Differences with Husband in Parenting
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Differences with Husband in Parenting
| Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:44pm |
Hello everyone, I have a 13 year old DS and 16 year old DD. My husband does
not always agree with my parenting. He says I am "all over" them. I just
keep telling him that it is my job as a parent to be aware of what, where,
when and why. Yesterday my son went out at 2PM. I did speak to him several
times during the day. He stopped home at about 8:00 PM because I told him
I wanted to physically see him. When he stopped home I was asking questions like
who were you with, where were you, etc. In front of my son, my husband yells
from the kitchen "stop interrogating him. He's out having fun. Would you
rather he just be in the house watching TV". I was really pissed off that
he reprimanded me in front of my son. When my son left I told my husband
that is was fine that he disagree with me, but that he should not do things
like that in front of our son, do it when we are alone. I also told him that
he is not home often enough to see what goes on. Even when he is home he is
oblivious to what is going on around him. I said I am the one home watching him
and he said "you're not watching him, he's out". Does anyone else have
parenting differences with their spouse and how do you handle it. When my son
finally came in for the night at 10 I again said where did you come from etc.
At this point his answer was "why are you being so nosy". I don't feel he
would have said anything like that had it not been for my husband's comment.
not always agree with my parenting. He says I am "all over" them. I just
keep telling him that it is my job as a parent to be aware of what, where,
when and why. Yesterday my son went out at 2PM. I did speak to him several
times during the day. He stopped home at about 8:00 PM because I told him
I wanted to physically see him. When he stopped home I was asking questions like
who were you with, where were you, etc. In front of my son, my husband yells
from the kitchen "stop interrogating him. He's out having fun. Would you
rather he just be in the house watching TV". I was really pissed off that
he reprimanded me in front of my son. When my son left I told my husband
that is was fine that he disagree with me, but that he should not do things
like that in front of our son, do it when we are alone. I also told him that
he is not home often enough to see what goes on. Even when he is home he is
oblivious to what is going on around him. I said I am the one home watching him
and he said "you're not watching him, he's out". Does anyone else have
parenting differences with their spouse and how do you handle it. When my son
finally came in for the night at 10 I again said where did you come from etc.
At this point his answer was "why are you being so nosy". I don't feel he
would have said anything like that had it not been for my husband's comment.

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Your son should not be wandering the streets till 10PM at night. HE IS ONLY 13!!
Your husband needs to grow up and realise that he is not your son's buddy but HIS FATHER.
You are not the big bad mean mother. She are his wife and the mother of his children.
I seriously suggest that the two of you go to a parenting course and/or marriage conseilling. He needs it. He is teaching his son to DISRESPECT a WOMAN's OPINION. How would he like it if you talk down to him,negated a decision of his, infront of the kids.
Go out one evening,just the two of you. Tell him in no uncertain terms that parents HAVE TO PRESENT A UNITED FRONT. The two of you come up with a list of rules.
Good Luck
I agree with you on two counts - your 13yo should not be out for 7 hours without you knowing where he is and what he's doing *and* you and your DH should talk about differences away from your son.
Maybe you can say to your DH that knowing where your son is and what he's doing is not "interrogating him" and ask him (DH) for input on how to get that information in a way that's more supporting. I agree with him that being out of the house is better than sitting watching TV, but only if what DS is doing is safe and legal, especially safe. My DD sometimes thinks I spend too much time thinking of all the bad things that could happen, but I also know that teenagers who have large chunks of unsupervised time are more likely to get into trouble. This is well established.
Maybe that's another way to approach your DH. Do some internet research on teens and supervision.
Also, talk to your DS. Make it clear what your expetations are, and don't let him push you off by being rude to you. He's hoping you'll give up - that you'll want to avoid "interrogating" him - and eventually leave him alone. Don't do that! Stick to your guns. My DD tried this once or twice - and I've even said to her "rolling your eyes won't make me stop asking you questions"
Hang in there. This parenting thing is tough, especially if a spouse is not supportive.
Sue
It sounds like everyone thought you were talking about a 13 yo, not a 16 yo. Big difference! I have a 16ds who does the same sort of thing - he has a huge circle of friends, and he is always off here or there. I also insist he tell me where he is going, with whom, and when he will be back. However, we may not talk several times during the day as you describe doing so with your son.
You probably just need a little more 'finesse' in your technique. For example, this sounds like interrogating:
where were you?
who were you with?
what were you doing?
for how long?
then what did you do?
in rapid fire succession.
This doesn't sound like interrogating:
Hi, hon, you're back. (we missed you) Did you have a good time?
What did you all do? (I went to the store and got your favorite snack)
Was your friend, "?" there too? ( I talked to his mother yesterday)
This is more like a conversation, and may essentially accomplish the same thing.
It sounds like your biggest problem is that your dh does not support you. Is this the first time he has done something like this? I agree with the others, you must present a united front. He can disagee with you in private. Don't be surprised if he tells you that this is time that teen boys start to pull away and take baby steps toward "becoming a man". I know, your little boy! I've just recently had this talk with my dh. It came up b/c I've been bugging ds to get a job. It would be a good experience for him, and I certainly don't want him wasting his entire summer goofing off. When I was checking in with ds, I found out he and his friends had not gone to apply for jobs, like they had planned. I think he should apply at the local grocery store, and he said he would. Ds has now decided he'd rather work at an ice cream shop. I can't get it through his thick skull he may not get his "dream" job first time off, kwim? I was irritated (not the first time) and ds actually said to me, "It's not your place to decide where I work." Harruumph. Well, he's actually right. This is him, exerting his manhood, taking those baby steps. He didn't insult me, he said it respectfully. Guess what? I still didn't like it.
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No mix up on my part. The OP said (clearly)she had a 13yo DS and a 16yo DD, and then spoke about her son....who is clearly 13 and too young to have the degree of freedom she describes.
Sorry about that...guess I'm the one who goofed. Sometimes I think I'm dyslexic.
Yeah, I agree 13 is too young for that kind of freedom. As I've said, this is what my 16 ds does, and that's quite a difference!
I'm not sure we have the ages right, but if you are talking about a 13 y.o., I think you should know where he is & what he's doing at all times. I have a 10 (almost 11) y.o. DS & 17 y.o. DD. I am already training my son to call and ask me before he goes to someone's house in the neighborhood. This is really the first year he is old enough to walk or ride his bike to a friend's house. My DD has a lot more freedom and now has her own car, so she can basically go wherever she wants, but if I get home from work and she's not home, I will call her cell phone and ask where are you and when are you coming home? I know she's not doing anything wrong, and it doesn't bother her. If she ever said anything, I would say that it's important I know these things for her safety. If she told me she was at work and getting out at 9:00 and she wasn't home at 10:00, then I would know there was a problem. I would hate to think of her not coming home and then calling the police and having to tell them, I have no idea where my child was and who she was with. Maybe if you brought up that point to your DH, he might think about that.
Also, I know there are groups of kids who I see wandering around my neighborhood even late at night. We live in a nice suburb, so it's not like they are shooting each other or things that happen in the city, but I know those are the kids who are hanging in the woods and drinking, smoking and probably trying drugs too cause my DD has told me this. Of course, it's because they have too much unsupervised time. When my DD was younger and I had to drive her, obviously I knew what friend's house she was going to or if they were at the movies or the mall, it was always someone's parent driving. I never let her just wander around unsupervised.
The houses are attached to each other and there is a pizza place, deli, italian ices place, etc. right in close walking distances and that's what the kids do. They go from place to place, see who is there, walk to another place. This is with boys and girls. It's not like I am the only mother who is letting her son do this, it's a lot of boys
from my son's school as well. I check my son everytime he comes home, I smell his breath and his clothes. So far, nothing, but if I ever do catch him in something, he will be punished for it. My mother was still telling me at 22 when to come home and how many nights a week I could go out (long story), so I don't want to be that way with my son, but I don't want to go overboard either. They always say the city kids gets into trouble. In my family's case that is the opposite, we have most of our family member who live in the country and I cannot even begin to talk about all the problems. There have been quite a few teenage pregnancies, getting beaten up, stealing, etc. So far neither of my kids has gotten into anything remotely close to that and I am thankful, I just want to keep a watchful eye.
I live in a city also (NYC) and I notice that my DD14 (almost 15)has alot more freedom than many other kids her age - simply because she *can* travel more independently and doesn't need me to drive her places. Still, I would want to know where she is. She has a cell phone, and is expected to have it on her and turned on when she's away from home. She usually checks in every couple of hours, or when she's changing locations (i.e., going from school to the park, from a friend's house to a movie). We have gradually increased the time and distance she can travel over the past three years (since she's been enrolled in a HS in Manhattan and travels back and forth on the subway).
So, for your 13 yo - I think it's OK to want to know what he's doing and with who, and to keep a tight watch for drinking/drugs/smoking/etc. Maybe you can work out a deal with him about checking in on a regular basis or something, so it's something you both agree to.
With my DD, I've said "if you don't use the cell phone (to call me), then I'll take it away and save money. But having the cell phone is what gets you the level of freedom you have. You wouldn't be able to travel into the city without it. So get used to it, and call me!"
HTH
Sue
Sue,
I am also in NYC (Brooklyn). I don't let my 13 year old take the subway yet. My DD 16 just took it into Manhattan today with just one friend, which she has never done before, usually with a group, but it worked out fine. Because we live in the city, I feel that
the kids do have more freedom because everything is in close distance. They should be capable of navagating around the city on their own. There are a few moms in the school that cannot believe what we let our kids do. Two of the boys at age 13 are not allowed out past 5:30 and even before 5:30 they can only go to each other's house. Their moms look down upon the rest of us. I feel that this approach is no better because when they are older either they will run wild or be fearful of everything. So your daughter travels to Manhattan by train to go to school. That's great. I am looking into Xavier for high school for my son, but we'll see.
Tessybell831
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