I don't know what to say about this whole situation. It sounds unfair to me too. The one good thing is that you know your dd will know how to handle her money and pay her own bills. She already has shown good sense in taking her car off the road for the time she is in school.
OTOH will dsd know how to handle money and be able to pay her bills when she hasn't had any experience in budgeting her money and paying her bills? Probably not. Unfortunatly it sounds like Dad may be one to bail her out when she gets into a tight financial situation and she may never learn.
Although it may seem unfair the point is if your DH wants to buy his daughter a car, it's up to him, just as what YOU decided to do with regard to your daughter and her car is between you and your daughter. Unless you have adopted each other kids, you are not your DSD's parent and neither is your DH your DD's parent. You can not expect the girls to be parented equally because,honestly, they don't have the same parents. Your ex & yourself make decisions concerning your daughter and your DH and his ex make the Thedecisions concerning his daughter.
Suggestion.... Set up a budget and decide who contributes how much, how much you will save as a couple....The rest is yours. You keep your joint account but you also have your own accounts from which you each use to spend on your daughters. For instance, if you are getting child support, that money goes into your account after a certain percentage is put into the joint to cover food.... The rest should be used as it was intended, as support for your daughter.
We had this with DS1 and DS2 and the marital strife to go with it. DS1 is responsible and obedient so when dad said you pay 1/2 of the car and 1/2 of the insurance, he just did it. DS2 just ignored it. DH didnt want confrontation and, like your DH, expects to be obeyed and when he isnt, has no parenting skill as to what to do next
We even told DS2 he didnt have to cover insurance. I, with full disclosure, spent more on DS1 for Xmas and birthday that year to 'even it up'. Still,ds2 wasnt paying his car payments
Its very stressful-I know. 'FAIR' within reason is a big deal to me. My parents bent over backwards to be fair. Not surprisingly, DHs family all openly play the favorite game and announce who their favorite grandchild/ child is and why(they claim it's 'natural' to have favorites)
No solution, although, for no reason other than maturity, DS2 stepped up this past summer and picked up the payments. He owes us barely anything at this point(will surely finish this coming summer)
Buying something special for DS1 made me feel better-seems a bit petty I know-and it didnt match what he paid for insurance over time but...it was something.And I was honest with DS2 as to why he got it!
If I could instill anything in young couples and have them ACTUALLY listen, it would be that people parent the way they were parented unless they make a conscious decision to do it differently(and I dont think enough men do that-I think women often do-JMO)
I agree with you that if you agreed to "pool" the money then you should be talking about what is spent on what. I think that should be in any marriage, step children or not.
What he has done with the SSI checks it just not right or fair IMO. It should all be put together, just like you put your support checks in. And he definatly should have some life insurance or some other provisions for his dd in case of death. I think everyone should make some kind of arrangements. Hopefully you both have wills, although your dd's are just about old enough to not have appointed guardians.
I do think that some joint counseling is in order here. You need to talk about all this and get it straightened out if you do want to stay together.
Good luck, I hate to hear of anyone thinking of splitting up. It's got to be a very difficult thing to deal with.
If I could instill anything in young couples and have them ACTUALLY listen, it would be that people parent the way they were parented unless they make a conscious decision to do it differently(and I dont think enough men do that-I think women often do-JMO)
I don't know what to say about this whole situation. It sounds unfair to me too. The one good thing is that you know your dd will know how to handle her money and pay her own bills. She already has shown good sense in taking her car off the road for the time she is in school.
OTOH will dsd know how to handle money and be able to pay her bills when she hasn't had any experience in budgeting her money and paying her bills? Probably not. Unfortunatly it sounds like Dad may be one to bail her out when she gets into a tight financial situation and she may never learn.
Sorry I don't have any solution to your problem.
What I read between the lines:
well, I actually may be undoing the whole marriage and that would solve the problem.
Although it may seem unfair the point is if your DH wants to buy his daughter a car, it's up to him, just as what YOU decided to do with regard to your daughter and her car is between you and your daughter. Unless you have adopted each other kids, you are not your DSD's parent and neither is your DH your DD's parent. You can not expect the girls to be parented equally because,honestly, they don't have the same parents. Your ex & yourself make decisions concerning your daughter and your DH and his ex make the Thedecisions concerning his daughter.
Suggestion.... Set up a budget and decide who contributes how much, how much you will save as a couple....The rest is yours. You keep your joint account but you also have your own accounts from which you each use to spend on your daughters. For instance, if you are getting child support, that money goes into your account after a certain percentage is put into the joint to cover food.... The rest should be used as it was intended, as support for your daughter.
We had this with DS1 and DS2 and the marital strife to go with it. DS1 is responsible and obedient so when dad said you pay 1/2 of the car and 1/2 of the insurance, he just did it. DS2 just ignored it. DH didnt want confrontation and, like your DH, expects to be obeyed and when he isnt, has no parenting skill as to what to do next
We even told DS2 he didnt have to cover insurance. I, with full disclosure, spent more on DS1 for Xmas and birthday that year to 'even it up'. Still,ds2 wasnt paying his car payments
Its very stressful-I know. 'FAIR' within reason is a big deal to me. My parents bent over backwards to be fair. Not surprisingly, DHs family all openly play the favorite game and announce who their favorite grandchild/ child is and why(they claim it's 'natural' to have favorites)
No solution, although, for no reason other than maturity, DS2 stepped up this past summer and picked up the payments. He owes us barely anything at this point(will surely finish this coming summer)
Buying something special for DS1 made me feel better-seems a bit petty I know-and it didnt match what he paid for insurance over time but...it was something.And I was honest with DS2 as to why he got it!
If I could instill anything in young couples and have them ACTUALLY listen, it would be that people parent the way they were parented unless they make a conscious decision to do it differently(and I dont think enough men do that-I think women often do-JMO)
The idea of your 2nd paragraph would have been the best for all involved.
I agree with you that if you agreed to "pool" the money then you should be talking about what is spent on what. I think that should be in any marriage, step children or not.
What he has done with the SSI checks it just not right or fair IMO. It should all be put together, just like you put your support checks in. And he definatly should have some life insurance or some other provisions for his dd in case of death. I think everyone should make some kind of arrangements. Hopefully you both have wills, although your dd's are just about old enough to not have appointed guardians.
I do think that some joint counseling is in order here. You need to talk about all this and get it straightened out if you do want to stay together.
Good luck, I hate to hear of anyone thinking of splitting up. It's got to be a very difficult thing to deal with.
If I could instill anything in young couples and have them ACTUALLY listen, it would be that people parent the way they were parented unless they make a conscious decision to do it differently(and I dont think enough men do that-I think women often do-JMO)