DH discouraging about careers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
DH discouraging about careers
12
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 3:14pm

I had a little spat w/ my DH this a.m. about the way he always seems to be negative toward my DD's choice of careers. She has decided she wants to be a nurse, which frankly I don't see her doing, but it's her life. I could see her more as a doctor. She is very smart, does well in science & math, but to me doesn't seem to have the compassion to be a nurse. Anyway, her stepmother is a nurse, and I'm sure she has talked to her about it. Now my DH used to be a nurse for a short time many years ago and since then has had different careers in things that are totally unrelated to the medical profession.

This a.m. the cat threw up in our bedroom (what a way to start the day at 5:30 a.m.) and as he was cleaning it up, he said "I should have DD clean this up if she wants to be a nurse. She will see the kind of gross things she will have to deal w ith." It's really annoying to me that every time I hear him talk about nursing, it's either that people will be throwing up, etc. and he thinks she won't be able to handle it, or you have to work nights, holidays and weekends, etc. I have never heard him say one good thing about nursing, although he said to me he has said this to her when I haven't been around. Now I assume she isn't an idiot and realizes that nursing has some gross aspects and obviously she knows about the bad hours cause her stepmother works nights, weekends and holidays. It just burns me up that he is always emphasizing the negative, which is just his normal personality. I feel like we should promote whatever the kids want to do and encourage them to get there.

And I guess it's not just my DD, because when his DD (who is 16) said she wants to be a teacher, his comment was that a lot of teachers have to take 2nd jobs or can't have the summer off because they don't make that much money. Well, maybe it's not as much money as some other jobs, but where we live it's a pretty good wage, plus they get all the benefits.

I feel that it's pretty hard to decide on a career and yes, maybe my DD will find out she doesn't really like nursing, like he did, but they have to start somewhere, so why discourage them right from the beginning? I don't really care what kind of job they have just as long as they can support themselves, so why not back them up? It just got me really annoyed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 12:34pm

You are right,of course. Learning doesn't ever have to stop. And one's first degree is just that, a first degree.

It is unreasonable to think that a young person will have their life mapped out at age 17 or 18 or even 22. They have had not enough life experience to know. That comes from trying new things. And,of course, nothing is lost. All learning is good. You might start in one career and actually enjoy it. But,in time, you decide to make a career change for one reason or not. Nothing is lost. You carry your experiences and skill sets to the next career and are "richer" for the experience.

I know a civil engineer who now manage a fishing lodge. I have an uncle (an engineer) who managed a trucking company. I know a physicist who now teaches a "wine appreciation course". I have heard of an engineer with a PHd who has a "flooring company". He puts floors into people's homes. As long as they are happy and are productive, that's all that matters. But they do have to be realistic about their choices of careers and keep their options open. ( I know so many kids who went off to college for B.As and B.Sc in the "soft sciences" and now find themselves at a loss to decide what to do next. )

There is one point that your DH is correct about and I have told my kids this as well.
At least in this country, if you want to keep your "head" above the crowd (and this is the if), a post-grad degree or additional training is a must. A B.A or B. Sc. is fast becoming the "entrance requirement" for most positions.

I don't know if it is like that in your country but is becoming like that here.
In fact, people with the equivalent of your associate degrees here are increasing becoming "unemployable" in their chosen fields.

I have told my kids that they should keep this in mind. Their formal education will most likely not stop after their Bachelor Degrees so they should not "close any doors". Their university education should be strong enough that,if they decide to, they will be eligible for graduate school or additional professional training. But they have to take each step as it comes.

I don't know about the nursing profession,would guess that because of the shortage of nurses, a graduate degree will not be that necessary in the future for advancement into management. However, you have to get a B.Nursing here to be a nurse, at an university. When I was young, you can go and get an "associate degree" and become a nurse. (By the way, a know a few kids that are using nursing as a route to Medical School).

Your DH does sound depressed about his life. You probably cannot get him to seek professional help but perhaps you can find a support group or talk to your doctor to help you deal with the impact of his depression on you and the kids. It sounds like his depression has stopped him from fully engaging in his life and has been a long-time condition,building over the years.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 4:18am

I've been reading the post as I find this topic one I have dealt with too but am responding to you now as I understand what you mean about your DH. My DH suffers from severe chronic depression and he is always negative. I don't believe he was this negative 31 year ago when I married him but rarely does a positive thought come out of his mouth. He too has had many careers and I believe it's because he thinks that next one will be better - it never is and neither is moving to a new employer. My kids are all in their 20s and so have learned to ignore DH's comments about careers or so I thought. My oldest 2 have graduated from university or college after taking degrees in subjects they wanted which were very good marketable choices. However, neither of them are using these degrees or doing jobs to use their knowledge. They are both working part time & playing at life. They pay their own way and talk about the future but seem to be in limbo. I'm starting wonder if it's because DH has never been happy at work and they are afraid that they won't be too so aren't trying too hard.

I'm the opposite of DH, I knew what I wanted to do throughout high school but due to the death of my Dad couldn't follow my dream. Instead I ended up in the business world where I am very successful because I have worked hard to ensure I found enjoyment in my work even if it wasn't my first choice.

Good luck with your DH, I truly believe that my DH's illness is what makes him so negative & jealous of others. Knowing this is one thing, living with it daily is another. Dee

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