Differences with Husband in Parenting
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Differences with Husband in Parenting
| Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:44pm |
Hello everyone, I have a 13 year old DS and 16 year old DD. My husband does
not always agree with my parenting. He says I am "all over" them. I just
keep telling him that it is my job as a parent to be aware of what, where,
when and why. Yesterday my son went out at 2PM. I did speak to him several
times during the day. He stopped home at about 8:00 PM because I told him
I wanted to physically see him. When he stopped home I was asking questions like
who were you with, where were you, etc. In front of my son, my husband yells
from the kitchen "stop interrogating him. He's out having fun. Would you
rather he just be in the house watching TV". I was really pissed off that
he reprimanded me in front of my son. When my son left I told my husband
that is was fine that he disagree with me, but that he should not do things
like that in front of our son, do it when we are alone. I also told him that
he is not home often enough to see what goes on. Even when he is home he is
oblivious to what is going on around him. I said I am the one home watching him
and he said "you're not watching him, he's out". Does anyone else have
parenting differences with their spouse and how do you handle it. When my son
finally came in for the night at 10 I again said where did you come from etc.
At this point his answer was "why are you being so nosy". I don't feel he
would have said anything like that had it not been for my husband's comment.
not always agree with my parenting. He says I am "all over" them. I just
keep telling him that it is my job as a parent to be aware of what, where,
when and why. Yesterday my son went out at 2PM. I did speak to him several
times during the day. He stopped home at about 8:00 PM because I told him
I wanted to physically see him. When he stopped home I was asking questions like
who were you with, where were you, etc. In front of my son, my husband yells
from the kitchen "stop interrogating him. He's out having fun. Would you
rather he just be in the house watching TV". I was really pissed off that
he reprimanded me in front of my son. When my son left I told my husband
that is was fine that he disagree with me, but that he should not do things
like that in front of our son, do it when we are alone. I also told him that
he is not home often enough to see what goes on. Even when he is home he is
oblivious to what is going on around him. I said I am the one home watching him
and he said "you're not watching him, he's out". Does anyone else have
parenting differences with their spouse and how do you handle it. When my son
finally came in for the night at 10 I again said where did you come from etc.
At this point his answer was "why are you being so nosy". I don't feel he
would have said anything like that had it not been for my husband's comment.

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I live in Queens and work in Connecticut, so when my DD is at school I am limited as to what I can control LOLOL. She goes to Hunter HS, and started in 7th grade. At the orientation, they were very open with parents that you have to teach your kids how to navigate the city. I think the reality check was when (about halfway through 7th grade) she said "did you know there's a Steve Madden store on 86th street?" (10 blocks from school; it's an 'open campus'). That's when I realized I could "forbid" whatever I wanted, but I was going to have to find another way to set limits. DD didn't travel the subway until mid-way through 8th grade, and even now she's supposed to call me before she gets on the subway, and when she gets where she's going. I use the blackout as an excuse - "if there was another blackout, I need to know if you are underground or not!"
Sue
Sue,
I see what you mean. I didn't start traveling into Manhattan until I got my first
job out of high school and I knew nothing about the trains. It's good she
gets experience now, teaching her to be independent.
Now, last night, my son asked if he could sleep at a friends house with another friend and we said yes. He said the friends mother was picking them up at the pizza place at about 10:15. I said call me from the house when you get there. Well, my daughter came home at 10:30 (16) and said that another boy told they were still out. I got in the care and drove the five blocks and there he was. I told him to get into the car and asked where the other two boys were. I got two different answers which didn't seem right, they sounded like excuses. At this point it is 10:45 and now I have changed my mind, he is coming home. I called the other mother just to let her know my son was coming home and that they were still out. My son was not happy, came home, stomping his feet, etc. I just explained to him that what he said seemed a little shady and that he has no business still being out at 10:45. I also told him that his curfew now will be set a little earlier. Again, he was not happy, but too bad. We'll see how he wakes up today.
tessybell831
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I agree with this statement.
My son is going to be 13 in a few months. He and all of his friends are still expected to be in by sunset. Which was around 8:30 pm on the longest day of the year. He also has a limited number of places he's allowed to go. Friends' homes, city Library, the park (which I can see from the edge of my driveway), the ice cream stand downtown, the city pool and the Boys and Girls Club.
If at a friend's home I expect to be able to call that home and for a person to be able to hand my son the phone.
I am protective but I don't question him about where he's been. I know where he's been. I ask him where he's going and he is required to call me when he's going to change his location so that I know where he is. When he comes home I just ask him if he had fun.
Knowing where your child is going before he leaves the house, asking for a call when he changes location so that you can track him down in an emergancy, that makes more sense. When I got sick last June and had to be rushed to the hosptial (Intubated etc.) my dh knew exactly where our son was and was able to locate him and pick him up inside of five minutes.
If we had waited until he got home to ask him where he had been, who he was with, what he was doing etc... Then dh could have spent an hour or more trying to track our son down.
I agree that you and you dh need to sit down and talk about and agree upon how you will check in with your son. You do have a right to know where he is going and who he'll be with,That's just good parenting. But how you find out this information is what you need to come to an agreement upon.
JMO
stacy
All this discussion about NYC and taking the subway reminds me of a story about my cousin who lives on Long Island. A few years ago when her kids were younger, their nanny was going to take the kids to NYC to see a museum or something like that and she was getting very nervous (probably genetic, since my aunt was always very nervous about everything). Her husband told her, you know, there are actually people who live in NYC who have kids who take the subway every day and survive. lol
My DD started taking the subway into Boston when she was about 16. It's a little different because we live in the suburbs and I feel she is kind of naive. But usually she is with a group and I do think it's good that she can learn how to get places on her own. Next year she will be a senior and then off to college who knows where. I remember I came to Boston to go to college (from RI) and didn't have a car, so I was always taking the subway late at night. I only got my wallet stolen once. Luckily that was the worst experience.
Hi Tessybell, this is my first time ever posting here but a thought occured to me about how your DH was reacting to your questions to your son. Is there a chance that DH was reminded of him and his own parents when he was 13? And that he was actually knee-jerking in response to those past times?
And regardless of what DH thinks, your job is to be a parent and it sounds like you want to be a good one. Don't let DH's disapproval stop you from asking all the questions you're supposed to - and make sure you let DH know that you will continue this way until you're sure you can trust your son (as much as can be expected).
Edited cause I got confused again, hehe!
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Edited 6/27/2006 9:06 am ET by cat_momma
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