did I do it right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
did I do it right?
3
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 11:08pm
Ok, this story is a little long- DD is a freshman this year in new town as well as school. 1st qtr grades were what I call bad all b's & c's. I know others may not agree with me, but even though she's no gifted student she is bright(teachers & standard test agree that she's not doing as well as she can). I sat her down had a talk about how grades do matter in high school because of future college etc etc. I thought she understood, but then the grades didn't go up. I'm in luck because all parents have access to class grades through the computer. I stepped in with no social activities for grades under 79. Seemed to work for a week or 2 but then they started drifting again. But, I did realize that since each grade did weigh in because of the 1st qtr I went from week to week. Then finals came in Jan & nothing was better. I sat down with the guidance couselor (whose daughter is a friend of my dd)& came up with a plan. 1st, SHE talked to her & got her to understand-I thought- the idea of the importance of it, & also she brought home a report from the teachers each Fri. with her grades. All seemed well til I just got the mid term report in the mail...all Cs!!! So I called the guidance counselor again & said I just don't understand- all the teachers & I are going to have a meeting today about it to make sure they understand my goal & that we're on the same page about it. I'm not at all angry about the differences from thier view- just want to work together. BUT, when I told my daughter about the problems, she got pretty nervous then finally confessed that she'd changed 1 grade on the same class each week so she could do the weekend activities.
BOY did I lose it!!!! So, she's grounded for 3 weeks since that's how many weeks the grade tampering effect the 1 class- she kept doing it- & I'm still concerned about the mix ups in all the other classes. Most of all, though, I'm also worried about the lying. I did think up 1 thing- she just got old enough for a driver's permit, but I said since she's demonstrated that she's not trustworthy enough to be behind the wheel.
So I've got 2 problems. Understanding that school IS a responsibility now but also that lying does not pay plus morally wrong!!!
I know I'm ranting but has anyone else ever had either or both probs & have any ideas on how to work with correcting them??? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 11:36pm

It's virtually impossible to motivate someone else to do something they don't want to do. Even fear of punishment or repercussion only works for the short term -- in the end they always find a way to go back to what they wanted to do originally. That doesn't mean you should give up but what it does mean is that you need to find a way for her to movitate herself. And she has to do so because SHE cares about doing well and not because she wants to please you or not miss out on weekend activities or get a driver's licence etc etc. There's only so long you can cut these things out and she knows that.

I've said it before in other posts but I believe what makes all the difference is for teens to have some goal, some passion, some inner vision about what they love to do and want to accomplish. And when they find something they love and understand what it takes to achieve that goal, they will go for it, with little prodding.

So try to discover your daughters gifts and talents and talk to her about her dreams. Don't dismiss anything she says. If she says she loves fashion design talk to her about understanding geometry and art and taking fashion and sewing classes. If she says she wants to be an actress talk to her about the importance of English literature and history and psychology and all other form of humanities courses. Teens see successful people and have little clue about what it takes to become and stay successful. Maybe you should discover who she admires and research what they did.

As she grows older it needs to be a collaborative process and it needs to be about learning and getting good grades at the things that will make a difference in her future career. But she needs to see and understand the vision and the plan to get there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:16am

Just a thought, but I recently gave my 8th grade son one of those books listing 300 plus colleges where they briefly describe their programs and what they they require in terms of grades, test scores etc. . . . I also gave him a book I think entitled something like how to get into the college of your dreams. The bulk of that dealt with filling out applications etc. . . but the first 50 pages or so was on structuring your high school schedules and the like. He immediately checked out the schools he was interested in and was surprised to see what kind of grades were needed. That has proven pretty motivating in terms of setting next year's schedule. It might work for you. If you have not yet done so, you might also want to check out some campuses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:17am

Well, where to start? First off, I understand the frustration you feel when your DD brings home average grades when you know she is capable of better. Changing her grades definitely calls for some consequence, and I think the punishment you doled out fits the crime.

My DD is 14, and also a freshman this year. She has always gotten excellent grades while putting forth minimal effort. We don't have a high school in our community so basically, we can pick where our children attend school after 8th grade. DD's choice was a private Catholic college prep school. Different school, different curriculum, different everything. While she's still pulling excellent grades, she's finding that she actually has to do a little work for them this year. In fact, for the first time ever, she got a B in English. She got A's in all her other classes and English has always been her strongest subject, but it's more difficult now. She worked hard, did all her classwork and homework, spend hours after school with her English teacher for additional tutoring, but still didn't get the A she wanted. (For the first time in 3 years, she doesn't have a 4.0, and she is NOT happy.)

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because like my DD, not only did your DD start high school, she did it in a NEW school and in a NEW town. That right there is a nerve wracking and stressful situation in itself and something I think you need to consider. I wonder if the curriculum in this new school is just a little bit more challenging than what's she's used to. Then add in the 'new kid' factor, trying to fit in, make friends, etc. -- you can bet it's tough, and the 'fitting in' factor likely weighed in more heavily for your DD than academics did.

It's possible (and this is what I think may be happening) that she wasn't quite 'getting it', (for lack of better words) or was a little behind early on which is why her 1st quarter grades were B's & C's. I don't think I'm saying this especially well, but when you think of subjects like Algebra, if you don't 'get it' in week 3, by week 6, you're completely lost. So if your DD was behind to start with at the beginning (and since she wasn't getting the A's you thought she would, it's a likely possibility) of the school year, she'd likely get more behind, and comprehend less as the year progressed.

I think meeting with the teachers is a good idea. I think having your DD there is a good idea too, but I think you might need to backtrack a little and learn at which point in the school year she feels she 'lost' it, so to speak, or fell behind and arrange for tutoring or the opportunity to work with her teachers and go back to square 1, or 5, or 10, or wherever she needs to go. If she's not understanding the work at this point, no amount of talking about how important it is will sink in unless she understands the work that has to be done. If she doesn't get it, she can't do it and can't do it well.

I'm sure her teachers, like you, want your DD to do well in school and improve her grades. It's most likely going to take a cooperative effort from everyone to help your DD get her grades back up. Perhaps you can come up with some clever and creative ways to keep her motivated and reward her with little treats along the way.

Just some thoughts -- hopefully not so jumbled that they don't make sense.

Good luck.