different parenting styles...
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different parenting styles...
| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:04pm |
What does one do about different parenting styles? We have 2 DD ages 17 and 14. Older DD has had same BF for 3 years. She rides horses and works hard to try to defray the cost of this. SHe does OK in school - B/A average. 14 year old doesn't do quite as well in school - does French immersion and isn't too keen on it. THe problem arises when my husband tries to exert his "control" over them, and the way he does it - it seems to bring out the worst in everyone. He gets angry with me because I don't back him up - I can't in good conscience back him up when I don't believe that what he is doing/saying is right. He seems to think that he can be quite rude to the girls and then gets angry when they are rude back to him. In his mind everything we do for them needs to be accompanied by something they do for us... is it possible to reconcile this difference?

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He sounds hypercritical, frustrated and insecure about his own abilities and talents. While he doesn't need to attend every game or support his kids in everything they choose, he should find at least one thing about each one to be proud of and supportive. It's sad, because the guys our daughters usually lean towards as BF's and life partners are typically based in part on thier main male role model growing up, which is usually thier dads. Now, that can be a scary thing, eh?
Have you spoken honestly with your dd's about his behavior? I mean, without putting him down, have you at least discussed with them that his method of parenting is largely based upon his own experience growing up? Do they understand that sometimes he's out of touch? You probably try to counterbalance some of his poor parenting by overcompensating as a really great parent, don't you? I have done that = a lot. I know lots of moms who do that. A family counselor we once went to told us that men today still believe that they show thier love and support by going to work everyday and that in thier heads they've completed the mission every day by 5PM when they walk in the door. Obviously not every dad is like that but the counselor told us that sadly, a majority of dad's aren't really interested in the everyday stuff in regards to their kids, only seem interested when it comes to laying down the law and would rather spend thier evenings by themselves or with friends. My 18dd has an awards ceremony coming up and when I mentioned to my H that dd's bio-dad was coming he said, "Good, then I don't have to go - I hate those things." I have to tell you, I was really hurt by his comment and told him so. He immediately said he was just kidding and that he'd go, but I can't help but wonder if there was some truth in it.
Well, peanut, I hope your dd's can look past his judgements to see that they are wonderful just as they are!
peanutflower, have you ever considered counseling? I mean, if not for both of you then at least for yourself? It seems that his lack of self esteem causes him to be extremely critical of you and your dds. Some people aren't even aware that they are being critical as a means to improve thier own self image, but that's what they are doing when there is no viable reason.
There is no determining who is the better parent and who disciplines better or who is a better guide in the lives of thier children. There really is no point in even playing that game. I had a sil who used to tell me I was ruining my dd's because I taught them to use anatomically correct names for thier private parts rather than 'nick names' or 'pet names' like "pee pee". She actually said to me, "Well, when all our kids are 18 we'll see who the better, more normal, kids are." It was such a ludicrous thought to me that I couldn't do anything but laugh at her.
Anyway, the point is that your H can't make predictions like that about your dd's. If anything, I see them thinking that they are worthless based on his treatment of them, and you, and eventually marrying emotionally abusive men.
I advise that you begin with you - it's alarming the extent that your h goes to undermine your authority and presence as an equal partner in your dds' lives. His behavior is mentally and emotionally abusive. Hugs and best of luck.
MY dh is similar and I know the husbands of several friends are as well.
I do think some of it is a 'guy' thing and perhaps also the way they make their way in the business world?
I do believe children should respect their parents because they are their parents and do not buy into the 'parents need to earn respect first' attititude. In fact, reading that puts up my hackles
Im telling you this because, in practice, you and I are actually quite alike. So, if DH is like me, you might want to drop that particular terminology and give him examples instead
With DH, it was 'cut the lawn-NOW" and he totally expected the boys to instantly stop what they were doing-usually a video game-and if they didn't, he started yelling and cussing and going into the lack of appreciation lecture
I told him what works for me is saying "the lawn needs to be mowed by noon" and walking
away. He insisted they wouldnt do it but, surprise, surprise, they almost always do(once in awhile one reminder is needed)
He still falls back to the other mode if he is feeling pressure from other things but it is rare
I do think guys prefer specific instructions over theories. I had trouble with this at first because to me that sounds like ordering them around and I thought that would increase male rebellion, KWIM? But I find they really dont care about the why behind child development and psychology and if I start going there, DH shuts down and has stopped listening before I get to the examples. So I suggest going right to the examples
And definitely keep the 'earn respect' stuff to yourself. He doesnt have to believe the same as you-he just has to act the same. And actions are a lot easier to change than beliefs
JMHO
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