DH & DSD aren't talking

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
DH & DSD aren't talking
10
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 12:22pm

To recap--a couple of weeks ago, DH & DSD had a terrible argument and she decided she had enough and went to live w/ her grandmother in another town.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 2:12pm

I think this was a good move. She needs to live elsewhere from her dad - and he needs to know that his past behavior has been all wrong. Then they can pick up the pieces a little at a time and grow. Hopefully they will find their way and become friendlier, let go of old grudges and figure out the kind of future relationship they want to have with one another. At this point she doesn't owe him a relationship. Yet, he doesn't necessarily need to be groveling. I think it's more about simply accepting the limitations of their relationship, kwim?


They

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 3:01pm
I really agree w/ you on this one but have been wondering how to approach it so he doesn't think I am telling him what to do, which he doesn't respond to well.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 3:26pm

Whenever I picked up my girls from their dad when they were much younger, he would say to them, "Now remember, call me. It's not right that you don't call me."

Avatar for imomtojd
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 4:39pm
I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in the middle of DH and DSD. I would gently encourage DH to call a minimum of once a week and at least leave a message asking how she's doing. If he's non-judgmental and doesn't start arguments, she may slowly but surely let him into her life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 6:17pm

Does your DH text message?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 7:12pm

DH communicates about concrete things with the boys. There is no just calling to check in and see how things are going.

So asking what she wants for Xmas and dealing with the car title are okay reasons to call IMO

Also, when DS1 moved out, there was a lull in communications. He was hurt and I was guilty and it just seemed we needed a break before we stepped into 'new relationship' territory. Dont assume its going to get worse-it may very well get better

And, DH definitely had more positive things to say about DS when he moved out. Now, part of that was the grief DS2 was giving us-by comparison, the oldest started looking good-LOL. But I also think that for some reason, in some way, he came to terms with things better without seeing it every day.

He was upset DS1 dropped out of college and every time he came home from the night shift it was reason to start in on how he'll never work days if he didnt go back to school. Hated when he worked and couldnt eat with us, etc. Once DS was out of the house, it just seemed to fizzle without those physical reminders.

Try to think of concrete reasons for him to call instead of just telling him to call; is she keeping her bank account at the same bank? Its time for her 6 mos dental checkup. Whatever works in your situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 12:22am

Sounds like it's going well with DSD living with her grandma.

Did your DH comment on her grades? Maybe you could say to him, "Hey, I bet DSD would like to hear a compliment from you. Did you let her know how glad you are that her report card turned out okay?" I'm just thinking that she must be dying to get some positive feedback from her dad. It's amazing how one little comment can boost a kid's self-esteem/confidence.

Hope things are smoothed out by Christmas.

(oops, this is for musiclover)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 6:38am

Hope your DH and DSD can find a small piece of peace - and that you don't get stuck too much in the middle. Encourage your DH - it will take more effort on his side - as the adult he may need to do just a little more than she does to bring about the "repair."

(((HUGS)))

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 10:09am

DH doesn't really text message--he barely knows how to use his cell phone to make calls.


He has called and left a few messages on her cell phone, which I think she purposely doesn't answer cause she has caller ID.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 10:11am
Yes he did call her to say that she got a good report card, but knowing the way DH communicates, which is basically to talk w/o thinking about what is coming out of his mouth first, he probably said something like "you got a good report card, see you could have been driving w/ your friends if you just could have waited a week" or something like that.