A Different Type Of Trust Issue
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:17pm |
I am posting here in hopes to get some advice on how to deal with a situation that I've never had to deal with before. My 18 year old son has been dating his girlfriend for 15 months. She is adorable and the sweetest young lady I've ever met. She adores my son and he adores her. The other night however, I heard him talking in a quiet voice on his cell phone at 1:00 in the morning. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn't talking to a friend, nor did I suspect he was talking to his girlfriend, as they typically don't talk on the phone all that much anymore (since they're usually always together). I went upstairs to see if I could tell who he was talking to and I could hear him saying things to someone (other than his girlfriend) that indicated that this girl and he had some serious feelings for eachother. My heart dropped into my stomach. I went to my room to try to decide what to do, and after about 30 minutes went back upstairs to see if he was still on the phone, which he was. I knocked on his door and asked him to come downstairs so that I could talk to him. He did and I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me who he was talking to. At first he said he was talking to his girlfriend, but I told him that I could tell it was someone else. He then admitted that it was another girl that he works with. I asked him about their relationship and he tried to down-play it, but from what I overheard, it seems pretty serious. I asked him why he was talking to another girl and he just kept saying that she was just "a really cool girl" and that he just really enjoys talking to her. I asked him if he would be okay with his girlfriend talking quietly on her phone at 1:00 in the morning to a "really cool guy" to which he replied that he would not. His stance on the situation was that they were only talking and that he really didn't think it was that big of a deal (despite admitting that he wouldn't want his girlfriend to do it). He assured me that if he felt this new relationship was "going somewhere" he would let me know but that for now, they were just talking. I left it at that the first night. The next day, I spoke with my son again in more depth about the situation and how he really needs to decide which girl he wants to be with because even just "talking" to someone on the phone (in the manner in which he's doing) is wrong when you're committed to another. I told him that any time he has to lie about something (as he did to me and as he is to his girlfriend), it's probably wrong, and that he shouldn't be doing it. I explained all about "affairs of the heart", and how they are just as wrong as physical affairs. He is extremely intelligent, has been raised with good values, and in all likelihood KNOWS that what he's doing is wrong, and yet when I told him he NEEDED to make a choice he got angry at me and told him that it was his life and that he felt I was FORCING him to do something that he didn't want to do. We spoke further and I finally felt I was getting through to him. I told him that I wasn't "forcing" him to do anything at this point and that I was HOPEFUL that HE would do the right thing on is own. He seemed like he was in agreement with everything, said that he did NOT want to break up with his girlfriend (we spoke all about why and whether he thinks he may be tiring of her, etc.), and implied that he would stop talking to the other girl. Later that evening, I asked him if he'd let the other girl know yet that he couldn't talk to her any more and he said, "no not really". I asked him how he was going to deal with that situation and he said that he was just going to talk to her a little less. Since this is a girl who he works with, I'm concerned that he will still be able to see her whenever he wants, and I'm also concerned that he has and will continue to make up excuses to go into work early just to spend time with this other girl (in other words, lie to me and his girlfriend about what he's up to). My biggest concern however is that IF he doesn't stop, that his girlfriend will find out and be devastated. I've tried talking to my son about this, but he doesn't seem to realize how much damage he could do to his girlfriend and their relationship by his actions. This young lady is like a daughter to me because my son has said all along that he wanted to marry his girlfriend when they graduate from college, etc. She even calls me "mom". So, needless to say, I'm very concerned about her well-being.
The way I see it, there are two issues here. There is the issue of my son lying to his girlfriend, and there is the issue of my son lying to me. I've very clearly told my son that the RIGHT thing to do is to CHOOSE one girl. So far, I don't see that he's done this yet, although it's only been two days since this all surfaced. Am I wrong to FORCE him to do the right thing by his girlfriend and choose? Also, it will be very easy for me to see if he's still talking to this girl when this month's cell phone bill comes out, so if I choose to, I will be able to address the issue of lying to me as well. I just don't know how far to take this and how exactly to "deal" with his dishonesty. In the past, dishonesty has always been handled in such a way whereby if you lied, you were punished. As some of you may know however, punishing an 18 year old isn't very easy.
I think that what concerns me the most is that in a few months my son will be leaving for college and will be able to live his life however he so chooses (pretty much) regarding how honest or dishonest he chooses to be. My heart is broken to think that as he leaves the nest, he may decide to live a life with substandard values.
Help!

Pages
Oh right. I knew that you weren't suggesting I simply do nothing.... you did a great job of encouraging me explaining how and why I should "let him fly" for a bit. I'm really feeling quite a bit better about it now and really appreciate your support and advice.
Thanks again!
Well, it appears that you were right. Apparently my son just told me what I wanted to hear (that he would stop talking to the "other girl") just to get me off his back. I'm able to monitor his cell phone calls and texts on the verizon wireless website, and it appears that they've been texting back and forth (pretty heavy duty) over the past couple of days. In fact, he's doing it even while I write this post. So now I feel that he's lying to me as well as to his girlfriend. I know you said to back off, but do I just pretend now that I don't know he's still "talking to" this other girl? I'm angry that he would lie to me but from what you say in your post, it almost sounds as if I should just leave it alone and let him "work it out". Would you confront your son if you caught him lying to you after he told you he would stop doing something? Just how "detached" from all this am I supposed to be? I've never been one to turn away from a problem or pretend that it doesn't exist, although I'm feeling as if though confronting him will only make matters worse.
HELP again!!!
Yes, I'm afraid you are 100% correct.
Thanks.
I think you've done all that you can do and it's time for you to back off from this situation. The bottom line is that it's between your son and his gf. Regardless of YOUR feelings about their relationship, it is THEIR relationship and how it turns out has nothing to do with you. Harsh words to hear, but it's true. I learned that myself with my own dds'.
I've learned that, as Pam said, you mustn't allow yourself to become so entrenched in their stuff, or to become so attached to their lovemates. It's not okay, it really isn't. I miss my dd's BF terribly, still, after almost 6 months. But there is nothing I can do about it. She's moved on and is in serious 'like' with a new guy, who is nice, but I'm keeping up my boundaries so I don't become attached. It's difficult, but doable. I also miss my other dd's old BF (and his family!), but that ship has sailed and there is no turning back.
You've spoken with your son, you've told him all the right things. Now all you can do it hope that he has listened to you and does the right thing. Someone will most definitely get hurt, but that's life. They are so young and will probably go through several more mates before deciding on a life partner, so there really is no sense in losing sleep over this. Your son's behavior does not make him a serial cheater or a bad man. He's still navigating through this relationship stuff, the expectations, appropriate and acceptable behavior; cut him a bit of a break. And get some sleep. When and if his gf finds out and if they break up, it won't be the end of her world - she will hurt but she will live and move one eventually. Hugs to you.
Hi, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My dd and her b/f have been together almost 3 years, she is 19 and his 18, close to 19 and 20. She too has a promise ring. She has already been through her first year of college and he is about to enter his freshman year in the fall. They had a couple of "tests" of their relationship. She found herself being very close friends with another guy and I know I am not supposed to be involved, but I did the same thing as you. I told her, if you are interested in someone else, don't sneak around. Then she found out her b/f also had a good friend he had been talking to for a while. They did break up last summer, he did it. She was devestated, and yes, I was even afraid for her. She said she did not want to go on, but we weathered the storm. Well it turns out, the 3 weeks they were broke up, he was just as miserable to the same point. He called her after he got back from vacation and they went back together and are still together. I know I have to stay out of this, but I know how you feel. You try not to, but you love the b/f or g/f like they were you own. His parents feel the same about her. She has become like a DIL. We know we are wrong, but we just can't help it and then when it doesn't work out, we are just as hurt as they are. It is just being a mom, we hurt when they hurt.
Not everyone will share this, most people don't, but my dd and I both believe there is one person out there for everyone, soul mates if you will. She refuses to believe you have to be older to find that out. She believes her b/f is her one and he believes she is his. I would love to see them make it, and they are determined and made it through some rough spots already. Without getting too involved, I try to give her as good as advice as I know how and the rest leave to them. But I do believe that honesty is always the best policy even at this age.
Good luck and just be there for him no matter what his decision. That is all moms can do.
Andie
I would confront the lying and not the texting another girl part. Since he is just about an adult you can't control if he cheats on his GF or not, but since he does live in your house and you support him I would not put up with him lying to you. If he says he is not going to text her for whatever reason he should stand by that or not say it. That is the bigger issue. He obviously sees nothing wrong with lying to you.
I know if my mom caught me in a lie even at 18 I would have been in trouble. I lived in her house and she deserved honesty and respect. If I said something it was true.
Pages