Difficulty Making Friends
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Difficulty Making Friends
| Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:19pm |
Hello Everyone-
I'm new here. I have a very bright, good natured, yet somewhat shy and reserved 15 year old only child son. He has always had some difficulty making close friendships. When he was young i facilitated "play dates" and that worked well. Obviously I can't keep doing that. He has many casual friends at school and other activities he is involved with. I have observed that he gets along with and is liked by other teens his age. He has always had difficulty initiating friendships.There has never been kids his age in teh neighborhood to befriend. He had a best firend for the last 6 years that recently moved out of state and he has spent most of the summer playing video games rather than socializing. This was the only friend he had that he invited to come to our home. He needs help making closer bonds with his casual friends. Any advice??
Thanks!
Phoenix
I'm new here. I have a very bright, good natured, yet somewhat shy and reserved 15 year old only child son. He has always had some difficulty making close friendships. When he was young i facilitated "play dates" and that worked well. Obviously I can't keep doing that. He has many casual friends at school and other activities he is involved with. I have observed that he gets along with and is liked by other teens his age. He has always had difficulty initiating friendships.There has never been kids his age in teh neighborhood to befriend. He had a best firend for the last 6 years that recently moved out of state and he has spent most of the summer playing video games rather than socializing. This was the only friend he had that he invited to come to our home. He needs help making closer bonds with his casual friends. Any advice??
Thanks!
Phoenix

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Since his friend only recently moved after school got out, and school is about to start again soon, I'd let it ride for a month or two after school starts and see what happens.
I would encourage him to join a club or team at school. Something he's very passionate about. When you discover that there are other kids just as excited about what you love doing, it really does open some doors.
stacy
I can completely understand and symphatize with you. Much of what you said reminds me of my teen...except mine is a dd. She's 16 now but can be a little shy. She has many friends and aquaintances but used to have a really hard time initiating getting together with friends. Our dd also had several close friends who moved away over the years and it was a real hard for her each time someone moved away. Losing a good friend and having to make new ones is never easy.
I also think that my dd was afraid that if she called a friend to get together, they would say "no" and not want to get together with her. She had one girlfriend who used to do this to her in junior high who would squirm and hesitate when my dd would call to get-together even though the friend would call my dd to schedule get-togethers. I guess that things had to be on the friend's terms. It was really goofy. But it made my dd really hesitant about calling people. She has gotten much better this year (sophomore)...maybe a little more mature now but I also think that one thing helped her a little...using Facebook. I know that sounds funny, but she wasn't the type of kid to pick up the phone and ask a friend to do something. But when she started using Facebook, she could converse with her friends and feel more comfortable initiating getting together. I don't know if your son has a Facebook but if he doesn't, it may help him to initiate and chat with his friends. It does help our dd to reach out to her friends. It may not be the best advice but it has helped with our dd. Now she doesn't have a problem calling her friends from her cell and taking the initiative. Well, I hope this helps in some small way.
Best of luck to your ds. I don't know what year of HS he's in...but beginning of HS can be a tough time and as he moves up a grade, it may get a little better.
My first question to you would be whether he appears unhappy about his situation at all. If he's content with the friends he has and with his social situation right now, then I wouldn't really push it. Not all of us are "wired" to be extroverted socialites. My dd is going on 16 and while she is a friendly and polite girl and she has many friends she too is reluctant to be the one to make the first move. I on the other hand am very social and assertive and often can't understand why she can't just pick up the phone and ask someone to come over or do something. Instead she'll take round-about approaches like telling her friends she's "so bored" and "has nothing to do" and then waits for them to suggest a get-together.
So when I try to push the issue, she gets very upset with me. She's not comfortable making the first move and I guess I just have to deal with that. She's happy and she's got plenty of friends and she's content to have a few social opportunities with them. She isn't into the big "hanging out" on Friday or Saturday nights at a local gathering place -- its not her scene.
As she's gotten older she is far better at the whole social interaction thing. She is less shy especially about talking to boys. She's never dated but that's okay -- I don't think I want all that dating drama just yet.
I say, if your son is happy then why try to make him something he isn't?
This was the same reaction I had/response I was going to give. I, too, have a ds15 (sophomore) that is an only, and is very happy with his school friendships AT SCHOOL, and then being on XBox Live as permitted to continue them. He'll go to an occasional movie with friends (maybe monthly) and have someone over maybe about the same frequency, and is active in scouts, and is now on the school swim team (6 days/week practice) - that keeps him busy and happy. So I don't push it. As a female (but also an only), I had what I'd consider a different type of relationship with friends; one I'd call 'closer', but that's just not 'him', so I let him be - he's content with the way things are.
Sue
You say he needs help making closer bonds with his casual friends? Why? Has he expressed dissatisfaction or unhappiness with his situation? Or are you dissatisfied with his situation?
My son has many casual friends through his classes, choir, theater, and a role-playing club he founded at school. But this summer, he has been out exactly twice with his buddies, once to play paintball and once to see "Transformers." They don't call or email; they don't come over to our house and he doesn't go to theirs. And you know what? He's okay with that! And so am I. I know he's not out roaming the streets or loitering at the mall, or getting into trouble. He'll reconnect with them when school starts up again in September. He's not a social butterfly and I accept that. As long as he's not crying in his cheerios because the phone never rings, I don't worry about it.
I don't want to sound flippant, but maybe your son is most comfortable keeping his friendships at the casual level. And if he had a best friend for six years, that person is not going to be easy to replace. He may have high standards for his personal friendships (I know my son does)and he'd rather not be chummy just for the sake of being chummy. His time is too important for that.
Don't know if that was helpful or not. I hope so.
Elizabeth
I'm going to jump in on the 'if he's not bothered by it, don't push it' bandwagon. Some people are just naturally comfortable alone or with only 1-2 friends. My DH is very much like this.
However ... I was a painfully shy child until I was about the age of your DS. I was extremely self-conscious about my appearance -- I wore pretty hefty eyeglasses -- but when I was 16 and started wearing contact lenses, I really started to break out of my shell.
At this point, I was in high school and saw first hand all the activities, sports activities and clubs available, I wanted to be a part of it all -- desperately. My desire to be involved and have fun -- and knowing that no one was going to do it for me -- was what helped to me overcome what had been a life-long battle with debilitating shyness. I even got up enough courage to try-out for cheerleading. I didn't make the first squad I tried out for, but I didn't give up -- I wanted to be a part of that fun so badly that I tried again for a different squad -- and made it.
So, perhaps when your DS gets into school, meets kids in his classes that are like-minded, he will feel more comfortable being more social.
Hope that helps,
Julie
I want to add another thing - we're all women here, and we bond the way women bond.
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