Did I do the right thing???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Did I do the right thing???
11
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 2:19am
Hi all, i'm a mom of three girls, 10, 13 and 16. My 16 year old has had the same boyfriend for almost a year. We just now told her he isn't alowed over here anymore and am wondering if i'm doing the right thing.
Let me start with why we don't like him. They fight ALL the time, it effects her alot and the whole family because of the moods she gets in when they are fighting, when they fight he has said some terrible things to her that she has told me about, the worst one being, she is so low, she is like scum on the bottom of his shoe. He has broken up with her at least 4 times and then wants her back and she just forgives him like it was nothing. She does tell me she says mean things to him also but he always starts the mean comments. I pick her up from high school and I actually saw him get in her face when they were fighting. His family has major issues, one being the brother of the boyfriend molesting the sister who is 14, the brother being 17. My daughter was told this by the mother and NOT to tell us. She has also told my daughter things that she shouldn't be talking about with her, she talks about my husband and I and how we should watch our finances, and scoffed at the car my husband bought. She uses the f word around her, but NOT her son, she told my daughter how she is on prozac and her husband dosn't know. Just things she shouldn't tell my 16 year old. The son has adhd and that is always the excuse for all he does. I could go on and on, but I just wanted to get your opinions on this.
Of course my daughter is very upset at this. Please give me your thoughts if I did the right thing, thanks so much!!! Marla

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:25am

I think you did the right thing!

Although, teens are teens and she will probably go over there anyway. Maybe try softening it so she can only go there once a week (or whatever. i don't know often she visits) and the same for his visiting at your place. Also, maybe limit some of the social time they have out in public places (like the movies). If they tend to go out Friday AND Saturday, let it only be one day.

His behavior is definitely something to be concerned about and sounds like his role models are less than stellar.

You could even consider having a conversation with his parents expressing your concerns----but be careful that the conversation doesn't turn accusatory or they will go on the defensive and definitely not be cooperative!

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 7:52am
I don't blame you a bit. This sounds a like a relationship that I would absolutely not encourage. You do realize though that she'll see him if she wants to though, just not at your house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:12am
Although as a mother I agree he's not good for your DD, we both realize IF she wants to continue seeing him, she will, only it won't be around you. Knowing that, I personally would rather have this bum in my house more so that I could continue to witness things, be strong for my own DD and even step in IF I had to. In addition, I'd continue talking about what the word "respect" actually means to your DD and how as a female, she should expect/demand more in a relationship. Often, what begins as verbal abuse turns to physical.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:10am

I think you are right in discouraging the relationship, however you need to be careful.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:52am

I agree; I'd rather they be in MY home so I had a clue as to what was going on. And the more open your home is, the less time they will spend with the dysfunctional family

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:42am

First of all hugs to you for being a concerned and watchful parent. I know this is very hard on you. I've been through a similar thing with DD's ex b/f. I lost sleep and stayed physically sick. Please, please take care of yourself.

I believe that one of my responsibilities as a parent is to protect my child's physical and emotional well-being until she is able to do that herself. As they get older, it gets harder and harder for us to do and eventually we reach a point where we have to say to our child I can't do this for you anymore. SIXTEEN is NOT that point. She is still not fully mature, physically or emotionally, so it's still your responsibility. However, because she is almost there, you have to try to work with her. I'm sure you have tried everything in the book before you got to this point. I had to. I was very fortunate that my DD and her b/f had broken up when I had to issue my own personal version of a restraining order. His grandmother and I had a little chat and both agreed that this was necessary so we each talked to our own kids. We talked to the school administrator and they talked to the kids. Both kids new they would be in trouble if they talked, looked or even waved at each other.

Since his mother a large part of the problem, I wouldn't involve her. That would only make things worse. I would, however, sit them both down together explain your new rules. Then go to the school administrators. Explain your concerns to them (include DD's teachers). Chances are the boy's already got a few raised eyebrows with administration and this will just make them a little more cautious.

Also, this was the topic of Dr Phil yesterday. You might check out his Web site and see what he has to say. It was a very interesting show.

BTW, my DD now understands completely and agreees with my decision. At the time, she was very angry and resentful with me. I was trying to control her life, I was manipulating him, I was a horrible mother that did not understand anything or care at all about her, etc. Now she realizes that she was an emotional wreck b/c of this boy's involvement in her life. She understands that she had to "give him up" cold turkey to get her life back on track.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:31am

Thank you for your responses. First off, I am not allowing her to go over to his house either, it's just not a healthy place. When he comes here it is very upsetting to my husband, he can't STAND him and his family. It causes major stress in our family life. My husband won't look at him or talk to him or even say hi. He dosn't want him here. So that's why last night we finally said he can't come over anymore. He is only 15 and my daughter dosn't drive yet so they really don't go anywhere together unless I take them to the mall or eachothers houses. I agree with the forbidden fruit thing and am worried about that. Will I totally push my daughter away into his waiting arms? My daughter and I have been very close up to this point, that is how I know all that is going on in their relationship, she has told me. Now I feel she won't trust me to tell me anything. I'm so confused as to what to do. My husband is so against her seeing him anymore. I'm so confused.
And here when my kids were lil I always thought it would be easier when they got older!!!!! HA HA HA what a joke!!!! I long for the days when they worship you and were all cuddly and sweet!!! God help me, what do I do??? :-(

oh and i'm gonna check out Dr. Phils site, thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 3:55pm

I'm a little confused about your dd's bf. Was that the one (you got the restraining order for) that has drinking problems, or is this a new bf?

I'm glad she saw the light with the old bf, if that is the case. Maybe she will do the same eventually for the alcoholic bf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 7:07pm

You are perfectly within your rights to insist they limit their time together. Sure you can't STOP them from hanging out at school or maybe getting together w/o your knowledge but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

I'd say that what I suggest over and over again is to get your daughter involved in SOMETHING ELSE. And preferably something where she'd have no contact with this boy. Maybe she could meet other more "together" boys. If she has a history of choosing the wrong guys, maybe you have to try to throw her in environments where they are less of an issue.

Some thoughts: church youth group, sports teams, dance classes, a part time job, or music lessons. Think of what she really enjoys doing and see if you can find a way for her to spend time on something other than "boyfriends".

I strongly believe that kids with a passion and goals and who focus on their own personal growth and development are less likely to seek out unhealthy relationships AND are more likely to have a high enough self-esteem to demand a little higher standard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:45am

Huggs to you, I know it's hard seeing your daughter go through this. Please check out the links below. It sounds like your daughter is experiencing domestic violence and maybe you can help her so that it doesn't become a pattern. You don't have to be married to experience domestic violence, and you don't have to be hit or beat up, there are other more damaging ways to hurt someone. There is a lot of information that you will find here that I think will be inlightening.

Please check out this link to recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25520.1
You can also find a lot of information on Domestic violence here: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

Pages