Did we overstep our bounds?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Did we overstep our bounds?
15
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 5:08pm
My DD's bf is Dan. They don't always get along and have been fightiong a lot lately. He has broken up with her a few times for various reasons. In fact, the other day he broke up with her for only about 30 minutes because he found out that I said she can't see him on school nights - she has to focus on school. He doesn't think it will work if they can't see eachother more. He called her back right away to say he didn't want to break up.

It has been an ongoing struggle with Dan in acknowledging her family and our rules. He doesn't want to come over to her house because he claims me and her dad don't like him and he's all nervous. This is silly because I am always cordial with him when I have the chance to say hello and ask him how he is doing. Yes, last Spring (quite a long time ago), I did send him home when they were not following the rules of the house. I discovered him laying on her bed and her strattling him and I said "this steps over our boundaries!" and told him to go home. But that was a long time ago. They are no longer allowed to go to her room. Anyway, they often go to his house because apparently things are much more permissive there. They are allowed in his room and yes, they have been in trouble with all of us parents for messing around WHEN HIS PARENTS ARE THERE.

Since then, we have been slowly trying to mend fences with him. We had him over for dinner and watched a movie together, etc and we didn't KILL him or put him on the spot. But he still doesn't seem to want to come in when he comes over. Recently, I told her to tell him that when he comes over, he could come inside to say hello to ME and her dad because he should show her parents some respect instead of just hanging outside with her. He calls her on his cell phone when he is in front of our house to tell her he is there but doesn't come to the door to knock. What ever happened to knocking or ringing the doorbell?

So yesterday, my husband kind of confronted him. I really didn't want him to, but he wanted to say something directly to him instead of "through our daughter." He went to the front door and saw Dan standing there so he respectfully said, "You can come in to see our daughter. She's inside. You can come in to say hello to us too you know." Well, DD was LIVID. She was very upset and said he will surely break up with her now. I told her that that wouldn't happen and if it does, he isn't right for her.

After my husband had said what he said, I had said to Dan, "Hey, it's just a sign of respect. If we are going to mend this relationship, we all have to make an effort". Dan had said OK and then came in to our house and said hi to her and then left. Everything seemed fine and we thought DD had perhaps overreacted. But when he got home, he called her to break up with her. He said he can't "deal" with her family being all over him. His "bad influence" friend had agreed and told him to break up with her.

I feel very bad about the whole thing because this time it is because of us. I admit, my husband can be a little intimidating at times - especially to a teen boy doing his daughter. You can tell he doesn't love the guy. But on the other hand, I am really sick of this kid breaking DD's heart and being sort of disrespectful. Is it too much to ask that he come and say hello to her parents? She wanted him to meet her grandparents recently (it meant a lot to her) but he backed out and made an excuse not to come over.

I feel bad for her that he has been breaking up with her a lot and says it won't work. He doesn't seem to be the right one for her because they don't have much in common and they are only 16, WAY TOO YOUNG to have such a serious relationship, but I didn't want US to be the reason he is breaking up with her. I wanted her to be able to go to Homecoming this fall and the Junior Prom which she was all excited about - but we may have ruined that for her.

What is your honest opinion?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:54pm

Boy this could have been written by me two years ago. My DD was a senior in high school, pretty popular but had never to that point had a serious relationship. Her boyfriend must be now dating your DD because he fits her ex to a T. I still refer to him as the boyfriend from hell because he was such a jerk and sorry but this one sounds the same. Well let me tell you that you should stick to your guns and good for your husband for showing his daughter that he respects not only you and his home, but his daughter as well. My daughter stayed with this boy for too long and exploded many times over him, but we learned that if we focused on her bad behavior with respect to him it went better and guess what. He eventually showed all his true colors, broke her heart and she mended. And to this day she is sorry she ever met him.

Stick to your rules and boundries but ultimately she'll have to decide for herself what's more important, and until she grows up a bit and matures it's your job to help her protect herself.

Good luck, it's hard I know.

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 8:01am

Ya Pam, I think DS was glad we were the "bad" guys too :) DH said he feels like DS has a "sparkle" in his eye that was missing and we are very happy. I hope for that girls sake that she will "let go" soon as she really is missing out on all she has in front of her at college. I think her actions are solitifying to DS though that this was the girl that his dad and I saw all along so that is one good thing! How are your guys doing? I hope all is going well :)

Julie

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 8:52am
I think that what you did was right and the outcome is a good one for your dd.
Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:38am
I feel that your dh was right and he should come into the house. My dh would have made a bigger scene, lol. Jr Prom is in the spring, that is a long way off. Even homecoming is a few weeks away, in teen daing land, that is quite a lot of time. I would be talking to her about what she wants from a guy. Does she like being yo yoed back and forth? What would she day to a friend who had similar relationships?

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:48am

I haven't read all the replies yet, but I am reminded of an incident where my DD was doing a school project w/ some kids and one of the boys came to pick her up. I know she had a crush on him, but he was her friend's bf, but of course he was cute, smart, star athlete, the whole package. Well, since he wasn't a date, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had just beeped the horn, but he came and rang the doorbell. When I made a comment about that, he just said that he wasn't the kind of person who would just beep the horn (and I could see why DD just loved this guy). This young man respected himself enough to want to have good manners.

So no, I don't think that you were really being too overbearing, although when kids have been dating for a while, I don't think it's too bad for the guy not to come in the house every time. The might be in a hurry to go to a movie and not have time for a chat.

But I remember when I was dating back in the old days. Of course, it was expected for the boy to come in the house and greet the parents and my dad could be kind of intimidating, just his natural personality, not that he meant to be. Well, boys put up w/ that then because it was just expected of everyone to have to meet the parents. I think if this boy really liked your DD, he would go along w/ your rules and this is just an excuse. After all, what are you really asking him to do that's so difficult? To come in and say hi and not to be groping your DD in her bedroom. As the book says "he's just not that into you."

Pages