. She doesn't have to like them or agree with them, but you do need to insist that she follow them or face the consequences. If my son was late to school more than once, he'd have me walking him to his first class everyday.

As for her homework files and ITunes. You don't need to erase them. Back them all to disk and then restict her computer use period. She'll live just fine having to listen to things on CD or CDRW and the radio. Oh and there is this invention called the school computer lab. That should do her just fine for any assignment that is required to be typed. That's why they have late busses and study halls. Don't let her manipulate the situation by saying she can't live without the computer.

JMO
stacy