DH discouraging about careers
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| Wed, 10-18-2006 - 3:14pm |
I had a little spat w/ my DH this a.m. about the way he always seems to be negative toward my DD's choice of careers. She has decided she wants to be a nurse, which frankly I don't see her doing, but it's her life. I could see her more as a doctor. She is very smart, does well in science & math, but to me doesn't seem to have the compassion to be a nurse. Anyway, her stepmother is a nurse, and I'm sure she has talked to her about it. Now my DH used to be a nurse for a short time many years ago and since then has had different careers in things that are totally unrelated to the medical profession.
This a.m. the cat threw up in our bedroom (what a way to start the day at 5:30 a.m.) and as he was cleaning it up, he said "I should have DD clean this up if she wants to be a nurse. She will see the kind of gross things she will have to deal w ith." It's really annoying to me that every time I hear him talk about nursing, it's either that people will be throwing up, etc. and he thinks she won't be able to handle it, or you have to work nights, holidays and weekends, etc. I have never heard him say one good thing about nursing, although he said to me he has said this to her when I haven't been around. Now I assume she isn't an idiot and realizes that nursing has some gross aspects and obviously she knows about the bad hours cause her stepmother works nights, weekends and holidays. It just burns me up that he is always emphasizing the negative, which is just his normal personality. I feel like we should promote whatever the kids want to do and encourage them to get there.
And I guess it's not just my DD, because when his DD (who is 16) said she wants to be a teacher, his comment was that a lot of teachers have to take 2nd jobs or can't have the summer off because they don't make that much money. Well, maybe it's not as much money as some other jobs, but where we live it's a pretty good wage, plus they get all the benefits.
I feel that it's pretty hard to decide on a career and yes, maybe my DD will find out she doesn't really like nursing, like he did, but they have to start somewhere, so why discourage them right from the beginning? I don't really care what kind of job they have just as long as they can support themselves, so why not back them up? It just got me really annoyed.

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Boy do I feel your pain...lol. My H is like Eeyore when it comes to commenting on other's choices. He lobbied for my 18dd to attend Johnson & Wales school to get a liberal arts degree with her culinary major. Her heart was set on CIA. We went over and over it again and again: she'd been baking since she's 7 years old, she's sure this is the field she wants to be in, etc. She's at CIA - just started this year.
DD16 wants to go, of all places, to a Beauty Institute. In NY. The best Beauty Institute in the tri-state area happens to be on LI, in NY. So I got all the stuff for that school and H is now saying that he won't help pay for it, not that it matters to me anyway. He says he will only pay if she goes to a community college and takes courses here from home. Her dad lives on LI, she can live with his family for free, so that's not an issue. She says she ultimately wants to learn about permanent makeup art, aka, tattooing. But she's also interested in being an esthetician...something I find hard to believe since I have to fight to get her into a shower, but that's another post. LOL -
H is never fully 100% supportive of anyone I know...not us, not his friends, boss, family, no one. It's very frustrating to share your hopes, dreams and goals with someone who cannot for one moment step out of themself long enough to see it from your point of view.
My suggestion for your dd is to find out about getting a job or volunteer position at a local hospital, clinic or emergency care office and see first hand what nursing entails, perhaps as a nurse's shadow. Not to discourage her in any way but to really get a feel for what it will be like hand's on. A lot of teens romanticize about what they want to be when they grow up and don't fully take into account all that it involves. I would imagine certain nursing positions to be extremely rewarding. My sil was a nurse: first she did cardiac nursing, then terminal and eventually she became a biology teacher and she LOVES it! Back before dd18 went off to school we encouraged her to get a job in a kitchen at an upscale restaurant. She loved it. I've recently been encouraging dd16 to get a job at a local spa where skin care is performed. I'm hoping that she does so she can see for sure if it's the field for her BEFORE we spend all that money.
Like you said, it's your dd's choice and life. If she wants to do nursing, H should defeinitely be more supportive, if not encouraging.
My mother was much the same way. No matter what it was I 'thought' I might want to do, she found reason to discourage me -- too competitive, won't pay much, not enough demand, blah, blah, blah.
Instead, she insisted I learn to type in high school so that I 'could always get a job'. Yup, she was right about that. I've had lots of 'jobs', but no real career, no fulfilling position, no experience in any particular field ... just one 'job' after another.
Of course, I've had the best job ever for the past 8 years, being a SAHM with my kiddos. It would be nice, however, to have a career or field to fall back into when they leave for college.
I've been a nurse for 20 years. It can be a very rewarding career. I am able to support my family on my wage, allowing DH to be a SAHD. I have had to do night shift, evening shift, clean every body opening that we know, place tubings in several of them. I have been there to help many people through some of their most difficult times. For the last 16 years of it I have done critical care and seen a lot. I have always been a bedside nurse, charge nurse was as far away as I got from it, but I still did patient care.
If your DD does decide to become a nurse, she can do many things with it. She can get her masters and be a Nurse Practitioner, she can teach nursing, she can be a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist, etc. She can be a travel nurse and see the country for 6-13 weeks at a time. And, have her traveling paid for.
The unit I just went to a girl hired in the same time I did. Brand new grad, straight days. And, several of the nurses I now work with have said they never did work night shift. It's possible, not probable, but possible. Not many jobs can you work full time, full time benefits and have 4 days off a week to pursue whatever interests you. I will admit I feel stuck doing what I'm doing, but it's a good thing I enjoy it still. It's got to get me through at least 20 more years.
My DD #2 who is not yet a teen has decided she wants to be a nurse. I'll encourage it because it can be a very fulfilling career. And, it can put food on the table, and give her a way to provide for her children.
HTH
Sallie
I would consider having a very heart to heart talk with your husband, sometime, when both of you are calm and collected. Something doesn't sound right to me. Kids should be able to choose the career that best suits them. Afterall, success only comes when you're doing something you enjoy. The only time I would put my foot down would be if I had a child that kept switching majors and extending their college years for several unnecessary years. Also, I would relax regarding the physician vs. nursing debate. That's a decision only your daughter should make.
Please have a talk with your husband to find out why he's so negative. You need to find out why her career choice would affect him so negatively? Afterall, he's had the pleasure of choosing a career. She should have the same.
I swear many of us on this board appear to share the same husband!!!!
Someone asked why this is so important to your DH and I think thats worth some thought
Is he unhappy in his career?
I know mine feels unfulfilled although I would kill for his job in so many ways. He also has this "if only someone had told me so therefore I am going to tell MY children"
Drives me crazy because the man doesnt listen to anything ANYONE tells him-never has, never will. If he refuses to listen at any age, why would he have listened as a teen when everyone has that know it all attitude????
OK, just venting here. But know you are not alone with the DH stuff!
IMH underpaid O, both teachers and nurses make good money-FAR more than social workers-and they are careers which allow for flexibility in all aspects of one's life.
Tell your DH to tone down the negative comments.
There are many, many things one can do with a nursing degree that don't require cleaning up vomit. (And,by the way, isn't that the job of an orderly?)
As for being too intelligent, well, again, being a nurse can be much more than just cleaning bedpans. You know, you can get a Phd in Nursing.
If that is what she wants to do, all power to her. Nurses are in demand now. They can make very good salaries and can travel the work.
Tell your DH that everyone has to start somewhere. Starting with a nursing degree or a teaching degree are very good starting pointds.
My DH's negativity has nothing really to do w/ this. He is just negative about everything because he suffers from depression. It is getting really depressing for me to even be around him because my personality is the opposite. I mentioned to him before that whenever he makes a comment about strangers that he sees in passing, it is always negative--like look at that person's wierd clothes, hair or whatever. He never says that person looks nice, that baby is cute or whatever. I told him to just stop making those comments if he can't say anything nice. Even last night, my DS (11) had the TV on when he was supposed to be sleeping so of course my DH has to make a comment about how it's always hard to get him up in the a.m. My DH isn't even home when my DS has to get out of bed, except maybe one day a week. He just can't keep negative comments to himself. In his mind he is playing the "devil's advocate" he told me, to make sure the person has thought about whatever. I think it would be ok if he said something like yes, nursing is very rewarding and I liked this or that, but how do you feel about working holidays? Instead, he only points out the negative.
The ironic part about this is that my DH has had many careers. I'm not sure about the order because it was all before I knew him and he is vague on details. He was in the Army special forces for a couple of years as a medic, then he came out and went to college for nursing. He got a Master's in marine biology, which he apparently never used in a career. He worked for an efficiency expert for a few years. Then he managed some paint stores. Then his FIL taught him how to install and refinish hardwood floors, which he did for the most period of time, about 20 yrs. He was doing this when I met him until he tore his rotator cuff and could no longer do physical labor. So now he is back to working in a paint store. So in a way, he has not used his college education at all for the careers he has chosen, except for the few years he worked as a nurse.
Hi I havent read any other posts so I hope Im not repetitive but I think both those career choices are fine for them. Nursing is a career that is around the clock and maybe one day when she has children she can work part time nights while her dh is home or maybe go back to school and become a physicians assistant or go even further with it. A mom at our bus stop works the night shift in labor & delivery. It works for her family.
As for teaching he is right unfortunately it can be a lower paying career however you cant beat the hours once you have children of your own in school you could be on the same schedule I worked at a school and loved it I had the same days off etc. Sometimes those things are worth more than the extra pay another career might provide.
I agree with you that you need to be as positive as you can and support them in their choices. I also think if they are being responsible and making an effort to choose career paths in the first place then they deserve support. Theres nothing worse than going to work to a job you hate and being stuck there. I read a qote once that went something like "if you have a hobby that you are passionate about thats great but if you can make a living out of what you are passionate about thats even better"
Just some thoughts. best of luck.
Terry
This post was interesting to me, because my DH is also a little bit like this (has struggled with depression, had a few different careers before the one he's in, doesn't LOVE his work). He would say that he's a realist - that I'm a bit too idealistic. We balance each other out, and that's fine, but it can be tiring to always be the "upbeat" person!
Anyway - just recently I had a long talk with my DD15 about careers, and tried to put DH's side in perspective. It helped her to see how he's made choices in his career, even if he doesn't feel passionate about what he does. And, it helped her think about what kinds of things she might want to do.
Maybe you and your DH can find a "compromise" - if he really feels like your DD couldn't handle nursing, maybe she can volunteer in a hospital for a summer to get a taste of it. Or maybe you can help your DD explain *why* she wants to do what she wants - either it will help her be more specific about what she wants, or you'll realize she has a over-romantic view of nursing, or your DH will see that she has a realistic view.
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