discipline for 17.5 year old

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
discipline for 17.5 year old
5
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:48pm

Any ideas out there for discipline for a 17.5 year old girl? She doesn't adhere to curfew, do her chores and her grades are slipping. She is threatening to move out. She works and has her own car.

please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:19am

It's certainly not easy when they reach that age. Talk with her calmly (yes it is possible to have a calm discussion with a teen - hard, but possible) and remind her that being in a family has some responsibilities. You might consider negotiating with her on curfew. For instance, if DD has not argued with me during the week, I often let her stay out an extra 30 min on Fri - after all my week has been less stressful and I am probably nto as tired. Also explain to her that she has the responsibility for some of the household chores - which ones would she like? My DD prefers to fold laundry while I detest it. Also her bathroom is her responsibility. This morning I was running late so she fixed my breakfast when she fixed hers but then I fixed her dinner when I was fixing mine. Be sure and praise and thank her for her efforts.

At her age and during the summer, I would expect grades to slip some. After all she's almost done with school and who wants to be in school when they could be at the water park or somewhere fun. Personally, I always make grades about learning the material not the actual grade. I give my DDs a small present when they pull out the good grades - an ice cream cone or a manicure or something like that. When she was 15 we had a grade issue - she wasn't allowed out on the weekends until the work was done to my satisfaction. This worked pretty quickly - she learned momma meant business about her education. Some of the teachers wouldn't accept it late but she still had to do it for me in order to get out of the house. She began to see that if she did the work when it was assigned later assignments, tests, etc became easier - she could build on what she learned last week.

So far as discipline goes, I tend to negotiate that as well. For instance, if she missed curfew, she would have to come in that much earlier the next night. If she didn't, then she would have to stay home with me either Fri or Sat night the next weekend. She might could trade that night at home for a major chore - clean the garage or wash the window. If she lied to me, then she was given a major chore and possibly grounded.

The point with my DD was that she had to feel like she had some say in her life - what time to be home, which chores to do (or when to do them), how she was punished (which major chore was her choice), etc. Feeling like she had no control at all caused her to rebel even more.

Alot of the parents will tell you not to negotiate with her - lay down the law and that is necessary for some kids. But it just caused more problems for us. You know your child best. Sit down and think about what has worked in the past and draw on some variation of that.

Good Luck and let us know how things go!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:23pm

Unfortunately, she just ignores discipline like grounding and shorter curfew. She just leaves anyway or ignores the discipline. That's the problem. I've run out of ideas on discipline.

:-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:45pm

Perhaps it is time for tough love.

Is the car under her name? Did she pay for it? The gas? The insurance?
How about her washing? Cooking?

Treat her as an adult.
Drawn up a contract. If she wants the services that you are providing at home, then she has to contribute. If she doesn't contribute then you are under no obligation to provide these services. Make it clear.

Are you paying for her post-secondary? Put a clause in the contract that if she doesn;t maintain a certain average, you will not pay.

There is an old saying "There is no free lunch".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:46pm

I can understand how it would be difficult to discipline a near 18yo. Here's my question: Who's car is she driving? I know you says she has her own, but is it in her name? If not, it's your car, I think you have the option of taking the keys away until she gets back on track. Unfortunately that would mean that you or your DH would have to drive her to/from work, but it would help to enforce her curfew. And if she doesn't have the ability to drive herself away her chores, schoolwork and other responsibilities, they are there staring her in the face.

How could she move out, like she is threatening? Who is going to sign a lease for a 17.5 year old high school student?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:11pm
The car is in her name so I don't think we can take it away. Though, the last time she snuck out of the house and didn't come home all night my husband told her that as of 8/1 she is off our auto insurance. She was paying the premiums but it will be much more expensive for her to find her own. She pays for her gas and we were giving her a small amount but that has stopped now. We can't take away her cell phone because she just lost it and her older sister in Oregon got her another one. She does threaten to move out although she is still a minor. I think she has friends who would harbor her (she's runaway to their houses before). We've told her per state law, we are responsible for her until she graduates High School (California law). She's actually my step-daughter who's been living with us for 7 years now. My husband suggested she emancipate herself but I don't know if she's going to try. Unfortunately, she has an older sister who used to live with us but she became extremely abusive. Lots of cussing, violent behavior. She would run away, inflict marks on herself and tell the police that we were beating her. A social worker recommended she move back with her mom but that didn't last 6 months and she ended up living with her boyfriend and his family. She was only like 15! So I'm afraid the 2 sisters who still live with me have learned from her bad example. I could lock up the internet but I don't think she uses it much. what else is there?