DH & DSD can't get along

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
DH & DSD can't get along
2
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 1:01pm

DH & his 17 yo DD have such a terrible relationship. It's getting to the point where I feel like getting a divorce cause I don't even respect him anymore (this isn't the only reason).

ON the one hand, DSD does things that she knows will get her into trouble. These are stupid things and it doesn't seem worth it to me that she will risk so much to do something so minor. For ex, she was always on the phone late at night, so DH told her to leave her cell phone downstairs when she went to bed. Then he found out that she was sneaking around after we went to bed, to come downstairs to get the phone to text people. This is just one example of how sometimes she does things that are really sneaky, she will lie about stuff she has done right to our faces, even if it's something that we can easily figure out, and she has even stolen money from us.

So on Sat., she borrowed the car to go to a mall that was some distance away. She was supposed to be home by 5:00 to pick up her DF from work. She called me at 3:30 and said that she has been delayed in traffic because there was a concert at a stadium in the area (true) and she was late getting to the mall, so could I pick up her dad. I said ok. He was very angry that she didn't ask him first so when she called at 6:30 from her friend's house, he told her to come home. (She was originally going to sleep over that girls' house). So he then proceeded to berate her, way over the top for what she had done, since in her mind, since I had said I would pick him up, there was no harm done. She told him that if I wasn't home or I said no, she still would have had time to pick him up. After a while, he was saying such mean things that I couldn't just sit there and listen so I told him he had to stop, that he could say what he wanted to w/o yelling or name calling and he just needed to control himself. I was so upset that after this ended, I had to leave the house.

So, what happened? She ended up sneaking out of the house around midnight, going to this girl's house and now she is there. Her DF had said that she couldn't use the car all week except to go to summer school (another problem) and to pick him up, he was going to check the mileage, etc. So now she is at her friend's house having a good time, I have no idea if she's going to school, which if she misses more than 2 classes, she won't get credit and I belive she took her bank book w/ her, which means that she has access to hundreds if not thousands of dollars. She had been babysitting for her aunt, but her aunt was on vacation this week. I have no idea if she's staying there for a week, for the rest of the summer, or what. Meanwhile, DH is trying to pretend he doesn't care.

Things had gotten so bad that DSD asked her grandmother if she could go live w/ her, but even though GM would tell DH what a bad job he is doing, she didn't want the responsibility of takig her in. I actually think that would be the best solution for everybody, because I think DSD would behave better over there since she gets along better w/ GM, therefore, there is no reason to defy her. I don't know if there's much for me to do in this situation. DSD hardly talks to me, never mind confiding in me. Each one of them looks at the problems as all being the other one's fault. They actually had joint counselling 2 yrs. ago, but it doesn't seem to have stuck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 3:37pm

don't know any answers for you, but sending you hugs. you can't make either of them change. too bad your no-so-dh is more willing to continue to alienate you both than to work on saving all of the relationships he has. i forget, are you doing any councelling of your own? not that you need it, seems like you're more together than the others, but it might help you to vent and learn some ways to deal with your h.

once again (((hugs)))

sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 4:29pm

Yes, I'm going by myself before I totally lose it. I told the T what has been going on (before this incident) and she agrees that DH has no insight into how his behavior affects his DD or why she might do what she does. She recommended a book, something like Changing Children's Behavior (now I can't remember if that's the right title) and DH immediately ordered it, but I don't even know if he would recognize himself if he read it.

I think the most important thing for kids is to know that no matter what they do, that their parents will always love them, even if the parents might get angry sometimes and punish them. I try to give my kids the message that they are important to me. If we have an argument and I feel like I overdid it, I will apologize. He gives his DD the message that he only cares about her when she does what he wants. At the same time, he criticizes her for only buttering him up when she wants to borrow the car or wants money.

If he takes time to think out a problem, it's ok, like when he found out she failed school and he talked to the guidance counsellor about options and decided that she should go to summer school rather than try to cram in 7 classes next year and hope she does well. In that case, even though she didn't like the idea of going to summer school, it wasn't a punishment, it was doing what was best for her. But when he reacts because he's angry, he just says anything that comes into his mind.