Did we overstep our bounds?
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Did we overstep our bounds?
| Thu, 09-06-2007 - 5:08pm |
My DD's bf is Dan. They don't always get along and have been fightiong a lot lately. He has broken up with her a few times for various reasons. In fact, the other day he broke up with her for only about 30 minutes because he found out that I said she can't see him on school nights - she has to focus on school. He doesn't think it will work if they can't see eachother more. He called her back right away to say he didn't want to break up.
It has been an ongoing struggle with Dan in acknowledging her family and our rules. He doesn't want to come over to her house because he claims me and her dad don't like him and he's all nervous. This is silly because I am always cordial with him when I have the chance to say hello and ask him how he is doing. Yes, last Spring (quite a long time ago), I did send him home when they were not following the rules of the house. I discovered him laying on her bed and her strattling him and I said "this steps over our boundaries!" and told him to go home. But that was a long time ago. They are no longer allowed to go to her room. Anyway, they often go to his house because apparently things are much more permissive there. They are allowed in his room and yes, they have been in trouble with all of us parents for messing around WHEN HIS PARENTS ARE THERE.
Since then, we have been slowly trying to mend fences with him. We had him over for dinner and watched a movie together, etc and we didn't KILL him or put him on the spot. But he still doesn't seem to want to come in when he comes over. Recently, I told her to tell him that when he comes over, he could come inside to say hello to ME and her dad because he should show her parents some respect instead of just hanging outside with her. He calls her on his cell phone when he is in front of our house to tell her he is there but doesn't come to the door to knock. What ever happened to knocking or ringing the doorbell?
So yesterday, my husband kind of confronted him. I really didn't want him to, but he wanted to say something directly to him instead of "through our daughter." He went to the front door and saw Dan standing there so he respectfully said, "You can come in to see our daughter. She's inside. You can come in to say hello to us too you know." Well, DD was LIVID. She was very upset and said he will surely break up with her now. I told her that that wouldn't happen and if it does, he isn't right for her.
After my husband had said what he said, I had said to Dan, "Hey, it's just a sign of respect. If we are going to mend this relationship, we all have to make an effort". Dan had said OK and then came in to our house and said hi to her and then left. Everything seemed fine and we thought DD had perhaps overreacted. But when he got home, he called her to break up with her. He said he can't "deal" with her family being all over him. His "bad influence" friend had agreed and told him to break up with her.
I feel very bad about the whole thing because this time it is because of us. I admit, my husband can be a little intimidating at times - especially to a teen boy doing his daughter. You can tell he doesn't love the guy. But on the other hand, I am really sick of this kid breaking DD's heart and being sort of disrespectful. Is it too much to ask that he come and say hello to her parents? She wanted him to meet her grandparents recently (it meant a lot to her) but he backed out and made an excuse not to come over.
I feel bad for her that he has been breaking up with her a lot and says it won't work. He doesn't seem to be the right one for her because they don't have much in common and they are only 16, WAY TOO YOUNG to have such a serious relationship, but I didn't want US to be the reason he is breaking up with her. I wanted her to be able to go to Homecoming this fall and the Junior Prom which she was all excited about - but we may have ruined that for her.
What is your honest opinion?
It has been an ongoing struggle with Dan in acknowledging her family and our rules. He doesn't want to come over to her house because he claims me and her dad don't like him and he's all nervous. This is silly because I am always cordial with him when I have the chance to say hello and ask him how he is doing. Yes, last Spring (quite a long time ago), I did send him home when they were not following the rules of the house. I discovered him laying on her bed and her strattling him and I said "this steps over our boundaries!" and told him to go home. But that was a long time ago. They are no longer allowed to go to her room. Anyway, they often go to his house because apparently things are much more permissive there. They are allowed in his room and yes, they have been in trouble with all of us parents for messing around WHEN HIS PARENTS ARE THERE.
Since then, we have been slowly trying to mend fences with him. We had him over for dinner and watched a movie together, etc and we didn't KILL him or put him on the spot. But he still doesn't seem to want to come in when he comes over. Recently, I told her to tell him that when he comes over, he could come inside to say hello to ME and her dad because he should show her parents some respect instead of just hanging outside with her. He calls her on his cell phone when he is in front of our house to tell her he is there but doesn't come to the door to knock. What ever happened to knocking or ringing the doorbell?
So yesterday, my husband kind of confronted him. I really didn't want him to, but he wanted to say something directly to him instead of "through our daughter." He went to the front door and saw Dan standing there so he respectfully said, "You can come in to see our daughter. She's inside. You can come in to say hello to us too you know." Well, DD was LIVID. She was very upset and said he will surely break up with her now. I told her that that wouldn't happen and if it does, he isn't right for her.
After my husband had said what he said, I had said to Dan, "Hey, it's just a sign of respect. If we are going to mend this relationship, we all have to make an effort". Dan had said OK and then came in to our house and said hi to her and then left. Everything seemed fine and we thought DD had perhaps overreacted. But when he got home, he called her to break up with her. He said he can't "deal" with her family being all over him. His "bad influence" friend had agreed and told him to break up with her.
I feel very bad about the whole thing because this time it is because of us. I admit, my husband can be a little intimidating at times - especially to a teen boy doing his daughter. You can tell he doesn't love the guy. But on the other hand, I am really sick of this kid breaking DD's heart and being sort of disrespectful. Is it too much to ask that he come and say hello to her parents? She wanted him to meet her grandparents recently (it meant a lot to her) but he backed out and made an excuse not to come over.
I feel bad for her that he has been breaking up with her a lot and says it won't work. He doesn't seem to be the right one for her because they don't have much in common and they are only 16, WAY TOO YOUNG to have such a serious relationship, but I didn't want US to be the reason he is breaking up with her. I wanted her to be able to go to Homecoming this fall and the Junior Prom which she was all excited about - but we may have ruined that for her.
What is your honest opinion?

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What is my honest opinion?
I don't believe it's overly rude to do the cell phone thing with an established relationship. In the beginning, I think its reasonable to meet and greet but I, personally, would not have a problem with an established GF pulling in the drive and calling one of my sons on the cell.
I'm thinking that if YOU see your DH as possibly intimidating, the kid is likely shaking in his shoes. I would go with the 'draw more bees with honey...' approach myself but I tend to lean that way to a fault!
Let him be the cell phone kid on a 'daily' basis and then invite the two for dinner or a DVD once every couple weeks.
This is assuming he gets back together with her again which sounds likely from the history-sighhhh......
There was some discussion of this in the 'rude' thread and I think we are all different in our expectations of greeting and socializing behavior. You might want to read that one as it is somewhat relevant
To answer your main question: NO!
" US to be the reason he is breaking up with her" - you are not. He makes his own choices. If she tries to lay the blame on you, gently place it back on the shoulders of who it belongs to.
My girls don't date yet, but I've got mannnnny years ahead for it. They're 15, almost 13, 5, almost 2, so there'll be plenty of time for me to take my own advice. I've got it set in my head that if the guy can come over to my house to pick up my girl, then he can at least come and knock on the door. It'll be a rare time when he's going to be allowed to pick her up with just a phone call. Good grief, it takes longer to dial the phone and wait for somebody to answer it than walking to the door. I guess it'd be quicker if your drive is a mile long, but that's not likely the case.
Why should you and your DH always be the one to try and mend fences? Seems like he is the one who overstepped bounds, and not only once. And, if it were my DD16, I'd be very hesitant to allow her to go over to his parents house. Pretty bold if you're doing "stuff" while your parents are right there, KWIM?
No, Mom, you did not do the wrong thing. Just gently stick to your guns and remind your daughter she should expect as much respect be given to her as she is supposed to be giving to him. Relationships are a two-way street.
Sallie
Not exactly the answer to the question you asked, but IMHO you and your DH need to help your daughter learn how to set boundaries and to EXPECT a respectful relationship from boys/men. Separate from whether the bf is nice/respectful to you, he is clearly, without a doubt, over the edge disrespectful to your DD. He is using "breaking up" or the threat of it to scare and manipulate your daughter, and this is as good a time as any to teach her how to be her own strong person. If this were my daughter, I wouldn't tell her what to do, but I would talk to her about what a good bf is, what kinds of things she should expect from friendships and boyfriends in particular, and how to stand up for herself.
In your whole post, your DD sounds very passive. He breaks up with her. He takes her back. You and your DH talk to him - where was she in this? Teach your DD to be less passive and more active in forming her life.
Sue
It sounds to me (speaking from experience), that your daughter and this boy are involved in a sexual relationship. This is the way boys act when they have someting to hide from the parents. 16 is far too young to be a victim of domestic violence, but that is exactly what this is. Check out some teen violence websites and try to show them to your daughter. She also needs to set her own boundaries with guys before it is too late. You did not overstep your boundaries, it is our job as parents to protect our children from ahrm, and sometimes this may mean hurting them a little emotionally to keep them from being devastated. You seem to have given this boy every opportunity to do the right thing, and it is time for you to nip this in the bud, stand your ground, and show your daughter that you are the parents. And if all else fails, get a restraining order to stop him from emotionally abusing her. Good Luck!
I say good riddins! Your daughter deserves better and he is just trying to manipulate her and if she has been getting angry with you, it has been working. My DS had a GF that we just forced the break up about 3 weeks ago, and yes we had other reasons, but it was a very unhealthy relationship and one of the things that my DH and I didn't like was that she was sooooooo manipulitive to get what she wanted, including making DS angry with us. Well, the first week was tough, but just the other night, DS was laying on our bed talking to us and he said, boy this hasn't been easy, but I am so glad you and dad didn't give up :) The GF is NOT letting go easy and although DS hasn't had ANY contact with her, she is going through every channel she can think of to get to ds. What is funny is that I often felt and now for sure, it wasn't about my DS or "loving" him, it waies that she wasn't going to "let his parents win" Sound familiar? I hope that your DD can see through this boys behavior!!! She really deserves better :)
Jul
Domestic violence and a restraining order?
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