Dinner discussion with DS's

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Dinner discussion with DS's
6
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:50pm

Hey all,

I know lately I have been really crazed by the generalization of the "bad boy" thing. I wanted to share how my DS's 16 and 14 feel, as we discussed this at dinner tonight.

When I talked to them about some of the discussions here and everything that had been going on with some of the girls that my oldest DS hangs out with. My 16 yr old said this,

"You know that society makes it ok for Jerk guys to be Jerk guys by saying that we are all jerks and looking for one thing. Sometimes I even think why bother being one of the nice guys that values woman when the world just thinks that I think and feel with my "blank" (he actually did say blank :) ) Also, he said, "alot of nice girls don't even look at guys like me, cause even though they are pretty decent girls, they still want to go for that "bad boy"."

Out of the mouths of babes or teenage boys in this case.

Just thought I would share ;)

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:22pm

Yep, I hear ya!

I do have to add, though, that if I had girls I would feel I needed to warn them that some boys ARE out for only one thing. While I understand it is not all boys, I do think it is necessary for girls to go into relationships with a healthy skepticism of what a boy might promise

Despite what we may do as moms, peer pressure is a powerful thing. Even nice boys can get caught up in what the other guys are claiming and try something 'brave'. I wouldn't want a girl to think every word that came out of his mouth was the gospel.

And, yes, I have taught my boys to have a healthy skepticism of what girls might say as well, right down to telling them if she becomes pregnant he is not to agree to or take responsibility for anything until a paternity test is done. I've heard enough stories of girls who have been with multiple guys insisting its the one they most want it to be(income, looks, status or maybe even the nice guy)

Im sure moms of girls have heard their share of stories about boys as well

I personally am more annoyed with the 'my dd had sex-the boy must have forced her' stuff than parents encouraging a healthy skepticism from both sexes

One is done to protect; the other is done to blame

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 8:55am

I totally agree with you. I didn't mean to make it sound like now I am shifting all blame at girls. I think that this all started with a feeling of the fact that as you said both sexes need to be held accountable for their actions. Believe me, I have talked to the boys about girls that might try and talk them into sex. That is the point exactly though, Girls can go looking for it too :) Also, I do have a daughter, and although she is only 6, I think that my DH and I will treat her someday suitors a bit differently because we know that boys are just kids too ;)

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:15am

Very insiteful. I know that while talking with a friend the other day (she has an almost 15 year old dd) I was shocked to hear her say that she was actually teaching her dd to think this way. All boys think about one thing. All boys have no self control and to be careful because in the heat of the moment they my force themselves on you etc...

I know she wants to protect her dd but IMO that can only come when we teach our teen girls to value the nice guy who has respect for women and relationships. When you teen a girl that all guys are animals with zero self control then why should they look for something else.

A part of me wanted to scream into the phone that not boys are like that.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:30pm

FWIW - I'm the mom of a teen girl (my son is only 8) and I *hate* boys-will-be-boys blaming that does not hold girls responsible for their behavior. My DD and I have talked about this, both in general and in relationship to her friends.

L told me that one of her friends was planning on "doing it" with a boy, just to do it. (Long time POTs may remember my DD's bff 'I' who has always been a bit of a problem.). No way anyone could "blame" that boy for thinking with his 'blank' ;) when the girl was clearly thinking with hers (or not thinking at all!)

Then, just today, L told me that two of her friends went to last night's senior prom (their sophomores, so it's a biggish deal). S went with a friend of a friend, so it was OK (according to L), but J went with some sketchy guy who only asked her because "she has a good body and is a whore". (Sorry about the language - I don't talk that way, but DD does). Again, maybe that boy is thinking with his boy-part, but clearly he knew which girl would be receptive.

My DS is a "nice" kid - not rough or mean - and even at this age bad behavior is excused with the boys-will-be-boys line. I always reject that - I know we can raise nice boys to be nice men.

p.s. Almost forgot to add - congrats to you for raising a nice teen boy. Tell him there are girls like my DD who want a nice boy, and there will certainly be nice women down the road who will appreciate him (even if he's not the bad boy of HS)

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 10:13pm

"p.s. Almost forgot to add - congrats to you for raising a nice teen boy. Tell him there are girls like my DD who want a nice boy, and there will certainly be nice women down the road who will appreciate him (even if he's not the bad boy of HS)"

Thanks :) I printed this for DS to read! That is another point, They need to hear this from others than just their parents (It takes a village) So that Village needs to let them know that they know they are good boys too :) Thanks again and I am sure your DS will be the same kind of teen! I never bought into the "boys will be boys" thing at a young age either :) If they did something stupid, they were called to the carpet!

Julie

Avatar for weberdns0
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Registered: 08-25-2000
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 11:00am
I have a ds and a dd, and was the oldest of 5 kids (3 girls and 2 boys).