different parenting styles...
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different parenting styles...
| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:04pm |
What does one do about different parenting styles? We have 2 DD ages 17 and 14. Older DD has had same BF for 3 years. She rides horses and works hard to try to defray the cost of this. SHe does OK in school - B/A average. 14 year old doesn't do quite as well in school - does French immersion and isn't too keen on it. THe problem arises when my husband tries to exert his "control" over them, and the way he does it - it seems to bring out the worst in everyone. He gets angry with me because I don't back him up - I can't in good conscience back him up when I don't believe that what he is doing/saying is right. He seems to think that he can be quite rude to the girls and then gets angry when they are rude back to him. In his mind everything we do for them needs to be accompanied by something they do for us... is it possible to reconcile this difference?

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Deb
Good question, I hope someone can share thier magical solution with us all....lol
H and I have had many times when he's angry with me because I didn't or wouldn't back him up in a certain situation. I won't if I don't agree with his approach. And many times it's more about his method than the actual point he's trying to make. It's HOW he says it that bugs me not so much WHAT he's saying, KWIM?
For instance, if I want dd's to do some chores I will make a list and tell them, "Girls, I've have made a list of chores for you to complete. Please do so by noon. In order for anyone to make plans for later on today, the chores need to be completed. Thanks!" And on my list I will always finish with a "thank you - much appreciated". On the other hand, H will say something more like, "DD16, clean the bathroom or you're not seeing BF all weekend" and then dd will ask, "Well what about dd18? Doesn't she have to do anything?!" to which H will respond, "I'm not talking to dd18, am I? I'm talking to you and you know what? Now you're not going anywhere today. Now clean the bathroom." And it never fails, a crying fit or some argument will ensue, a slammed door, and then H will be angry with me for not backing him up and telling dd she's grounded or something like that for not cleaning the bathroom. I am always saying, "You catch more bees with honey..." or "Perhaps if you said please and thank you to them, they would say please and thank you to you" but he just doesn't get it. He parents like his father parented him, controlling and using authority and fear. I refuse to back up that type of parenting; we've even discussed it in counseling because I got so sick and tired of him wanting me to 'back him up' for things I didn't agree with. He has improved but no miracles or anything! I would say that I do most of the disciplining around here these days.
Something else I notice some dads do is they say nothing for the longest time, and then when something finally interferes with thier lives or bugs them enough, they explode. My H does that sometimes OR he will pull me aside and complain to me and tell me to do something about it. I'm like, "Hey, what's the matter, your mouth doesn't work? You're a parent too, you know." LOL
I like jupiter said about discussing your options in private and finding a compromise before discussing it with the kids. Sometimes it's difficult to hold your tongue as a parent - when the moment strikes - but it can work in your favor if you're able. H and I try to do this more often these days.
Good luck.
Not being a big advocate of TV, but admitting to having watched Super Nanny last night, how about taping dh in action and playing it back for him? Maybe he doesn't realize his behavior and that would be a wake up call? Good luck.
Sue
Get this! Even the dogs' backs go up when H is in charge. Every morning when he returns from walking our pups around the block, he complains that all they did was pull on the leash and bark at every bird, dog and human they passed. Well, the other morning, I had to walk them because H woke up late and I grabbed 18dd to take the walk with me (we usually hit the gym Monday mornings before work and school). Well, guess what? We passed 2 humans and 2 dogs and several birds - neither dog barked, barely ackonowledged thier presence and just walked nice as could be all the way around the block! Do I have the magic touch or what?? hahah - when I told H he didn't believe me. I suggested that perhaps he hadn't trained them properly....hahaha.
I agree, if you speak to your children with respect, they learn respect. Respecting your elders is not a given. It is earned. A child may 'heel' to his/her parent out of fear, but hold no respect in his/her heart for that parent, you know what I mean? I don't want my kids to do what I say, I'd rather they saw the value in working as a team and pitch in when thier assistance is needed. I prefer that they learn respect for one another's feelings and have genuine respect for H and me rather than placate us or fear us and then sneak around behind our backs, hating us. It is just like trusting someone. You trust them until they prove you can't trust them. Obviously H knows all about losing your trust in someone, right? If he trusted someone and that someone breached his trust, he probably doesn't trust that person anymore. Likewise, he needs to be respectful of his dd's and hopefully they will be respectful of his place in thier lives. Perhaps if you put it to him that way he will try harder or understand where you're coming from.
they seem to be getting along okay, and he has been able to communicate with her in ways that I can't right now.
Good Luck
>>>I'm sure my husband is quite frustrated at what he perceives is my too easygoing attitude towards household chores - we must have been brought up quite differently to have such different ideas>>>
Do you think if you had sons his attitude would be harsher or easier? And do you think he would expect boys to do the indoor chores as much as he expects his girls? Just curious.
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