different parenting styles...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
different parenting styles...
14
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:04pm
What does one do about different parenting styles? We have 2 DD ages 17 and 14. Older DD has had same BF for 3 years. She rides horses and works hard to try to defray the cost of this. SHe does OK in school - B/A average. 14 year old doesn't do quite as well in school - does French immersion and isn't too keen on it. THe problem arises when my husband tries to exert his "control" over them, and the way he does it - it seems to bring out the worst in everyone. He gets angry with me because I don't back him up - I can't in good conscience back him up when I don't believe that what he is doing/saying is right. He seems to think that he can be quite rude to the girls and then gets angry when they are rude back to him. In his mind everything we do for them needs to be accompanied by something they do for us... is it possible to reconcile this difference?

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Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:24pm
It can be a challenge coming together on things. My DH and I have had problems with this too. It seems to be the nature of some fathers to want to rule the house and what he says should be what goes. Maybe it's a traditional (*cough*... chauvenistic) approach but in our society now it doesn't work very well anymore. Kids are too well-educated. They question many things.... "Why do I have to treat him with respect if he doesn't treat me with respect?" instead of just respecting elders no matter what. The more dad "drives the point home" the more the kids think he is unreasonable and tune him out or run off in a huff. My DH and I have had many discussions and arguments about this. We decided that if we don't agree on something... it cannot be brought up in front of the kids if at all possible. We would discuss it and come to some neutral ground. If the parents are united, it is much easier to accomplish things when the kids challenge you. Looking back on some of our situations, though, I wish I would have let DH handle things his way and didn't try to change it. His instincts, at times, were better than mine especially on dating.
Deb
Debbie
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:40pm

Good question, I hope someone can share thier magical solution with us all....lol

H and I have had many times when he's angry with me because I didn't or wouldn't back him up in a certain situation. I won't if I don't agree with his approach. And many times it's more about his method than the actual point he's trying to make. It's HOW he says it that bugs me not so much WHAT he's saying, KWIM?

For instance, if I want dd's to do some chores I will make a list and tell them, "Girls, I've have made a list of chores for you to complete. Please do so by noon. In order for anyone to make plans for later on today, the chores need to be completed. Thanks!" And on my list I will always finish with a "thank you - much appreciated". On the other hand, H will say something more like, "DD16, clean the bathroom or you're not seeing BF all weekend" and then dd will ask, "Well what about dd18? Doesn't she have to do anything?!" to which H will respond, "I'm not talking to dd18, am I? I'm talking to you and you know what? Now you're not going anywhere today. Now clean the bathroom." And it never fails, a crying fit or some argument will ensue, a slammed door, and then H will be angry with me for not backing him up and telling dd she's grounded or something like that for not cleaning the bathroom. I am always saying, "You catch more bees with honey..." or "Perhaps if you said please and thank you to them, they would say please and thank you to you" but he just doesn't get it. He parents like his father parented him, controlling and using authority and fear. I refuse to back up that type of parenting; we've even discussed it in counseling because I got so sick and tired of him wanting me to 'back him up' for things I didn't agree with. He has improved but no miracles or anything! I would say that I do most of the disciplining around here these days.

Something else I notice some dads do is they say nothing for the longest time, and then when something finally interferes with thier lives or bugs them enough, they explode. My H does that sometimes OR he will pull me aside and complain to me and tell me to do something about it. I'm like, "Hey, what's the matter, your mouth doesn't work? You're a parent too, you know." LOL

I like jupiter said about discussing your options in private and finding a compromise before discussing it with the kids. Sometimes it's difficult to hold your tongue as a parent - when the moment strikes - but it can work in your favor if you're able. H and I try to do this more often these days.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:48pm
Thanks for your reply. Yes, sometimes I wonder if he's right about the dating thing - it certainly is the main source of problems in our house. Here is an example of what goes on, just so you get an idea. Last weekend we spent 4 days at a horse show - 5 am to 8 pm. My husband works out of town and came back the evening of the 2nd day. My DD didn't see her BF for 3 days and after the show finished she asked me if I could give her a ride to her BF house (he was changing the oil in his car and couldn't come at that minute) and he would give her a ride home. When we arrived home I said I was taking DD to BF's house. Husband jumped up and said no you're not and took and hid car keys. He wanted his dinner made (even though he spent the whole day at home...) He told DD that I wasn't driving her out there. DD got upset, said something back, husband said we weren't a f*****g taxi service and her "20 year old man can pick her up". He has always disliked BF for no real reason - there have been lots of dramatics over the last 3 years largely coming from my daughter's side (she's a drama queen extraordinaire), and he blames BF. It has created a situation where BF won't come over (which denies me the joy of seeing them together). I am quite firmly stuck in the middle, and by giving DD rides to BF house (very rarely) I am apparently leading her down the wrong path in life (?). that's what I have to deal with. I am quite happy to take my DD's anywhere they want to go. THey take the bus when I don't want to drive them and don't complain about it. But in my husband's mind they don't do enough to warrant anything - and they are rude and disrespectful. I try to tell him that he has to treat them with respect, but he doesn't get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:52pm
OMG!!! that is exactly what goes on here. It really is how he delivers the message, and I've tried to tell him that over and over. His way of talking to the girls is really controlling and quite rude - I don't think that he even sees that. It gets their backs up right away and then everyone explodes. I just posted a note on both my DD's bedroom doors asking them to clean their rooms and included a checklist. and a thank you, just as you said. It's really a matter of setting expectations beforehand I think. when my husband is away things work really well - the girls do work they wouldn't do while he is home and don't ever complain. It's really strange. Any suggestions?
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:05pm

Not being a big advocate of TV, but admitting to having watched Super Nanny last night, how about taping dh in action and playing it back for him? Maybe he doesn't realize his behavior and that would be a wake up call? Good luck.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:14pm
LOL - we thought about that before, but unfortunately we don't have a recorder... perhaps it would be worthwhile getting one and doing a little surreptitious taping. I'm sure my husband is quite frustrated at what he perceives is my too easygoing attitude towards household chores - we must have been brought up quite differently to have such different ideas. His answer is to lower the hammer so to speak, and that just doesn't work.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:35pm

Get this! Even the dogs' backs go up when H is in charge. Every morning when he returns from walking our pups around the block, he complains that all they did was pull on the leash and bark at every bird, dog and human they passed. Well, the other morning, I had to walk them because H woke up late and I grabbed 18dd to take the walk with me (we usually hit the gym Monday mornings before work and school). Well, guess what? We passed 2 humans and 2 dogs and several birds - neither dog barked, barely ackonowledged thier presence and just walked nice as could be all the way around the block! Do I have the magic touch or what?? hahah - when I told H he didn't believe me. I suggested that perhaps he hadn't trained them properly....hahaha.

I agree, if you speak to your children with respect, they learn respect. Respecting your elders is not a given. It is earned. A child may 'heel' to his/her parent out of fear, but hold no respect in his/her heart for that parent, you know what I mean? I don't want my kids to do what I say, I'd rather they saw the value in working as a team and pitch in when thier assistance is needed. I prefer that they learn respect for one another's feelings and have genuine respect for H and me rather than placate us or fear us and then sneak around behind our backs, hating us. It is just like trusting someone. You trust them until they prove you can't trust them. Obviously H knows all about losing your trust in someone, right? If he trusted someone and that someone breached his trust, he probably doesn't trust that person anymore. Likewise, he needs to be respectful of his dd's and hopefully they will be respectful of his place in thier lives. Perhaps if you put it to him that way he will try harder or understand where you're coming from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:37pm
Is it possible to reconcile this difference? I hope so, but it really depends on your husband. My DH can tend to be this way, but its gotten alot better since I had him read "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy". And, when he blows up or tries to rule with an iron fist I point out that his point is lost in the reaction, and that even I quit listening when he lectures or flies off the handle. He must be doing something right now, because
they seem to be getting along okay, and he has been able to communicate with her in ways that I can't right now.
Good Luck
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:40pm

>>>I'm sure my husband is quite frustrated at what he perceives is my too easygoing attitude towards household chores - we must have been brought up quite differently to have such different ideas>>>

Do you think if you had sons his attitude would be harsher or easier? And do you think he would expect boys to do the indoor chores as much as he expects his girls? Just curious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:49pm
I'm not sure - he's an odd father - even my DDs say he is weird... our youngest is 14 and 6 feet tall, so naturally she's leaning towards playing bball - my husband is a good bball player but has only once...once.... taken her to the park to practice. He rarely watches her games and never takes her anywhere unless there is no other option. my oldest DD rides, which is extremely expensive. She does her best to work down the cost, but my husband tries to use the riding as leverage to get her to get rid of the BF. needless to say this causes alot of tension and anger in the house. his conversation with the girls is limited to complaining about how little they do, complaining to me about my bad parenting skills, and making sure the dog obeys...

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