developing children's moral values
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| Mon, 06-18-2007 - 2:21pm |
I was having an intersting discussion w/ my DH this weekend and I really don't know the answer to this. I had discovered that his DD was going way over the text messaging (200 texts are included and she used 900) but when he looked at the bill, he also found out that she had disobeyed his rule that she not be on the phone after 11:00 p.m. on a school night. I think the bill he looked at was really not that bad. I have found out that she has talked for hours on a school night, sometimes as late as 3:00 a.m.
He said to me that this has been about the 5th time that she has been caught doing this, that he has taken the phone away before temporarily, she will promise not to do it again and then she goes right back to doing it. Now that she is driving alone, we don't want to cancel the phone completely, cause this is when she needs it for emergencies. He could take the phone away except for when she goes out, but the bigger issue to me is that she seems to be the kind of person who will just try to see what she can get away with and she is fine w/ doing things behind our backs as long as she doesn't get caught. I know all teens do some things that are wrong, but she seems not to have any conscience.
If I tell my DD (who's 18, my DSD is 17) that something bothers me and why, I can see that she makes an effort to improve her behavior. For ex, one night she decided to sleep over her friend's house and she didn't tell me and her car was home, so I didn't know where she was. I called early in the a.m. and woke her up. Her rationale was that she was supposed to be sleeping over her father's so I didn't expect her home. I said yes, but since her car was home, I knew she wasn't at her dad's and I was worried. No common sense there for an honors student! So last weekend, she got home late. When I turned on my cell phone, there was a message from her saying that she was watching a movie over a friend's house and she would be home a little late. So at least I feel like what I say gets through somewhat.
My DH was asking me if he can't trust his DD on little things how can he trust her doing what he is saying on big things, like taking the car and not driving her friends around (kids can't drive a friend w/in the first 6 mos after getting their license). Now I happen to know that she has driven w/ a friend in the car since my DD saw her. He is worried because she is going to be babysitting for her cousins this summer and he thinks she will drive them somewhere. I belive she probably will too if she thinks she won't get caught. Is it too late to instill any kind of moral values in this girl. To me, that's what a little kid about 5 yrs. old thinks but by the time you are 17, you should be a little more responsible and not just avoid doing things that are wrong only if you are going to get caught.

The way that we teach our children responsibilities it to give it to them in increments that they can handle, that are age appropriate. If dsd doesn't understand or respect the limitations that you've given her, then you need to go backward and set limitations that she DOES understand and respect. It's kind of like taking 2 steps forward and one step backward, but that's what you have to do with some kids.
You've posted about this dilemma before and I really think that you need to have her turn in her phone each evening by 10PM and return it to her each morning. She needs to learn once and for all that the phone is for YOUR convenience, not hers. Until H addresses this with some real firm guidelines in place, he can expect his dd to walk all over him and push the limits always.
Best of luck.
I am wondering if she is this way with everyone or just her dad and you.
Since I'm going through this kind of thing (hopefully not on-going though) I have to agree with Sue. I'm not saying DS doesn't challenge our rules (he does!) but he also KNOWS that each and every time he will have a consequence. I wrote and printed out a contract for him last night that states rules and consequences and I won't hesitate to stay consistent with it. DH and I told him last night it's much harder being a consistent parent who has and enforces rules than a more lenient one who lets a lot go. You really have to be on the ball (and get kicked alot LOL).
It's not too late to give and follow through on consequences for DSD (of course, that's for Dad to do). It just may be a little harder than someone who has done it since the beginning. This is also about safety if you think she is going to drive her cousins around.
Good luck - raising kids is hard.
Right now DH has told DSD to leave her phone downstairs at night (actually I think from the time she gets home from school) which will prevent her from making calls late at night. Of course, if she wants to calls anyone, she can use the home phone. I know he told her she had to pay for the text messaging, I'll see if she actually comes up w/ the money. Even last night, he asked her if her phone was downstairs and it wasn't and her answer was "I forgot." Actually, since DH has severe short term memory problems, she was probably hoping that he would forget.
A lot of times what he will do is react in the heat of the moment and give her a punishment that is overly severe, then when he realizes it, he will change it. Not that I think that he should stick to an over the top punishment. What I actually think he should do is wait til he calms down and then think of what to do or do what someone suggested, which is to say if you do this, then X will happen and it will be known in advance.
We are both in separate therapy right now for various reasons. I suggested that he discuss his problems w/ his DD w/ his therapist because the main problem is really between them. It seems to me that DSD doesn't like or respect him, she just acts out of fear, which is not healthy.
ON top of this, she didn't get him anything for father's day, not even a car, although she did wish him a happy father's day on the phone, w/ prompting from her friend. he is hurt that he has been very generous as far as letting her use the car, etc. and it's all one way. So this has put him in more of a bad mood toward her, but I bet that he didn't come right out and say that he was hurt, which would be the more healthy way of dealing w/ things.
You are in a hard place right now. Obviously, you only have so much say because it's your DSD; and your husband, her dad, isn't thinking things through, or being consistent, so there's a lack of respect and adherence. The reason we did our rules and consequences contract is so we wouldn't react in the heat of the moment, which is very easy to do. Would that be a possibility for your DH and DSD? I'll send you mine so you have samples and then you can think of the main issues and make your own. I got my sample from the Alive at 25 website. But the thing is, he still has to be consistent, and follow through if he's going to use it.
Lisa